Market Analysts

Joe: What is the role of Market Analysts?

Harry: They are professionals who will know tomorrow why the things they predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

Adult jokes-Medical condition

Bob, a young guy of 22, walks into a pharmacy run by two old spinsters. He is suffering from a medical condition in which his erection refuses to go back to its flaccid state.

One of the old spinsters who is at the counter, asks him what he wants. Bob describes his condition and asks her what she can give him for it. She says she has to consult her partner in the stockroom.

She disappears into the stock room and returns after a few minutes. She smiles and says, "Our offer is $5,000 and this store."

Inquisitive

Q. Why are mountain climbers inquisitive?

A. They always want to take another peak.

Really funny jokes-Two toddlers

Julian is carrying two toddlers, one in each arm, while waiting for a bus. An old woman who finds the babies very cute, asks him, "They are so adorable, what are their names?"

Julian replies dryly, "I don't know."

The old woman persists, "Are they boys or girls?"

Julian is now angry and replies, "No idea."

The old woman then starts to reprimand Julian, "You have no idea? What kind of a father are you?".

Julian replies, "Excuse me ma'am, I am not their father, I just happen to be a contraceptives salesman carrying these 2 complaints back to my company."

Hilarious nasties

Laurel to Hardy: Do you know your brain is a masterpiece.

Hardy: You really think so? Thanks.

Laurel: Yeah, in the left half, nothing is right, and in the right, nothing is left.

Economics exam

Sam, an American student, had not prepared for his Economics exam and was not expecting to do too well.

Sam read the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat does the United States export?

Regaining some of his confidence, Sam wrote, "In 1492, none."

Magic trick

PC Sorkar, the Indian magician can perform some amazing tricks. He once swallowed a white rabbit and pulled a brown hare out of his butt.

Pastor's blessings

Jack, a tourist from London goes to a Scottish horse race event and witnesses a pastor blessing one of the horses. To Jack’s astonishment, the horse wins. Not just that, the next 3 horses whom the pastor blesses also win. Then he finds the priest blessing a fifth horse and puts a good deal of money on it.

Unfortunately, the horse suffers from a stroke during the race and dies. Jack meets the pastor later and tells him what a disaster his bet had turned out to be. He also questions why the pastor's blessings had not worked on the fifth horse.

The pastor questions him, ‘Are you a Protestant?’.

‘Yes, I am,’ replies Jack.

‘Well then,’ says the pastor. ‘You’ll not be knowing the difference between a blessing and the last rites.’

What happens when Twitter is down?

What happens when Twitter is down?

Becky calls Kathy and speaks to answering machine:
Hey Kathy, Twitter is down this morning, when you get this message please call me, I can't wait to know what you had for breakfast! Thanks.

Office jokes-Bragging

Redmond moved to London from Ireland to pursue a career in logistics. He was always bragging to his English colleagues about how great Ireland was. One co-worker, annoyed by such boasting, finally said, "Well, if Ireland's so wonderful, how come you didn't stay there?"

"Well," explained Redmond, "they're all so brilliant out there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all."

Supermarket trolley

Tom: Do you know the difference between Britney Spears and a supermarket trolley?

Harry : What?

Tom: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Interview for a Zoo-keeper

A man applied for the job of a Zoo-keeper and was called for an interview.

An officer called the man into his office, asked him to take a seat to begin the interview.

"So, what experience do you have in this field?" the officer asked.

"Let me assure you I am more than qualified for this job", the man replied.

"Okay, I would like to know about your experience" the officer said.

"I was raised in the Himalayan Mountains in Nepal by monkeys." the man replied.

The officer was convinced he was dealing with a crack case here but was interested in hearing his story anyway. He asked, "Really? What did you say your name was again?"

"Tim...Tim Pan-Zee."

Lawyers have no heart

Then there was this medical convention where three surgeons met during a coffee break. They were chatting about different operations on different kind of people.

First surgeon: “I prefer Chinese. They have what it takes and their bodies are perfect.”

Second surgeon: “I like Vietnamese. They are so small and delicate that you have to have steady hands, else the incision is big. It’s a challenge to operate on them.”

Third surgeon: “You are both novices. You don’t know about lawyers. They are my favorite because when you open them, they have no heart and they don’t have a spine. Also their heads and butts can be swapped.”

Significant rule

Santa: What's the unsaid but most significant rule in chemistry?

Banta: Don't ever lick lick the spoon!