Funny jokes-Official endorsement

On a pleasantly cold day a few friends gathered around a table to enjoy a few rounds of rum. After several pegs the discussion turned around to the existence of God. The group automatically parted in two - atheists and believers - and the arguments got fierce. Our friend William was a staunch atheist and insisted that God doesn’t exist. In a fit of drunken stupor, William wrote a letter to God, put it in an envelope and addressed it: “To, The God Almighty, Omnipresent.” and asked his opponent to post it. By next morning everything was forgotten.

Out of the blue, after a month the same letter was returned with remarks: “Address not found.”

He gathered the same group the same evening and proudly displayed the envelope: “Look, this is official now with government endorsement.”

Clean jokes-Toothache

Laura and Nancy were chatting at the coffee-shop.

Laura: "I had a toothache, so I went to the dentist this morning."

Nancy: "Does your tooth still hurt?"

Laura: "I have no idea - the dentist kept it."

Hilarious jokes-Submarine School

The new Ensign was trying to impress everybody with what he'd learned in Submarine School when the Master Chief cut him off.

"Listen, Sir, it's simple," he said. "Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Then divide by two. If it doesn't come out even, DON'T OPEN THE HATCH!"

Kids jokes-Candies for Valentine's Day

Four-year-old Joe loved candy almost as much as his mom Linda did. He, along with his Dad had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day.

A few days later Joe was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, his mom said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?"

"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."

Clean jokes-A dog's tale

Lawrence noticed this board on the gate of a house. “Talking dog for sale”

Intrigued, he knocked the door to inquire. The owner took Lawrence to the back of the house where a dog was casually sitting on the ground and left them alone.

Lawrence: “Is it true?”

Dog: “Sure.”

Lawrence: “So what’s behind all this? And why does he want to sell you?”

Dog: “I was born with this gift. My previous owner sold me to CBI and I helped them uncover biggest secrets because they let me loose on the job and nobody suspected that a dog could eves drop. But they made me travel a lot. So I left them and got myself employed with a minister who did not know my virtue. I discovered many scandals by this minister and informed the government. They gave me many awards for my services. I have aged now and finally I am leading a peaceful life with my family.”

Lawrence went back to the owner and asked the price. The owner said twelve dollars.

Lawrence paid the price without hesitation and asked: “This is a marvelous dog with amazing talent. Why do you want to get rid of him?”

Owner: “The SOB never speaks the truth, he always tells lies.”

Football jokes-Buffalo Bills

Q: What's the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?

A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

Really funny jokes-The obvious choice

A few people died on a certain day which God had decided to celebrate and to give the celebration some legitimacy, He decided to call it His birthday. Among the dead, were a husband and wife who were considered an ideal pair and ‘made-for-each–other’ on earth. God made this announcement: “All ye mortals of earth, all are sinners so there is no place for you in heaven. However, today being my birth day, I will give you a little choice. Either you go to hell or you go back to earth for five more years. Each individual will make his or her choice. Please stand in queue. My assistant will take down your choice and do the needful.”

There was big queue. The couple stood together and the wife said: “Wow Mike, like on earth we will stick together and make the same choice and be happy for five more years, what bliss.”

Mike: “Sure honey, you stand here and I am right behind you.”

The first person opted for five years on earth and woooooosh vanished immediately. The line progressed and everybody made the obvious choice. After awhile it was the wife’s turn.

The Assistant asked: “Your choice?” The wife turned, looked at her husband with a twinkle in her eyes and replied “Five years on earth.” She vanished. Now it was Mike’s turn.

Assistant: “Your choice?”

Mike: “Hell and pronto.”