Old Uncle Alec

Uncle Alec was taking his evening walk when he chanced upon a lady of the night, who was leaning against a lamp post.

The lady called out to Uncle Alec, "Hey old man, why don't you give it a try?"

Uncle Alec replied, "No, young lady, I don't think I can."

The woman persisted, "Oh come on, let's give it a try!"

Uncle Alec agreed and went with her into a seedy hotel room. He surprised her with the rigour with which he performed.

The woman said, "I can't believe you said you don't think you can! You performed like a young boy!"

Uncle Alec replied, "Oh that!! That's not a problem at all, what I can't do is pay!"

Same colour

When Nancy bought half a dozen underwear for her husband Ned, Ned commented, "What made you buy the same colour honey? People may think I never change my undies."

Nancy asked, "which people?"

The silence was deafening!

Deeper meaning

Having just completed my Part Time MBA course of 3 years at NMIMS, Mumbai, I was going through my mails regarding the final exams, and found the following note shared by a frustrated fellow student.

Deeper meaning to Education.

Education takes away 25% of your life to teach you how to throw away the other 75% of your life.

Whatsapp blunder

George received a msg on Whatsapp from his neighbour Toby.

The msg read as follows: "Need to make a confession to you, George. I cannot carry the burden of this guilt anymore. I have been using your wife, day and night,  when you are away. In fact, I have been using more than you. It might sound as a lame excuse but I have not been getting it at home. The guilt is killing me and I seek your forgiveness. I am really sorry and promise you I will never do it again. "


George, with mad anger and tears running down his eyes grabbed his gun, found his wife in the kitchen, and shot her in the head.

A second Whatsapp msg followed from Toby.

"This autocorrect will be the end of me someday. I meant 'wifi' and not 'wife'."

Language twist

How we twist the English language.

We in India, are capable of tearing apart the English language because we try a bit too hard.

A few gems are listed below -  I am sure you will enjoy reading them.

Sports teacher to Std V students - "hey you four, stand together separately."

Geography teacher to Std III students - "If you can't hang that world map, I will hang myself."

English teacher to Std IV students - "When I am in the class, how can you look at the monkeys outside the window?"

Priest Donald

Priest Donald was feeling upbeat after conducting a charged up revival meeting, and decided to take a walk.

He saw a woman of the night leaning against the lamp-post. Priest Donald said in a powerful voice, "Woman, I prayed for you last night."

"Well, you could have had me if you had come here," she said seductively. "I was standing right here all night long."

Broke bicycle

Little Pamela watched as her mother welcomed Aunt Dorris into the living room. Little Pamela asked her aunt if she would like to go to the backyard to see her bicycle.

Aunt Dorris agreed and they went to the backyard where a brand new bicycle was parked.

Aunt Dorris, "Wow, that's a beautiful bicycle! Can you ride it?"

"Of course I can ride it!" said Little Pamela, and then added sadly, "but it's broke."

Aunt Dorris looked again at the bicycle and it seemed absolutely ok to her.

So she asked her, "It looks fine to me. What's wrong with it?"

Little Pamela said, "Its strange. Whenever I ride it, it falls down!"

Comedy of errors

Bob was sharing an interesting story with his friends over drinks. "This is what I call a comedy of errors. Last night while I was partying with you guys at the pub,  a burglar broke into my house."

 

One of the friends asked, "So did he take anything?"

 

Bob said, "He got more than he asked for. He got broken ribs and couple of teeth knocked out! My wife thought that was me coming home drunk.”

In retrospect

On a Saturday evening, I was watching a film with harsh organ music on the TV when I screamed, "Nooo! Do not enter that church, you stupid man!"

My wife came running from the kitchen and asked, "What are you watching?"

I replied, "Video of our marriage!"