Short funny jokes-Wet weather

If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet weather?

An umbrella.

Kids jokes-Spelling of icholas

A little kid raised his hand in class and asked the teacher, "Can you please tell me , ma'am how do you spell icholas?"

Miss Mary, the teacher was rather dazed. "Don't you mean Nicholas?" she asked.

"No, ma'am. I've written the 'N' already."

Really funny jokes-Close shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Hilarious jokes-Perfection

Joseph, the preacher had a question for the people in the church. "There's no such thing as a perfect woman. If anybody has ever known a perfect woman, Please raise your hand."

No one reacted.

He then asked, "Is there anybody who has known a perfect man?"

Albert, an elderly man raised his hand.

"Are you sure you have known an absolutely perfect man?" the preacher asked, somewhat surprised.

"Uh, I didn't know him personally," replied Albert, "but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first husband."

One line jokes-Age

Experience doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes experience comes alone.

Really funny jokes-No stock

There were two grocery stores in the same lane in Delhi-India. One was owned by Abdul and the other one belonged to Kumar.

Abdul had a sign outside his shop, "Peaches @ Rupees 150 a kilo". A lady, went in and asked for them.

"I am so sorry - they are out of stock right now, come back tomorrow and I'll have them ready for you", said Abdul.

So she ventured into Kumar's grocery store across the street. But his peaches were available for Rupees 200 a kilo! At least he has them in stock, she thought to herself.

"Your prices are very steep" she said. "Abdul sells them at Rupees 150 a kilo".

"You are right, says Kumar, "and when I run out of stock, mine will also be priced Rupees 150 a kilo!"

Clean jokes-Spell Mississippi

Teacher: How do you spell Mississippi?

Redneck boy: Which one? The river or the state?

Funny jokes-You might be a Musician if

You might be a Musician if...

your heroes are Palestrina and Mussorgsky.
you can sing all of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.
you begin conducting with a piece of uncooked spaghetti.
you can describe two differences between opera and oratorio.
you can play more instruments than the average person can name.
you try to figure out what song is printed on cute music mugs you see in stores.

Really funny jokes-Hospital Report

Mr. Wilkins, an elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where he was admitted.

When the doctor arrived for the routine check-up, Mr Wilkins seemed to be quite concerned at one notation.

"I know I was in a bit of a mess, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to the doctor apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."

He was immensely comforted when the doctor explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought (S.O.B.).

Good jokes-Long sunny day

You're roaming around the Big Ben in London at the end of a long sunny day. You run across into the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Charles Chaplin, and Ian Fleming, who all give you directions to the nearest restaurant. Whom don't you believe?

Your story teller, for there is no such thing as a completely sunny day in England.

Really funny jokes-TV quiz show

Three guys - one from Indiana, one from from Kentucky and one from West Virginia were on a Hollywood TV quiz show.

The host asked them to complete the sentence: "Old MacDonald had a ..."

The Indianan said, "Old MacDonald had a carburetor."

"Sorry," said the MC. "That's incorrect."

"Old MacDonald had a flat tire," said the Kentuckian.

"Wrong," said the host.

"Old MacDonald had a farm," said the West Virginian.

"That's correct!" shouted the MC.

"Now for $200,000, spell farm." The West Virginian thought hard and then spelled carefully: "E-I-E-I-O."

Hilarious jokes-Unpaid bills

Rick, a retail merchant sent an order to a manufacturer for 10,000 t-shirts amounting to $ 70000.

The manufacturer, noting that the previous bill hadn't been paid, told the accounts manager to check it. The accounts manager sent an e-mail to Rick saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the previous one."

The next day the accounts manager received a reply from Rick. It said, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

Really funny jokes-Pilots and engineers

Almost all airline pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what they're for.

Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilots: Target radar hums
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

And perhaps, the best one for last...

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget.

Good jokes-Ethical dilemma

Salim, the sly merchant was teaching his son Suleiman the secrets of his business.

He said, "When you charge a customer $ 50 for a commodity, and he pays you $100 erroneously, you have an ethical dilemma - should you tell your partner?"

Animal jokes-Blouse making business

Tom: What name did the lady dinosaur give to her company that made ladies t-shirts?

Jerry: Try Sara's Tops.

Really funny jokes-Buying Turkey

Alice entered a butcher shop just when it was about to close.

She said to the butcher, "Thank God I made it in time! Do you have any chicken?"

The butcher opened his refrigerator and took out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs three and a half pounds.

"Don't you have anything bigger?" Alice asks.

The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken. The scale shows four and a half pounds.

"Great!" says Alice. "I'll have both of them please."

Lawyer jokes-Hilarious answer

Lawyer Kurt: Did the woman standing in the passage subsequently reveal her identity?
Witness: Yes, that's right.

Lawyer Kurt: Who did she say she was?
Witness (seemingly inebriated) : She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

Really funny jokes-Unmistakable signs you are a drunk

Unmistakable Signs you are a Drunk

# You spent Saturday night in jail for cow-pushing — with your Ford V-8

# Although armed with fire extinguishers, your family stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

# Thanks to you, Bourbon Deluxe Bourbon stock is up 15 1/4 since Thursday.

# Vladimir Putin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.

# For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.

# For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.

# You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

# Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.

# Smirnoff wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

# Dry cleaners and hotel employees greet you with, "Look, it's the Vomit guy!"

# The doorman asks for your identification just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.

# Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

# Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.

# You have to be told "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

Hilarious jokes-Firing squad

Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney were set to face a firing squad in Mexico. Sarah Palin was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given, she yelled out, "Cyclone!"

The firing squad panicked and Sarah, taking the opportunity, managed to escape.

Newt Gingrich was next to be placed against the wall. The squad collected again and Newt wondered if he could try his luck. So, just before the firing order was given, he shouted, "Twister!"

Again the squad ran helter skelter and Newt, taking advantage of the situation, gave them the slip.

Now, it was Mitt Romney's turn and he was placed against the wall. He thought to himself, "I can play the same game - I just have to scream out something about a disaster and escape."

As the guns were raised in his direction, he confidently screamed, "Fire!"

Really funny jokes-Governor's grammar

Texas governors in the early 1900s were not known to be very educated. One such character called Ferguson thought "grammar" was his father's mother.

On a sunny day, Ferguson decided to go hunting but he forgot his gun. He called his secretary and asked him to send the gun.

"I cannot hear you properly," shouted the secretary into the phone. "Can you please spell the last word."

Ferguson yelled, "It's 'G' as in Jesus; 'U' as in onion; 'N' like in pneuma G-U-N, you idiot!"

Animal jokes-Floor material

Tom: Do you know what is the floor of a dinosaur's home made of?

Jerry: Let me guess...Rep-Tiles

Hillbilly jokes-Smart son

Audrey-Anne, the hillbilly said to her friend, "You know, my boy's real smart!" He's only five but already spell his name backwards and forwards!"

"What's his name?" asked the friend.

Audrey-Anne replied ,"Bob."

Short funny jokes-Horrible witch

Bobby to Johnny: My dad saw a scary ghost and didn't turn a hair!

Johnny: Doesn't surprise me - your dad's bald!

Funny jokes-That's not it

A sergeant noticed that one of the privates was behaving oddly. The private would pick up any piece of paper he found, sulk and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the sergeant arranged to have the private psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the private was mentally ill, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The private picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

Office jokes-Get back on your feet

I went to a car dealership in my locality, and noticed they had found a creative way to warn customers who defaulted payments. Their sign said:

"The greatest way to get back on your feet - miss an installment payment."

Really funny jokes-Signs

Signs that indicate you should start looking for a new lawyer:

# He tells you that his last good case was a Stroh's beer.
# When the prosecutors notice who your lawyer is, they hug each other.
# He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
# He claims that he has never told a lie.
# A workplace has a sign saying "Don't ask me."
# You find a prison guard shaving your head.

Teacher jokes-Statue of Venus

Mrs. Katrina, the Arts teacher, addressed the class with a statue of Venus in her hands.
"What do you like best about this piece of art? Raise your hands."

Steven raised his hand and said, "The symmetry."

"Very good. And you, Justin?"

"Her assets!" says Justin

"Get out of the class, Justin and stand in the hall," responds Mrs. Katrina with loathing. "And you, Bubba?"

"I'm leaving, ma'am, I'm leaving..."

One line jokes-Opinion

When I want your suggestion, I will hammer it out of you.

Really funny jokes-A few wrinkles

Dara, now in her middle ages, had been considering coloring her hair. One day, while flipping through a fashion magazine, she saw an ad for a hair-coloring die featuring a pretty young model who was sporting a great hairstyle with a shade that Dara liked.

