Neither do I

Ted and Diana met at a night club. After a couple of drinks, they decided to go to Diana's place. After a night full of passion, Diana was the first one to wake up.

She went to the kitchen, and called out, "Honey, would you like bed-tea?"

Ted replied, "No sugar, I will join you in the kitchen."

Diana said, "Darling, would you like corn flakes with milk for breakfast?"

Ted replied, "Sweety, I would prefer wheat flakes, thanks!"

Diana said, "Wait a minute...don't tell me you don't remember my name either!!"

Dad's profession

My friend Sara was teaching her 3 year old son about various professions.

She asked little Roy, "What does a tailor do?"

Roy replied, "A tailor makes clothes."

Sara then asked him, "What does the milkman do?"

Roy replied, "He delivers milk."

She then asked, "Okay, what does your Dad do?"

Roy, knowing that his father was in the Air Force, replied, "He flashes his card wherever he goes."

Buffalo on the road

Jerry was driving his car in the countryside, when a very fat woman on a scooter zipped past him.

Jerry yelled, "Hey! Buffalo!"

The fat woman turned her head and yelled back, "You idiotic moron!"

The next thing she knew was that she was lying flat on on road and her scooter lay upside down. She realized she had an accident. It was a buffalo crossing the road that Jerry was warning her about!
 

Can't smoke here

Mike buys a pack of cigarettes from a store and proceeds to light a cigarette.

The store-keeper yells, "Hey, you can't smoke in here!"

Mike says, "But I bought it from your store."

The store-keeper shoots back, "Oh really, smart fella! We also sell condoms here, that does not imply that you can start using them here."

Encounters with the supernatural

It was a seminar on the existence of the supernatural and people who had encountered it.

The speaker, Dr. Reiss, posed a question before the audience, "Has anyone here seen a spirit?"

Almost everyone raised their hands. Dr. Reiss then asked, "Has anyone had a conversation with a spirit?"

A number of people raised their hands. Dr. Reiss asked next, "Has anyone here touched a spirit?"


A few people raised their hands. Dr. Reiss then asked, "Has anyone made love to a spirit?"

An old man at the back raised his hand. Dr. Reiss tried to figure out who had said that, and repeated his question, "Do you mean you really made love with a spirit?"

 The old fellow replied, "Oh, Guess I didn't hear you right the first time. I thought you said 'egret.'"

Boring book

Natasha, a blonde,  entered the library and said to the person in charge, "This book is boring. No tale and just too many characters."

The person in charge said, "No wonder I was looking for the telephone directory all day."

Pirate joke

Two pirates, Rex Hawkbill and Don Blythe, both of them ship-wrecked from their respective vessels, met in the sea. Each was hanging on to his raft.

Rex Hawkbill called out to Don, "Ahoy! Did your ship sink?"

Don Blyth replied, "Yes, 6 months back."

Rex Hawkbill said. "Really? And you have been floatin' all this time?"

Don Blyth replied, "Aye, what about it?"

Rex Hawkbill asked, "How did you bear it for all this time?"

Don Blyth said, "I have been askin' myself the same thing. It was actually boring, weekends in particular."

A trekking expedition

Mike was telling Elaine that he just finish a trekking expedition in the highest mountain ranges in the world.

Elaine asked him, "Everest?"

Mike replied, "Yeah, after every 200 feet."

MBA joke

The Tata group of companies decided to invite bids for their new Power generation plant. They called for bidders, and three companies decided to bid.

At the meeting, the Project Head of the Tata group asked the first bidder to quote his price.

The CEO of the first company who had done his MBA from Symbiosis said, "5 million. 3 mil for material and 2 mil for labour."

The Project Head then asked the CEO of the second company to present his bid.

The CEO of the second company who had done his MBA from NMIMS said, "10 million. 4 mil for material, 3 mil for labour, and another 3 for variable expenses."

The Project Head then asked the CEO of the third company to present his bid.

The CEO of the third company who was a product of IIM said, "15 million."

The project Head yelled, "15 million!!! What is the breakdown of costs?"

The CEO of the third company replied, "5 million for you. 5 for me. And 5 mil to get the fellow from Symbiosis to do the project."

Strange compliment

I was seated on a park bench, when an old lady who came and sat next to me, smiled and said, "You are very pretty."

I must have had a disbelieving expression on my face, because she was quick to assure me that she had given a sincere compliment.

I tried to explain to her by saying, "It's just that I hardly ever get to hear pleasant comments about my looks."

The old lady smiled and said,  "Just because you are plump does not mean you aren't pretty."

Proud pathan

A Pathan called Sher Singh goes to a pub and announces, "Bartender, serve drinks to everyone. Bill it to me. My wife has given birth to a typical Pathan boy weighing 5 kilos."

There is a lot of cheering and everyone congratulates Sher Singh.

After 15 days, Sher Singh visits the bar again. The bar-keep says to him, "Hey, aren't you the father of a typical Pathan boy whose weight was 5 kilos at birth? How much does the boy weigh now?'

Sher Singh proudly answers, "3 kilos!"

The bar-keep is surprised and asks, "What happened? Didn't he weight 5 kilos at birth?"

Sher Singh finished his drink and said, "Got the boy circumcised."

Call from the Sunflower clinic

When the Sunflower Clinic called Daniel on him home number, they got the following message on his answering machine.

"Hey, this is Daniel and i am having a great day in the outdoors. The positive thought for the day is LOVE EVERYONE! Leave your name & number and you will hear from me." "Beep".

The caller from the Sunflower left a message, "This is a call from the Sunflower clinic. Talking of POSITIVE, your VD test is back. Stop LOVING EVERYONE."

Grimace

When Susan walked into the living room in curlers and a much-worn night gown, her husband Ruth could not hide a grimace and commented, "How I wish you could look like how you were when we got married."

Susan replied, "Yeah? Tell me how can I? I ain't pregnant!"

How fast?

Roy lived in the countryside with his family. One morning, he was helping his buffalo give birth, when he noticed that his daughter, Kelly, was watching the entire event with curious eyes.

Roy thought to himself that one day he will have to explain to her about the birds and the bees. Why not grab the opportunity and start now, as this was a good occasion.

After the process was over, and a little baby buffalo was born, Roy walked up to Kelly and asked, "Well sweetheart, do you have any questions?"

Little Kelly, still shaken by the entire experience, asked, "How fast was the calf going when it hit the buffalo?"