One line jokes-Scottish farmer

The Scottish farmer thought he'd caught a nasty STD, but it turns out he was just allergic to wool.

Really funny jokes-Free of cost

An ant knocks on the door of a house.

The house owner opens the door.

"I want a place to stay," said the ant.

"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost," said the owner.

The ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.

After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested to the owner, "Can you please allow this ant to stay with me?"

"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent," said the owner.

After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested the owner to allow the ant to stay with it.

The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.

This continued as the ant brings in one more and and the owner agrees for it.

One fine day, the ant brought in a tenth ant and requested the owner to allow him also to stay with it.

The owner said, "OK, you can all stay here but you all need to pay rent."

Now the question is: Why did the owner ask for rent when the last ant came in?

Because they are now tenants!

Redneck jokes-You might be one if

You Might Be a Redneck If......

* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
* You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
* You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
* You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
* Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

Yo Mama jokes-Hunchbacked

Yo mama's so hunchbacked, she has to wear goggles to wash dishes.

Adult jokes | Name after soda pop

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?" The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime." The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up." The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels." The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"

Good jokes-Use my landmower

My neighbour Bill asked if he could use my lawnmower.

I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Funny jokes-Actual writings on Hospital Charts

Actual writings on Hospital Charts

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.


Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Skin: somewhat pall, but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room·

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

One line jokes - Mother's opinion

Mother's opinion about 2 days old baby : He is like his father, whenever I talk to him, he goes to sleep.

Really funny jokes-Marriage secret

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids...."

Clean jokes-Golf Meditations

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Short funny jokes-Wnd beneath my wings

Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?

A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Hilarious jokes-Sharing the bed

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.

That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

Really funny jokes-Rude readhead

The rude redhead was on a blind date set up by a friend. She was disgusted by him - he had bad teeth, and was fairly dirty.

"Wow," he said, "when I was told that you were fiery, I didn't realize they meant you were a redhead."

"Wow," she replied tartly, "I didn't realize that when they said you were under six feet, they meant that's where they dug you up from."

Nursery rhymes children might have missed

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
Then died of electric shock.


GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

Doctor jokes-Epidural

My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth. Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.

Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot!"

Really good stuff-About Women.Part 2

* Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

* Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

* Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

* Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

* Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.

* Women think all beer is the same.

* Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

* Women don't understand the appeal of sports.

* Women brush their hair before bed.

* Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

* Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

* Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

Really funny jokes-FM radio

Kamran called FM radio & said "I've found a purse with Rs.15000/-, a credit card & an ID card of Mr. Nasir, No. J /125, Liaquatabad, Rawalpindi….

Radio Jockey : How honest ….so you want to return his purse…?

Kamran : No……. I just wanted to dedicate a sad song for him…

Yo Mama jokes-So ugly

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
just after she was born, her mama said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
it makes me wish birth control is retroactive.

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
Rice Krispies won't talk to her.

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
she can look up a camel's butt and scare the hump off of it.

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don't get stolen.

Short funny jokes-Passion for Maths

Women have a Passion for Mathematics

They divide their age in half

Double the price of their clothes &

Always add at least 5 years to the age of their Best Friend.

Hilarious jokes-All the credit

Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Really funny jokes-Things your mother would never say

Things Your Mother Would NEVER Say...


-- Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.

-- Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

-- That outfit isn't hot enough, here, unbutton your top .

-- Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.

-- The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

-- Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.

-- Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?

-- Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

Adult jokes | Self raising

One day, a young man entered a general store, and asked the beautiful, young, mini-skirted woman for a loaf of self-raising bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The woman climbed up a ladder, reached for the bread, and provided the man with an excellent view of her firm cheeks. It wasn’t long before dozens of young men were going into the store and asking for self-raising bread. After a while, she became tired and irritated. She stood at the top of the ladder, and said to an elderly man stood amongst the throng, “Is yours self-raising too?” The feeble old man croaked, “No, unfortunately, I need a little manual help!”

Practical jokes-Shipwrecked

Whether one is "shipwrecked" or just plain "wrecked," perhaps the following words of wisdom might help one stay at or near the surface. Keep the following in mind if you experience any of these symptoms while in a bar:

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
CAUSE: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
CAUSE: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Find a dog. Stand next to him. Complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
CAUSE: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
CAUSE: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have someone fetch some rope and tie you down in upright position.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
CAUSE: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
CAUSE: Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Go to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
CAUSE: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
CAUSE: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
CAUSE: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
CAUSE: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Open window fast.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
CAUSE: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Find
someone cushy-looking. Fall on him.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
CAUSE: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Pour contents of glass on him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
CAUSE: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
CAUSE: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
CAUSE: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
CAUSE: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Find someone sober to sing the song for you. Play backup air guitar.

Clean jokes-Missing goat

Farmer Azmat slaughtered a goat and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.

He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.

Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Azmat, did you ever find out who stole your goat?"

"Nope," said Azmat. "Not until just now."

Good jokes-Remake of The Exorcist

Q. Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake "The Exorcist"?

A. It's about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!

Redneck jokes-Etiquette for All Occasions

Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions!

*Never take a beer to a job interview
*It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
*Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
*Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul van to the funeral home.

Really funny jokes-Second fiddle

The husband was angry when he found out that his wife had been cheating on him.

He shouts at her, "I will play second fiddle to no one!"

The wife replies, "Second fiddle? With your little flute you are lucky you are still in the band!"

Clean jokes-Calming with tranquilizers

The young mother was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking
regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?"

"Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me."

"And how is your son now?" he asked.

She replied, "Who cares ..."

Short funny jokes-Cow who works for a gardener

What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?

A lawn moo-er.

Funny jokes-You're A Teacher If...

You're A Teacher If...

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

You find humor in other people's stupidity. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."

You believe chocolate is a food group.

You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know to correct their behavior.

You have no life between August to June.

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.

You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.

You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.

You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

You know you are in for a major project when a parent says: "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."

You want to choke a person when they say "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."

Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

Adult jokes | Lonely widow

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:HUSBAND WANTED:MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),MUST NOT BEAT ME,MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. Two days later the doorbell rang. She opened the door, and much to her dismay, there sat a gray-haired gentleman in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. "Are you responding to my ad?" the woman asked. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" "Yes, I am," the man replied. The old lady sneered: "Just look at you. You have no legs !"The old gentleman smiled and said: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" "You don't have any arms, either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, and softly replied: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" The wedding is set for Saturday.

Really funny jokes-Names And Puns

Names And Puns

I Want to Help: Abel N. Willin
Smart Beer Making: Bud Wiser
Genie in a Bottle: Grant Wishes
Fifty Yards to the Outhouse: Willy Makit and Betty Woant
Tinseltown Tales: Holly Wood
Ready...Set. ..: Sadie Word
Raising Flowers By Hand: Flo Wrist
Skunks in the Shrubbery: P. Yew
I'm Fine: Howard Yu
The Dead Of Winter: Jan Yuary
Mensa Man: Gene Yuss
Tear Up Those Betting Slips: Lou Zerr
Hollywood Gossip: Phyllis Zinn
Mexican Revenge: Monty Zuma
The German Bank Robbery: Hans Zupp

Office jokes-Four bones

The body of any organization has four bones:

1. Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work;

2. Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else;

3. Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do;

4. Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.

Adult jokes | The Proposal

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant..So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, and then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and & inches in your pants" After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read:"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

Hilarious jokes-Moby Dick

It was Sunday afternoon, and Pat and Mick were bored.
"Let's go to the pictures," said Mick, "we could see Moby Dick."
"I don't like them R-rated films," Pat replied.
"Don't be so daft," said Mick. "It's about whales."
"That's worse," said Pat, "I can't stand them Welsh fools."

Little Johnny jokes-Raw material

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."

The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?"

"Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

Really funny jokes-Noise Abatement

"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"

Animal jokes-Friendly Dog

One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman pinscher to be spayed. As a veterinary assistant, I escort the patient into the doctor's office.

Before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of hers and asked the owner, "Is she friendly?"

"Friendly?" said the man. "Friendly? She's had five litters! How much 'friendlier' than that can she get?"

Funny jokes-Animals

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

Short funny jokes-Sunburn

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the admin. assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

Blonde jokes-Strike!

What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?

A thought.

Really funny jokes-Taking a walk

One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.

When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, "See the doggy?"

Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.

However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"

Adult jokes | Newly married man

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance? " "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

Good jokes-If you're a cop

If you're a cop......Nine Ways NOT To Start Your Police Report:

1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent ...

3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire ...

4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout- outs" for my homeys in the command staff.

5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind ...

6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.

7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly. ..

8. The suspect then tried to assault me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist ...

9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...

Teacher jokes-Tough Exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Redneck jokes-Twelve days of Christmas

The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas

On my first day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
Some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

Really funny jokes-Breakfast in bed

The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.

Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"

"Of course, dear. Every single detail!"

"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."

Clean jokes-Eastern or Pacific

I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

Lawyer jokes-Brown and black

What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?

A doberman.

Hilarious jokes-Jumping off the bridge

A Trucker driving on a bridge noticed an young good looking girl going to jump off the bridge. He stops truck and rushes to save the girl, holds her and asked "What are you doing?".

The girl says, "I am trying to commit suicide and nothing can stop me or save me."

Truck driver was greatly attracted, did not find any solution to save her, asked, "Well before you jump off let us kiss as if there is no tomorrow."

The girl agreed and they kissed and kissed, french style and all.

After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! You are a great kisser, You are wasting a great talent. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't support me dressing up in a girl's dress"