To get a second opinion, she asked her husband Jack, "How do you think this shade would look on a face with a few wrinkles?"

Jack took the magazine from her, crumpled the page with the ad, straightened it out and observed it again.

"Just great, darling."

Animal jokes-Penguin in Bar

A Galapagos penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the barkeep, "Have you seen my brother?"

The barkeep asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

Clean jokes-Broom

Tom: What did Papa broom say to the kid broom?

Jerry: It's time to go to sweep.

Really funny jokes-Fishing secret

Samuel Jones was a game warden who always had a watchful eye on all those who came to fish. He had noticed on quite a few occasions, that a redhead named Billy caught more fish than the others. While the others managed to catch three or four fish, Billy's boat was always full with a variety of fish. So one day, Samuel Jones asked Billy the secret of his success.

The redhead invited the game warden on his boat and asked him to observe for himself. Samuel Jones agreed and the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Billy's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Billy took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and flung it in the air. The explosion shook the lake with such power that several fish died and began to surface.

Billy threw a net into the water and began to scoop them up. Samuel Jones, open-mouthed, was too shocked to react. When he regained his composure, he began shouting at Billy, "Do you realize what you are doing?? You are so dead. You are going straight to jail and will rot there for the rest of your life!"

Billy, meanwhile, lit another stick of dynamite and tossed it in the lap of Samuel Jones and said coolly, "Are you going to sit there all day cribbing, or are you going to fish?"

Funny jokes-Cruise control

My brother and I own a car dealership in the north end of town. It was a busy Tuesday morning, when a large motor coach was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle badly needed repair and the whole thing looked like it was caught up in a hurricane. My brother asked the driver what had happened. The driver replied that he had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a cup of coffee!

We had to educate him about the difference between cruise control and auto-pilot!

Good jokes-Aftershave

Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?

No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.

Really funny jokes-Stuck under the bridge

Brian Moore was driving his truck when he approached a bridge with a sign saying 12 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not.

"I'll sure give it a try," he thought only to discover that his truck got stuck underneath it.

Brian got back in his seat, poured out a cup of coffee and lit a cigarette. A cop arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Brian immediately opened.

"What do you think you are doing?" demanded the cop in a sharp tone.

"Sure I'm having a tea break," replied Brian

"And what work do you do?" inquired the cop.

"I deliver bridges," replied Brian.

Short funny jokes-Dough

Laurel : Why are dollars called dough?

Hardy : Because we all knead it.

Hilarious jokes-Things to do in the toilet stall

There are quite a few pranks that my friends at the gym would play while sitting in a toilet stall.

1. Gina once stuck her palm open under the stall wall and asked her neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Jack said to nobody in particular "OMG, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Bobby would cheer and clap loudly every time somebody broke the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Patrick once said, "Well, I've never seen that color before."

5. Pablo, the practical joker, once dropped a marble and said, "Heavens!! My glass eye!!"

6. Tom said, "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Ryder grunted and strained real loud for 30 seconds and then dropped something into the toilet bowl from eight feet high..then sighed relaxingly.

8. Ryan said, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Bobby said, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Pablo once filled up a container with Mountain Dew, squirted it erratically under the stall walls of his neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Tom said, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters."

12. Jack, using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and dropped it under the stall wall of his neighbor. Then said, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Bobby said "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Patrick said, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot!!"

15. Ryan said, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Ryder played a well known drum cadence over and over again on his butt cheeks.

17. Before he unrolled toilet paper, Pablo conspicuously laid down his "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Patrick once lowered a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so he could see his neighbor and said, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Gina once dropped a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sang "Born Free"

20. Jack took a Snickers candy bar with him, squished it in his hand, reached under the stall wall and said "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

Really funny jokes-Debbie had a gun

Debbie was cleaning her attic one day, when she discovered an old shotgun lying in a corner. Not sure what to do with it or how to get rid of it, she called her mother in Michigan to ask what to do.

Her mother had a suggestion. "Take it to the police station," she said and put the phone down.

Within seconds, her mother called back and said to Debbie, "Don't forget to call them first and inform them you're coming."

Good jokes-Borrow the book

Bennett asks his friend Ernest, "Hey, can you lend me your book titled 'How To Become A Billionaire'?"

