Short funny jokes-Australian zoo

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and a English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe.."

Blonde jokes-Green golf balls

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

Funny jokes-Wolf Man

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

Really funny jokes-Retired judge

A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at his local library branch.
A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office.
She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers. And you carry that with you to your new job, which is very commendable. But when someone owes an overdue fine, you can't just - "
"I had to throw the book at him," said the judge.
"I know," said the librarian, "but the Entire Encyclopedia Britannica?"

Clean jokes funny-Playing Golf

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money"
The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls"
The Aussie mused, "Why can't they play at night?"

Really funny jokes-Top ten things you don't want to hear in a Departmental store

10. "You want to use the fitting room or try this on at my place?"

9. "Check it out -- this one's good for hiding body parts"

8. "You know how we can offer such low prices? We're connected to the mafia"

7. "Try our new scent -- it makes you smell just like Regis"

6. "Last night after work I got lucky on this couch"

5. "Can I take a picture of your feet for my web site?"

4. "I live in a dark, greasy space under the escalator"

3. "For today only, you can pay for your purchases with hugs"

2. "Have you seen a chimp in boys' overalls?"

1. "If you're interested, I sell the same junk out of my van, half-price"

Doctor jokes-Knock

The doctor knocked at the hospital door before entering ManMohan's room.
ManMohan called out to come in.
The doctor then proceeded to tell ManMohan to remove all of his clothing after which he gave him a thorough, from top to bottom, front to back, leaving no part of his body untouched.
When he had finished, ManMohan looked the doctor straight in the eye and asked, "Doctor, can I ask you a question?"
"Of course," he replied.
ManMohan asks, "Why did you even bother to knock?"

Really funny jokes-Dent

I was getting into my car when I noticed a dent.
On the windshield was a note and a phone number from the driver.
"I feel terrible," the woman apologized when I called. "I hit your car as I was pulling into the next parking spot."
"Please, don't worry," I said to her. "I'm sure our insurance companies will take care of everything."
"Thank you for your understanding, " she said. "You're so much nicer than the man I hit on the way out."

Kids jokes-Election

The kids in the neighborhood held an election.
The grownups were astonished that a four-year-old had been elected president.
"That boy must be a born leader," one Dad observed. "How does it happen that all you bigger boys voted for him?"
"Well, you see Dad," one lad replied. "He cannot very well be secretary because he doesn't know how to write. He would not do for treasurer because he is not able to count. He would never do for sergeant- at-arms because he is too little to throw anybody out. If we did not choose him for anything, he would feel bad. So we made him president."

Short funny jokes-New husband

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Blonde jokes-Infection

A blonde was being admonished by the doctor: Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you are to have no relations whatsoever!
Pausing for a moment, the blonde replied: Ok, but what about friends & neighbors?

Really funny jokes-On a Tuesday evening

At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."
"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman.
"But think of how surprised I am! I'm her mother!"

Funny jokes-Group of misguided hikers

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.
”We’re lost!” One of the hikers complained.
”And you said you were the best guide in the United States.”
”I am,” the guide answered, ”but I think we may have wandered into Canada.”

Clean jokes-Fishing

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish.
They ask him, "Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty."
30 minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty."
One hour later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty."
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty."