Really funny jokes-Close shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Hilarious jokes-Perfection

Joseph, the preacher had a question for the people in the church. "There's no such thing as a perfect woman. If anybody has ever known a perfect woman, Please raise your hand."

No one reacted.

He then asked, "Is there anybody who has known a perfect man?"

Albert, an elderly man raised his hand.

"Are you sure you have known an absolutely perfect man?" the preacher asked, somewhat surprised.

"Uh, I didn't know him personally," replied Albert, "but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first husband."

One line jokes-Age

Experience doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes experience comes alone.

Really funny jokes-No stock

There were two grocery stores in the same lane in Delhi-India. One was owned by Abdul and the other one belonged to Kumar.

Abdul had a sign outside his shop, "Peaches @ Rupees 150 a kilo". A lady, went in and asked for them.

"I am so sorry - they are out of stock right now, come back tomorrow and I'll have them ready for you", said Abdul.

So she ventured into Kumar's grocery store across the street. But his peaches were available for Rupees 200 a kilo! At least he has them in stock, she thought to herself.

"Your prices are very steep" she said. "Abdul sells them at Rupees 150 a kilo".

"You are right, says Kumar, "and when I run out of stock, mine will also be priced Rupees 150 a kilo!"

Clean jokes-Spell Mississippi

Teacher: How do you spell Mississippi?

Redneck boy: Which one? The river or the state?

Funny jokes-You might be a Musician if

You might be a Musician if...

your heroes are Palestrina and Mussorgsky.
you can sing all of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.
you begin conducting with a piece of uncooked spaghetti.
you can describe two differences between opera and oratorio.
you can play more instruments than the average person can name.
you try to figure out what song is printed on cute music mugs you see in stores.

Really funny jokes-Hospital Report

Mr. Wilkins, an elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where he was admitted.

When the doctor arrived for the routine check-up, Mr Wilkins seemed to be quite concerned at one notation.

"I know I was in a bit of a mess, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to the doctor apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."

He was immensely comforted when the doctor explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought (S.O.B.).

Good jokes-Long sunny day

You're roaming around the Big Ben in London at the end of a long sunny day. You run across into the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Charles Chaplin, and Ian Fleming, who all give you directions to the nearest restaurant. Whom don't you believe?

Your story teller, for there is no such thing as a completely sunny day in England.

Really funny jokes-TV quiz show

Three guys - one from Indiana, one from from Kentucky and one from West Virginia were on a Hollywood TV quiz show.

The host asked them to complete the sentence: "Old MacDonald had a ..."

The Indianan said, "Old MacDonald had a carburetor."

"Sorry," said the MC. "That's incorrect."

"Old MacDonald had a flat tire," said the Kentuckian.

"Wrong," said the host.

"Old MacDonald had a farm," said the West Virginian.

"That's correct!" shouted the MC.

"Now for $200,000, spell farm." The West Virginian thought hard and then spelled carefully: "E-I-E-I-O."

Hilarious jokes-Unpaid bills

Rick, a retail merchant sent an order to a manufacturer for 10,000 t-shirts amounting to $ 70000.

The manufacturer, noting that the previous bill hadn't been paid, told the accounts manager to check it. The accounts manager sent an e-mail to Rick saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the previous one."

The next day the accounts manager received a reply from Rick. It said, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

Really funny jokes-Pilots and engineers

Almost all airline pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what they're for.

Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilots: Target radar hums
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

And perhaps, the best one for last...

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget.

Good jokes-Ethical dilemma

Salim, the sly merchant was teaching his son Suleiman the secrets of his business.

He said, "When you charge a customer $ 50 for a commodity, and he pays you $100 erroneously, you have an ethical dilemma - should you tell your partner?"

Animal jokes-Blouse making business

Tom: What name did the lady dinosaur give to her company that made ladies t-shirts?

Jerry: Try Sara's Tops.

Really funny jokes-Buying Turkey

Alice entered a butcher shop just when it was about to close.

She said to the butcher, "Thank God I made it in time! Do you have any chicken?"

The butcher opened his refrigerator and took out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs three and a half pounds.

"Don't you have anything bigger?" Alice asks.

The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken. The scale shows four and a half pounds.

"Great!" says Alice. "I'll have both of them please."