Ernest says, "Wait a minute, I'll get it for you".

When Ernest gives him the book, Bennett comments, "Thank you, buddy, but half the pages are missing!!"

Ernest replies, "So what? Isn't half a billion enough for you?"

Short funny jokes-Cross stream and brook

Tom: What do you get if you decide to cross a stream and a brook?

Jerry: Wet feet.

Really funny jokes-My money

Bob and Betty are just married and choose Hawaii for their honeymoon. They were in their hotel room discussing which tourist spots to visit, when Bob tried to assert himself by commenting, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"

Betty replied, "Darling, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Hawaii, we wouldn't be on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."

One line jokes-Lost voice

The below questions has always haunted me.....

If a swine loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Really funny jokes-Jordan Hale's Used Cars

Stella, an elderly lady, had finished shopping at Kmart and was walking back home when she passed the shop of a used car dealer with the sign "Jordan Hale's Used cars".

Stella's bag of groceries was particularly heavy that day and she felt she could do with a used car when she went shopping and save herself a lot time and body pain. So she walked into the office of the owner and told him she needed a car. Jordan, the owner asked her what kind of car she wanted and she replied, "Well, son, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hatred or rage."

Jordan replied, "Hmmm.....I guess you are talking about a Plymouth Fury! We have a few in our collection. What color would you like?"

Stella had some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reached into her shopping bag, took out an ear of corn, stripped down the shucks and said, "I want this color."

Jordan replied, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice green one?"

Stella, a little irritated, insisted "No, I want this color."

Jordan tried to reason, "But ma'am, the company didn't make that color! Maybe a violet one would suit you?" said Jordan, obviously worried about losing a prospective customer. By this time, Stella was really mad and started throwing things at Jordan, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the parking lot. One of the salesmen, who came into the office from the back door, noticed the commotion and asked the receptionist what the old woman was so upset about.

The receptionist replied, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

Good jokes-Keep on fighting!

The following conversation took place in the morning drill of the US Army:

Sergeant Thomas: When you are frightened, what do you do?

Private Joe: Keep on fighting!

Sergeant Thomas: You better. And if the enemy shoots off your right ear, what do you do?

Private Joe: Keep on fighting!

Sergeant Thomas: Good. But if the enemy also shoots off your left ear, what then?

Private Joe: Then I can't see.

Sergeant Thomas: Can't see? Where did you get your education, private?

Private Joe: Well sergeant, if both my ears are gone my helmet falls down...over my eyes.

Really funny jokes-Loan to hog

An ambitious hog goes to a bank to ask for a loan. He steps up to the counter and asks for an application from the clerk, Patrice Vack.

"Hi, I would like to apply for a loan", said the hog.

Patrice Vack replied, "Do you have any collateral for this loan; something that can stand against your loan?"

The hog replied, "All I have is this statue of a unicorn."

"I am not sure," said Patrice Vack, "I'll need to check with the manager about this."

Patrice Vack goes to see the bank manager.

The bank manager, who addresses Patrice by her nickname Patty, says: "Knick Knack, Patty Vack. Give the hog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone" (Pun from the lyrics of THE OLD MAN song)

Lawyer jokes-Money minded

Lance was talking to his friend Sheldon about his legal problems. Lance says, "I have a feeling that my lawyer is too concerned about making money."

Sheldon asks, "What makes you say that?"

Lance replies, "One of the items in his bill says: 'For waking up in the middle of the night and thinking about your case: $50'."

Short funny jokes-Hippo in bed

Q. What should you do if you find a hippopotamus in your bed?

A. Guess you'll have to sleep somewhere else.

Really funny jokes-Cowboy in Theatre

A lazy cowboy went to the movies. As the usher guided him to his seat, he noticed that the cowboy sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.

He whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy moaned but didn't move. The usher warned again. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'll have no choice but to call the manager."

The cowboy just moaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the security. The security guy surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right fella, what's you're name?"

"Tex," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Tex?"

With pain in his voice Tex replied.... "The balcony."

Funny Aviation joke-Three best things

Ask any pilot and he will agree that the three best things in life are a fine landing, a fine orgasm, and a fine bowel movement.

A night aircraft landing is a chance to experience all three together.

Teacher jokes-Cross eyed

I took my brother, Nikhil to college. He was curious to meet our cross-eyed professor who could not control his pupils.