Good jokes-Crystal ball

A woman comes home from psychic fair with a crystal ball she’s just bought.

‘How much was that?’ asks her husband.

‘Thirty pounds,’ answers the woman.

‘Thirty!’ says the husband. ‘They must have seen you coming.’

Hilarious jokes-Achievement

Judge to the accused: “You have been accused of imprisoning, threatening, intimidating and treating your wife as your slave. Is it true?”

Accused: “Your honor......I,..I......”

Judge: “I don’t want any explanations. Just tell me how you achieved this feat.”

Short funny jokes-Batman under roller

Tommy: “What happens if Batman is rolled under a steam roller?”

Sunny: “You get a Flat man.”

Really good stuff-Make Life simpler

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

* Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

*Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

*No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Funny jokes-What's in a name

James was walking down the street when he met a small boy. James asked his name.

The lad replied, "Six and seven-eighths."

James looked puzzled and asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and the youngster replied, "Oh, they just picked it out of a hat."

Clean jokes-Healthy breakfast

Our young son made up his mind one day that he needed to eat healthier breakfasts, so he chose oatmeal as his cereal of choice.

But after eating his first bowl, he told his mother, "I hope I develop a taste for this stuff. It goes down real rough."

"Well," his mother asked, "Just how long did you cook it?"

"Are you supposed to cook it?" he asked.

Funny jokes-Airlines humor

From an Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft..."

From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Economy jokes-Pessimistic women

Q: Why are Women more pessimistic about the economy than Men?

A: Because men are in charge of the economy!

Hilarious jokes-Jammed window

George rushed to the hotel manager’s cabin and shouted, “Help me, my wife is trying to jump from the fifth floor.”

The Manager replies: “It is your personal problem, sir. What can I do in this matter?”

George bursts out, “Right, but the window is jammed!"

Good jokes-Apt reply

Serena and her friend Tina got on the bus. Both around seventeen, Tina was a little too plump for her age. Their journey was long and tedious. They saw a young, fat and dumb looking man sitting awkwardly a few seats ahead and decided to make fun of him. They went near his seat and stood there holding the bar for support. The man, out of sheer courtesy, tried to get up to offer his seat to Tina.

Tina says,“No, no sir, please be seated. Does not look nice when an old man stands up for a young girl to sit.”

The young man retorts, “True and well said, my child. But you see it is not proper for an old man to sit when a pregnant woman stands beside him.”

Funny jokes-Does love happen?

Q: Does love just happen or you have to make it happen?

A: If a girl is good looking and going on a bicycle, it just happens. If, on the other hand, she is not beautiful but is driving an expensive luxury car, you have to make it happen.

Clean jokes-Father's relief

While leaving her father’s house immediately after marriage, Tina was crying herself hoarse. Her father too could not control himself and was weeping loudly. Finally somebody separated them and led Tina to the groom’s car.

On an impulse Tina turned around, ran to her father and gave him something from her purse.

Immediately her father’s face brightened and there was a smile on his face.

Later Tina’s mother asked him: “What did she give you to make you so happy?”

Father: “My ATM card.”

Kids jokes-Nobody else

Jack:"There is something I can do that nobody else in my school can do. Not even teachers!"

Rob: "What's that?"

Jack: "Read my handwriting"

Really funny jokes-Lost in the Sahara

Niall and Ethan are two young lads from Shannon and they are lost in the Sahara desert. They're only desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die, they chance upon an oasis where market day appears to be in full swing.

They go to the first stall they see, and Niall asks if they can buy some water.

"No," replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit. Try the next stall."

So off they stagger to the next stall and this time Ethan asks for some water.

"Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard."

"Custard! Custard?" splutter the two.

Niall turns to Ethan and shouts angrily, "What kind of flippin' place is this?"

By now totally desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly."

Hearing this, Ethan says to Niall and speaks through clenched teeth, "Bejabbers, Niall - this is a trifle bazaar."

Animal jokes-Small mouse

A young elephant and young mouse came across each other for the first time:

Mouse: "What are you?"
Elephant: " I'm an elephant"

Mouse: "Aren't you big"
Elephant: " Yes. What are you?

Mouse: " I'm a mouse"
Elephant: " Aren't you small?"

Mouse: " I, I, I've not been well"

Really funny jokes-Book a judge

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, John, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," John replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded John.

"Well," mused Pat, "In this life there's always a lesson somewhere."

"That there is," replied John.

"It is wise never to book a judge by his cover."

Clean jokes-Potatoes

1) How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.

2) Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commontater.

3) Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.

4) What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.

5) What does an American potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?
It's mashing!

Short funny jokes-First people in North America

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?

They had reservations.

Really funny jokes-Savings

Mr. and Mrs. Val were visited by a door to door salesman. He tried hard to sell a deep freezer to them and they were reluctant and unconvinced. Finally the salesman said: “If you buy this freezer you will save on food bills enough to pay for the freezer.”

Exasperated, Mrs. Val replied: “It is like this. We are paying for the house on what we are saving on the rent. We are paying for cable TV on what we are saving on movie tickets. Not to mention the damn car for which we are paying on what we save on taxi fares. We cannot afford to save anymore now.”

Animal jokes-Elephant and parrot

What would you get if you crossed an elephant with a parrot?

Something that tells you everything it remembers.

Good jokes-Red and Blue cab

Two cabbies, Harry and Dave met after a long time.

"Hey," pointed out Harry, "why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," answered Dave, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

Funny picture - Watching TV

Clean jokes-White hair

Little Sonia was looking intently at her mother.

Mother: “What’s the matter? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Sonia: “Some of your hair are white mom.”

Mother: “That’s right. Whenever you make a mischief, one of my hairs turns white. That’s how some have become white.”

Sonia was thoughtful: “Are all of grandma’s hair white due to the same reason?”

Uncommon noun

The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

Animal jokes-Bunny

What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
Thistle have to do!

How do you post a bunny?
Hare mail.

What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
A hare-net.

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
It has 4 rabbits' feet.

Really funny jokes-Grades

The methods to Grade Final Exams:

1. Dept. of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

2. Dept. of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

3. Dept. of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.

4. Dept. of Religion: Grade is determined by God.

5. Dept. of Philosophy: What is a grade?

6. Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

7. Dept. of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

8. Dept. of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade.

9. Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

10. Dept. of Physical Education: Everybody gets an A.

Really good stuff - 7 facts in this world

Finance jokes-Penny stock

What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock?

In the first case, you help finance your local community swimming pool. In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters home pool.

One line jokes-Supermarkets

A question I want to asked based on my observation at the supermarket - Why do they make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Really funny jokes-American job

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 am ..

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking,
he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and
tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN )
to the radio (MADE IN INDIA )
he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY )
filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia )
and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (made in MALAYSIA ), John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE )
and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA

And now he is hoping he can get help from a President MADE IN KENYA

Finance jokes-Secret algorithm

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was skeptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.

"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"

"What is your secret?" the analyst asked.

"It is rather easy. I have two kids, four and six year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number eleven."

"But, four and six is ten," the analyst protested.

"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"

Kids jokes-Curtains

"Close the curtains," came the order from my two year old son who was sitting in a pool of bright light.  "The sun's looking at me too hard."

Clean jokes-Actual answers given on Family Feud

Actual answers given on Family Feud

Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon

Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell

Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar

Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde

Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse

A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish

Something you open other than a door - Your bowels

A food that can be brown or white - Potato

A jacket potato topping - Jam

A famous Scotsman - Jock

Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones

Something with a hole in it - Window

A non living object with legs - Plant

A domestic animal - Leopard

A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee

A way of cooking fish - Cod

Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings

Something you might be allergic to - Skiing

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet

Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog

Something associated with the police - Pigs

A sign of the zodiac - April

Something slippery - A conman

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair

Name something Red - My cardigan

Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal - Mail

A number you have to memorize - 7

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Something you put on walls - Roofs

Something in the garden that's green - Shed

Funny jokes-Glutton

Q. What is the difference between a hungry man and a glutton?

A: One longs to eat and the other eats too long.

Really good stuff-Silly warnings

Silly Warnings

1) 'Do not iron while wearing shirt'

2) Warning label on a letter opener that says: 'Caution: Safety goggles recommended.'

3) Fuel Tank Cap: 'Never use a lit match or open flame to check the fuel level'

4) A cartridge for a laser printer warns, 'Do not eat toner'

5) A label on a hair dryer reads: 'Never use hair dryer while sleeping'

6) A warning on an electric drill made for carpenters cautions: 'This product not intended for use as a dental drill.'

7) On a child's buggy: 'Remove Child Before Folding'

8) A label on a baby-stroller featuring a small storage pouch that warns: 'Do not put child in bag.'

Intelligent

What's blonde with big eyes and intelligent?

A golden retriever.

Office jokes-Things that sound dirty at Work but really aren't

It is best to watch what you say in the workplace. However, if you find yourself saying any of these phrases, not to worry. They may sound risque, but in fact they're only...

Things That Sound Dirty at Work But Really Aren't:

10. "I need to whip it out by 5."

9. "Mind if I use your laptop?"

8. "Put it in my box before I leave."

7. "If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!"

6. "I want it on my desk NOW!"

5. "HMMMM... I think it's out of fluid."

4. "My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish."

3. "It's an entry-level position."

2. "When do you think you'll be getting off today?"

1. "It's not fair! I do all the work while he just sits there!"

Really funny jokes-Parking Lot Rules

Parking lots have unsaid rules.

Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.

Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.

Rule #6 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

Rule #7 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend or relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.

Rule #8 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

Rule #9 - If you have Handicap license plates and there are empty spaces up front, use up a regular parking spot.

Rule #10 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like the good guy you are, and park somewhere else.

