Short funny jokes-Half drunk

Wife: What is the meaning of coming home half drunk at this time of night?
Husband: It's not my fault - I ran out of money.

Funny farm jokes-I flattened your cat

Seems a guy was driving for hours through desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon me madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."
"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?"
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like thIs" as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you horrible man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?"
At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"

Really funny jokes-Who's a nut

It was open weekend in the local 'loony bin' and one curious man was wandering around watching the inmates 'in action'. When he sees this chap painting a wall, but when he looks closer, he notices that the brush is dry. So he sidles over, looks into the tin and sees more brushes but no paint.
He said to the inmate, "When do you intend to finish"?
The inmate said, "I probably never will. The idea to brighten this place up was my own, so they wont give me money for paint. So unless I can get some from my secret hoard, I'm sunk.
"How would you have a secret hoard of cash"? Said the man.
The inmate said. "Well I lived in the local village for years and years and everyone kept telling me I was nuts, and that one day they would take me away and lock me up. Well, they wasn't going to get my money, so I regularly sneaked onto the village green in the middle of the night, stood underneath the rope swing on the big oak tree, walked 100 paces north, turned, walked 50 paces west then dug down 6 feet and stashed all my cash.
The man rushed home, got a shovel, went back to the village, paced out the instructions and started digging. After 4 hours he had nothing and was feeling knackered and wondered if he had heard the instructions right. He even dug wider on all sides of the hole. But zilch!!
The next day, hands covered in blisters he went back to see the inmate, who was still standing at the wall painting away.
The man said to the inmate, "Are you sure the cash is 100 meters north and fifty paces west?
The inmate said "Did you go looking for it?
The man looking embarrassed said, "Well yes!
The inmate said... Grab a brush!!!

Clean jokes-Dog haircut

A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost.
Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged.
"I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!"
The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite. do you?!"

Really funny jokes-Sister Mary Ann's Gasoline

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, an Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

Short funny jokes-Mongoose

It's like the man who wanted to buy two mongoose.
Or is it mongeese? Or mongooses?
He finally said, "Send me a mongoose today, and tomorrow send me another one."

Jokes funny-Free To Leave

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike.
They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.
When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution, so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.
The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?"
"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.
"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"
"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom.
The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.
When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty.
"Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"
"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"
"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."