Redneck jokes-Defence in court

Q: What is a Redneck's defense in court?

A: "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."

Good jokes-Customs

On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at London's Gatwick Airport. Tania headed for the British passport control line while I, an American, waited in the foreigners' line. When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit.

"Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon."

The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. "That's very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport. "Most men bring their wives with them."

Really funny jokes-Healer

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "but I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

Mr. Bean jokes-Spelling of successful

Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?

Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

Funny jokes-Wealthy Area

Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A: The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.

Clean jokes-Third wish

A man awakes to find himself lying by the side of a desolate country road. As he regains his bearings, he discovers that he has no memory of who he is or how he came to be there. As he stumbles about unsure of himself, a genie appears beside him and says "What is your third wish, master?"

Confused, the man asks "Who are you and why can't I remember anything?"

"I am your genie," the genie replies. "You are here because your second wish was to forget who you are and to be taken far away from everything you once knew. Now, my master, what is your third wish?"

"My third wish," answers the man, "Is to remember everything about who I am."

The genie laughs.

"What's so funny?", asks the man.

The genie replies, "That was your first wish."

Really funny jokes-Hot in Hell

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Toronto and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Torontonian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Toronto. I'm coping it just fine."

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Torontonian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!"

Short funny jokes-Benign

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Good jokes-Science exam

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Really funny jokes-Molested!

"Help! Help!" cried the young woman as she staggered up the steps of the police station. "An Irishman molested me!"

"How'd you know he was Irish?" inquired the Sergeant at the desk.

"I had to help him" she gasped.

Hilarious jokes-For Sale

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale."

Funny jokes-Seven day trip

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice;

If a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

Really funny jokes-The Fart List

The Fart List

THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.

THE DUD FART: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.

THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.

THE G AND L FART: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.

THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.

THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.

Office jokes-Delinquent customer

Ann had gotten a job in a collections department. She had to call all the delinquent customers, asking for payment, while still being courteous. After working there for a few months, she had become quite good at her job but realized that many of these customers were routinely delinquent. One man in particular had to be called every month and during this conversation with him, he interrupted her little speech and asked, “Excuse me, are you available?”

Ann quickly replied, “Not as long as your name comes up on my computer screen."

Funny jokes-Small Fry?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist.

They've obviously never been to the 'Chips 'r Us' fish and chippy on the Sutton Road.

Good jokes-Ice fishing

There were two good ol' boys from Alabama, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."

Really funny jokes-Female crew

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'

Adult jokes-Farmer Jones

Farmer Jones lived with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads.

His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said "you stay here until you learn how to behave yourself".

Shortly afterwards it began to rain.

About an hour later a traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay.The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn.He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn.
The Farmer said the bear would not bother him.

The salesman went to the barn.

Later, another traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about the barn, no lights and the tame bear.

Salesmen left for barn.

One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer.

He told her about the barn and mentioned the two traveling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear).

The woman said I can take care of myself and left for the barn.

Two hours later the Farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at the door.

When he opened the door ,the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.

The Farmer said : Good heavens what happened to you?

The woman replied : I give up on human nature, the first guy gave me forty dollars,t he second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap bugger in the fur coat never even said thanks.

One line jokes-Toad

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!

Doctor jokes-Expert Diagnosis

Abe, David and Bernard were not only best of friends but also the top doctors in the neighbourhood. One day, they were out walking in Golders Green when they saw this little old man walking rather strangely. He`s hunched over on one side, he’s dragging his right leg and he has his left hand on his lower back.

Abe says, “It`s peritonitis.”

David says, “It`s an orthopaedic problem, with flat arches and a touch of chondromalacia patellae.”

Bernard says, “It`s a nerve irritation at the level of L5.”

They argue a bit and then decide to go over and ask the old man what his problem is. So they do just that.

The man replies, “You`re all wrong. I thought I was about to fart when I crapped in my pants instead”

Really funny jokes-Bachelors and Married men

Q: Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat?

A: Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.
….Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge.

Funny jokes-Aspirin

A man walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"

"Do you mean aspirin?" asks the pharmacist.

"That's it! I can never remember that word!"

Little Johnny jokes-Impure thoughts

Little Johnny was taking confession, and he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister.

"Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.

The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Little Johnny, indeed, it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."

Funny jokes-Dallas Cowboys

Q. Did you hear they're gonna make the Dallas Cowboys start playing on a natural turf?

A. Yah! they're already snorting all the lines and smoking all the grass.

Adult jokes-Right and Wrong things to say

The RIGHT (R) And WRONG (W) Things To Say To A Man After making out:

R: You're the one
W: Next.

R: You really know how to satisfy a woman.
W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane?

R: You're the best I've ever had.
W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl.

R: What color are your eyes?
W: Is my discharge still brown?

R: You make me forget my problems.
W: You make me forget I'm just 15.

R: I think we should go away for the weekend.
W: I think we should go to the clinic.