Rule #11 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.

Rule #12 - Always leave your shopping cart tightly between parked vehicles.

Rule #13 - Gather up all the coffee cups, fast food wrappers and other bits of trash from your car and leave them in the shopping center parking lot before you leave. Think of it as you helping out in these economic hard times by making sure the parking lot sweeper keeps his job.

Rule #14 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the wheel of the car next to you.

Rule #15 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, breathe in the air and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.

Rule #16 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

Rule #17 - When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.

Rule #18 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the life out of them.

Rule #19 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!

Rule #20 - If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name address, phone #, insurance information, etc., on this paper. But I'm not!"

Kids jokes-First hailstorm

A little boy aged 4, who had witnessed a hailstorm for the first time, exclaimed to his father,
"Daddy, it's raining dumplings!"

Die with boots on

Did you hear about Rex, the cowboy who died with his boots on?

He kept them on because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket.

Really funny jokes-Mix up

Sam was attending a conference in New York and staying at a very smart hotel. His wife, Sara, traveled down to New York to join Sam for the conference’s closing dinner/dance.

When she arrived, Sam was still in a meeting so she introduced herself to the receptionist and asked for the number of Mr Wilson’s room.

She was duly given the number and the key and she took the lift to the 3rd floor. Sara wanted to freshen up and be ready for Sam when he arrived back. She unpacked, popped her nightie under the bed covers, showered and got ready for the evening.

Time passed and Sara became concerned that he hadn’t arrived back and she was worried as to whether they would make the dinner on time. By 8 pm she rang reception to ask if Sam was in the bar; she was told that he had gone to his room some 2 hours earlier.

“What room?” spluttered Sara to the receptionist.

“Room 205, on the second floor”, answered the girl politely.

“But I’m in room 409,” exploded Sara in consternation.

“Oh dear,” said the receptionist,"That must be another Mr Wilson’s room!”

Sara grabbed her belonging and dashed down to room 205. She forgot, of course, to remove her nightie. What a surprise for Mr Wilson (and Mrs Wilson!) on returning to the room.

Short funny jokes-Punctuation marks

In a Veteran's Day speech, the American President vowed, 'We will finish the mission. Period.'

Afterwards, he was advised he doesn't have to read the punctuation marks.

Out of town

Two women met for tea at a restaurant. One had a swollen face. Her friend asked: “What happened?”

First one: “My hubby hit me.”

Second one: “But I thought your husband was out of town.”

First one: “Yeah, I thought so too.”

Clean jokes-Get better

Harry, after his retirement volunteered to entertain patients in hospitals. He would go from one hospital to another in the city and always carried his guitar with him. He would crack jokes and would sing some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished at one such hospital, he said to an old man, "I hope you get better."

The elderly gentleman quickly replied, "I hope you get better, too."

Really funny stuff-Mirror, mirror, on the wall

Do you have to tell it all?

Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look just too tight?

I think I'm fine but I can see
you wont cooperate with me;

The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray

Whats that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in;

If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,

And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight;

I'm really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;

I hate you being smug and wise -
O, look what's happened to my thighs!

I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,

If I look like this in my new jeans
You'll find yourself in smithereens!

Funny jokes-Obesity rate

A survey declares that USA's obesity rate is down. 

They did not complete the phrase - it was intended to be read as "down the toilet," -  giving it a whole new meaning.

Short Management jokes

* The first myth of management is that it exists.

* Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

* Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".

* We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.

* Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.

* "I've given you an unlimited budget, and you have already exceeded it!"

Good jokes-Growing up

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite 'fast food' when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously.. Where did you eat?'

'It was at a place called 'home,'' I explained. 'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining table and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it :-

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10.

It was, of course, black and white and the station went off the air at 10.00 pm, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air at about 6 am!

And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people ...

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line.

Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home ... But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers My brother delivered newspapers, seven days a week. He had to get up at 5 am every morning to do this.

Film stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the films.

There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing without profanity or lewd scenes or violence or almost anything offensive.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

Really funny jokes-Any fool

Kelly went to see Josie to seek advice in a complicated legal case. Josie listened to her patiently and said, “Look Kelly, you should have gone to an expert in this matter as some legal issues are involved.”

Kelly replied, “That is what I was going to do. But when I talked to my brother about this, he said that any fool can guide you in this. So I came straight to you.”

Really funny jokes-Expensive Greeting cards

Like everything else in life, the rates of various greeting cards are increasing leaps and bounds. The store owner of one such shop was often receiving complaints about increasing cost of the cards. But he never took these complaints seriously until one day he faced a situation he had not bargained for.

Customer: “Have you any card for someone who is about to turn a hundred?”

Owner: “Sure do.”

The owner led the customer to the related card stand and pointed at the cards: “They are for centurions.”

The customer selected one card, looked at the price printed on the reverse and asked: “If he doesn’t last for a week and make it, will you accept this back?”