Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Humor jokes-Whipping

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an Indian, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your Amazonian whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the Indian.
He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Funny jokes-Burglary

Returning home from work, Jessica was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Jessica ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

Monday, November 17, 2008

Doctor jokes-Walking

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Really funny jokes-Prayers

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!"

Clean jokes-Funeral

It was a solemn occasion, planning Mom's funeral, and us kids were gathered around the kitchen table deciding who would preside, who would give the Eulogy and especially what music would be played.
"Mom loved the Bee Gees", said John the eldest, and the rest of us nodded our heads in agreement. Looking around at the consensus he went on "Are we all agreed then, that we'll play Bee Gees music at the funeral?"
Again, we all silently nodded our heads, except for Sis, who suddenly burst into gales of laughter. We all looked at her
in disbelief, as she'd taken Mom's death the hardest ...
"I guess we won't be playing 'Staying Alive', though, will we?" she asked ...

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Humor jokes-Drunk

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to piss, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance, and falls in.
There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"
At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to piss, and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you stupid, son-of-a-gun, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Animal jokes - Kids jokes-Cats

A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them.
His mother turned around to do some work. A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door. She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens. She opened the window and said, "Stop that! You'll drown those kittens."
Johnny looked at her and said with much conviction in his voice:
"They should have thought of that before they joined my church."

Humor jokes-Empty handed

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning the woman got up early to take a long walk.
After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store.
Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes.
The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely.
"Pull yourself together!", she chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children. You're forty-five-years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then when she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change - but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store?
Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. But no ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.
His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Really funny jokes-Walking Across Water

A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all sitting in a boat relaxing one lazy sunny afternoon.
The pastor said to the others, "I'm going over to the shore to sit down."
So he got out of the boat, walked across the water and sat down on the shore.
The priest then said to the rabbi, "I'm going to go over there and join him." So he too walked across the water and sat next to the pastor on the shore.
The rabbi thought to himself, "If they can do it, so can I!" So he climbed out of the boat and fell in the water with a splash.
The pastor said to the priest, "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?"

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Teen Humor jokes-Weight lifting

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.
"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."
"I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out.
"Please, Dad?"
"They're not cheap either."
"I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see."
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.
From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"

Monday, November 10, 2008

Really funny jokes-Toothache

Paddy, suffering from a severe toothache, finally got up enough nerve to visit his dentist, but lost it again when he was about to get into the chair. The dentist told his assistant to give Paddy a shot of whiskey kept on hand for just such circumstances as this.
"Ye got your courage back now?" the dentist asked.
"No!" replied Paddy.
So a second shot was brought, then a third.
"Now have ye got your courage?" asked the dentist.
"You're damn right!" Paddy said, squaring his shoulders. "I'd like to see the SOB who'd dare to touch me teeth now!"

Short Doctor jokes-No change

A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam, but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Really funny short jokes-In the bar

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst, " the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bar-tender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week."
He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.
"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

Short Kids jokes-Beauty treatment

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"