Clean jokes-A dog's tale

Lawrence noticed this board on the gate of a house. “Talking dog for sale”

Intrigued, he knocked the door to inquire. The owner took Lawrence to the back of the house where a dog was casually sitting on the ground and left them alone.

Lawrence: “Is it true?”

Dog: “Sure.”

Lawrence: “So what’s behind all this? And why does he want to sell you?”

Dog: “I was born with this gift. My previous owner sold me to CBI and I helped them uncover biggest secrets because they let me loose on the job and nobody suspected that a dog could eves drop. But they made me travel a lot. So I left them and got myself employed with a minister who did not know my virtue. I discovered many scandals by this minister and informed the government. They gave me many awards for my services. I have aged now and finally I am leading a peaceful life with my family.”

Lawrence went back to the owner and asked the price. The owner said twelve dollars.

Lawrence paid the price without hesitation and asked: “This is a marvelous dog with amazing talent. Why do you want to get rid of him?”

Owner: “The SOB never speaks the truth, he always tells lies.”

Football jokes-Buffalo Bills

Q: What's the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?

A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

Really funny jokes-The obvious choice

A few people died on a certain day which God had decided to celebrate and to give the celebration some legitimacy, He decided to call it His birthday. Among the dead, were a husband and wife who were considered an ideal pair and ‘made-for-each–other’ on earth. God made this announcement: “All ye mortals of earth, all are sinners so there is no place for you in heaven. However, today being my birth day, I will give you a little choice. Either you go to hell or you go back to earth for five more years. Each individual will make his or her choice. Please stand in queue. My assistant will take down your choice and do the needful.”

There was big queue. The couple stood together and the wife said: “Wow Mike, like on earth we will stick together and make the same choice and be happy for five more years, what bliss.”

Mike: “Sure honey, you stand here and I am right behind you.”

The first person opted for five years on earth and woooooosh vanished immediately. The line progressed and everybody made the obvious choice. After awhile it was the wife’s turn.

The Assistant asked: “Your choice?” The wife turned, looked at her husband with a twinkle in her eyes and replied “Five years on earth.” She vanished. Now it was Mike’s turn.

Assistant: “Your choice?”

Mike: “Hell and pronto.”

Short funny jokes-Franglais Phrases

Franglais (French and English) Phrases

Coup de grace - A lawn mower.
La deviation pour chauffeur de camion - My driver likes camels.

Moi aussi - I am an Australian.
Pas de deux? - Father of twins?
Mange tout - You're pretty mangy yourself.

Pain prune - I cut myself with the secateurs.
Chaussee deformer? - Are you a contortionist?

Parke le char - My tea is cold.
Suivez la piste - Never mind, follow that drunk!

You might be a Schoolteacher if

You might be a Schoolteacher if...

you have no time for a life from August to June.

you want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"

when out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

you refer to adults as "boys and girls."

you encourage your spouse by telling them they are a "good helper."

you've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.

meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

you believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.

you know hundred good reasons for being late.

you don't want children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.

One line jokes-When things go wrong

The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.

Adult jokes-Impotency clinic

Q: Why does everyone want to work at the impotency clinic?

A: It's a soft job.

Funny jokes-Secret to good health

Brittany and Lisa were discussing their busy schedules.

Lisa said, "Brittany, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know what's your secret?"

"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."

"You wake up at six o'clock?"

"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."

Good jokes-Chemistry formula

Chemistry formula

Teacher : What happens when Carbon Monoxide reacts with 2 Molecules of Iron??

Student : COFFEE !!

Teacher : How ?

Student : CO + 2Fe = COFFEE !!

Clean jokes-Winning Knight Riders team

Q. What's the difference between a winning Kolkata Knight Riders team and a UFO?

A. Someone has seen a UFO.

Hilarious jokes-Two morons

Chris and Bob went fishing. The catch was impressive that day. Chris said: “Bob, mark X on the side of the boat so that we can spot the place tomorrow.”

Bob: “You crazy? Do you think you are going to get the same boat on hire tomorrow?”

Really funny jokes-Fighting fit

Two childhood friends were preparing themselves for physicals for induction in the US army. Both of them were unwilling to join the army but were helpless because of stringent US laws. Somebody suggested that if one didn’t have any teeth, they were rejected. They decided to give it a shot and got all their teeth removed.

There was a line of young aspirants when they arrived at the recruitment center. They both felt it would be unwise to stand in the queue next to each other. So one stood in the line and the other waited for the line to extend a bit when a bulky, young unwashed boy took the line. The other decided to stand next to the bulky boy.

When the first boy’s turn came, the doctor asked if he had anything to say regarding his health. The boy said he did not have any teeth. The doctor ordered the boy to open his mouth, ran his fingers around the kid’s gum and asked him to stand in the rejection queue.

The line progressed and ultimately it was the bulky boy’s turn. The doctor asked him: “Anything wrong with you?” The boy replied: “I have piles.”

The doctor asked the boy to undress. He then made the boy bend and spread. He inserted his finger inside, moved it around for a while as if to make sure, pulled back his finger and declared that the boy indeed had piles and announced him unfit.

The doctor declared "Next"

When the second toothless boy stepped up to the doctor, he was asked if he had anything to declare.

The boy shouted: “No sir, not a damn thing wrong with me. Give me that rifle and march me to the border.”

Short funny jokes-No evidence

Guess what the White House claims - that there is no evidence at all that earth has been visited by aliens.

Good lord, they can't even find aliens sneaking across the border.

Funny jokes-Superb answers to Why Aren't You Married Yet?

Superb answers to "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"

You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiance is awaiting his/her parole.

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren't you thin?

I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

(Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.