Really funny jokes-Legible

My grandpa was an English professor, and he would often help students by writing little notes on their essays.

Grandpa used to work late, and his handwriting would deteriorate as the hours passed by.

One day, a student approached him after class with an essay that had been returned. "Mr. Asher," he said, "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper."

Grandpa took the paper and, after studying it, sheepishly replied, "It mentions that you should write more legibly."

Diary of a Cat

Jan 30 - Day 68 of my confinement

These humans enjoy irritating me with strange little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill the humans by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile tormentors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.

It's only a matter of time.

Finance jokes-Tax

Sarcastic Tax jokes

1. What is the difference between the short income tax forms and the long ones?

 Easy, if you use the short form, the government takes your money. If you use the long form, your accountant gets your money.

2. A penalty is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a penalty for doing something right.

3. The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.

Signs you Smoke too much

Top 10 Signs you Smoke too much

10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break."

9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.

8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bringdown."

7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.

6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap.

5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying. "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts...".

4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.

3. You smoke during making out.

2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys."

1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung.

Short funny jokes-Raw cookie dough

The USFDA (U.S. Food and Drug Administration warned people not to eat raw cookie dough last Christmas. Is that how fat we're getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now?

Funny jokes-Baby pigeon

Dovey, the baby pigeon was nervous about flying long distance with its mother and grumbled, 'I don't think I can make it, it will be too tiring for me.'

Mama pigeon tried to pacify Dovey and said, 'You have nothing to worry about. I'll tie a piece of thread to one of your legs and the other end to mine.'

On hearing this, Dovey began to cry.

'Why are you crying baby?' asked the worried mother.

Dovey replied, 'You don't want me to be pigeon towed, do you?'

Hilarious jokes-If there were Computers in 1776

If there were Computers in 1776

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential that we complete this declaration of independence.

Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.

Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?

Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication problems.

Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy.

Mr. Sherman: Thanks. Saaaaay, nice font.

Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week.

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out.

Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.stinks last night.

Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^$# General Protection Fault!

Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that problem for me.

Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text?

Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've spilled candle wax on my keyboard again.

Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd buy an active-matrix screen.

Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!

Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My spell checker recommends "unassailable".

Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?

Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't compatible.

Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the floppy drive buzzes? OK, I'll hold.....

Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in 72 point Helvetica?

Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can't save the file.

Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my quill pen....

Really funny jokes-After 15 years in Prison

Two women were sentenced to fifteen years in jail for their respective crimes. They shared the same cell. After completion of their sentence they were released on the same day.

After their exit, they bid good bye to each other and said: “OK, rest we will talk on phone.”

Funny jokes-Lazy manager

A lazy manager of a firm in his forties was advised by his doctor to play some sport, preferably tennis for some exercise. So he took up tennis. A month later his secretary asked: “Well sir, how is it going?”

Manager: "I am doing fine. On the court when I see a ball coming to me at speed, my brain instantly reacts and says: ‘To the net or smash or take the corner’ like that. I don’t believe it. "

Secretary: “Then what happens?”

Manager: “Then my body reacts and says ‘Who? Me? You must be joking.”

Really funny jokes-Welfare Applications

Welfare Applications

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.


* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

* I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

* Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

* I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

* I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

* This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

* Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

* I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

* In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

* My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

* Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

* You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

* I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

* I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

* In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Funny jokes-Official endorsement

On a pleasantly cold day a few friends gathered around a table to enjoy a few rounds of rum. After several pegs the discussion turned around to the existence of God. The group automatically parted in two - atheists and believers - and the arguments got fierce. Our friend William was a staunch atheist and insisted that God doesn’t exist. In a fit of drunken stupor, William wrote a letter to God, put it in an envelope and addressed it: “To, The God Almighty, Omnipresent.” and asked his opponent to post it. By next morning everything was forgotten.

Out of the blue, after a month the same letter was returned with remarks: “Address not found.”

He gathered the same group the same evening and proudly displayed the envelope: “Look, this is official now with government endorsement.”

Clean jokes-Toothache

Laura and Nancy were chatting at the coffee-shop.

Laura: "I had a toothache, so I went to the dentist this morning."

Nancy: "Does your tooth still hurt?"

Laura: "I have no idea - the dentist kept it."

Hilarious jokes-Submarine School

The new Ensign was trying to impress everybody with what he'd learned in Submarine School when the Master Chief cut him off.

"Listen, Sir, it's simple," he said. "Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Then divide by two. If it doesn't come out even, DON'T OPEN THE HATCH!"

Kids jokes-Candies for Valentine's Day

Four-year-old Joe loved candy almost as much as his mom Linda did. He, along with his Dad had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day.

A few days later Joe was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, his mom said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?"

"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."