R: I love you.
W: I love you.

Hilarious jokes-Chinese

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be, that one of us is Chinese.
It's either my mom or my dad, my older brother Colin, me or my youngest brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
I think it's Colin.

Short funny jokes-Favourite wine

What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?

"Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi."

Really funny jokes-Hot Tub tips for Women

Hot Tub Tips For Women

It is not lady like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, then scream at the top of your lungs "Oh yes baby!"

Washing your partners back is cool, washing your pantyhose is not!

Group nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience, but don't spoil things by making snide remarks like "I've seen bigger wangs on Hamsters"

It's OK to pass a joint while tubbing, it's not OK to pass gas.

Don't think you're fooling anybody by trying to pass off your vibrator as a toy submarine.

One line jokes-Golden age

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

Really funny jokes-Smell like Olive Oil

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it.
Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times.

That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked,
"Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?

Doctor jokes-Toilet seat

The doctor tells a male patient that he has a case of venereal disease.

The man replies "That is impossible, I haven't been with anyone recently. I must have caught it off a toilet seat".

Doctor says, " in that case you must have been chewing it because you have got it in your gums!!

Funny jokes-Old Computer Terms

Old Computer Terms

BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit."

BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.

BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the big mean computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.

CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.

CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"

DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seventeen hours at a clip.

DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.

ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."

EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips").

HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.

IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.

MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.

PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.

RETURN: What a lot of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.

TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.

Really funny jokes-My Birthday

Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on November 17, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday." As November 17 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on November 16, he happily repeated,

"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- and it was November 18.

Adult jokes-Sign from Above

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn’t going to bother and enter.

“What kind of attitude is that?” David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, “What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message.”

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher’s pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn’t wearing any panties, and suddenly her arse began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her arse as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.

The winning number was 707….

Hilarious jokes-What women want

A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."

Funny jokes-Software Engineers to change a light bulb

Question. How many Software Engineers do you need to change a light bulb?

Answer. None. It's a hardware problem!

Really funny jokes-Mexican Matador

Mexico City police arrested a 22-year old matador who abandoned the bull he was fighting, jumped out of the ring and fled into the crowd.

Later, the judge was unimpressed when he pleaded “temporary sanity".

Blonde jokes-First aid course

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course.

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

Funny jokes-Barbecue

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...

One line jokes-Car sickness

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Kids jokes-Two fingers

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

Funny jokes-The first man

A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart.

On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the best of her performance.

The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?"

She responded, "The first man was Peter, my postman, but he only paid me one hundred dollars!"

Office jokes-10 features of the Company Car

10 Features Of The Company Car

-- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

-- Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

-- Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

-- The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

-- It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.

-- It needs cleaning less often than private cars.

-- The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.

-- Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.

-- It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

-- It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches

Really funny jokes-High

You know you are really high when:

1. It takes an hour to cook minute rice.
2. You sell your car for gas money.
3. You think a quarterback is a refund.
4. Your friend takes a hit and says, that stone got me really hit.

Adult jokes-Cold hands

A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place.

He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood.

He came in after another 5 minutes and said honey my hands are cold again. So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.

5 minutes have passed and he went in again and said, honey my hands are cold again. She then said, Damn don't your ears ever get cold?

Hilarious jokes-A little accident

I was on my way home to Klerksdorp when a woman driving an old Peugeot 505 in front of me brushed a young girl driving a very clean Honda Accord. This young girl got out of the car and started insulting the woman, who was old enough to at least be her mother or Aunt.

All efforts by passers-by to pacify her proved abortive as she said the car was bought by her boyfriend... I just watched and sympathized with the woman. She told the girl she'd fix the car but it was already evening, getting late and she had no money on her unless the girl followed her home if her hubby could help. The girl kept screaming as people tried to beg on behalf of the woman.

The girl blatantly refused and decided to call her boyfriend saying: Baby, a stupid woman just hit my car". The car you bought me. The man appeared in no minute ready to please his girlfriend by raining insult on the woman. On getting there, he started shouting, "Where is the stupid woman that hit your car", only to realise the woman was his wife.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Clean jokes-BMW

Ann: I'm told you have BMW.
Liza: Yes, it is true.
Ann: How much did it cost you?
Liza: Ten meals a day.
Ann: Do you mean ten million dollars?
Liza: No. I mean what I say. It is ten meals a day, literally.
Ann: What are talking about?
Liza: About my BMW – Body-Mass Weight!

One line jokes-Road to success

The road to success is marked with many tempting parking places.

Funny jokes-Rotten day

It's Going To Be A Rotten Day When...

*You wake up face down on the pavement.
*You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
*You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.
*Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
*You want to put the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
*You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
*Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
*Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angles onto the freeway.
*Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your hat.
*The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
*You wake up and your braces are locked together.
*You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
*Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
*Your income check bounces.
*You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
*Your pet rock snaps at you.
*Your wife says "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

Practical jokes-Robbing a bank

A true story out of San Francisco...

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.