Long face

The bartender could not help but notice how sad Simon was looking this evening. He asked, "Hey, why the long face? Everything okay at home?"

Simon replied, "Fought with my wife. he swore she will give me the silent treatment for a whole month."

The bartender joked, "C, mon...you should be glad about it. I mean, how many people have the good fortune of not being nagged by the missus for a month?"

Simon said, "The oath ends tonight."

Painted seat

Dan was unemployed, so he would run errands and look after the house while his wife, Donna worked.

One way, Dan was doing all sorts of repairs in the bathroom, when he decided to paint the toilet seat. Donna came home early that day and wanted to use the washroom.Dan did not remember to warn her about the paint. The moment she sat on the seat, is was pasted to her behind. Try as she may, she could not get it off. Dan tried too but to no avail. Finally, they had no choice but to take her to a doctor.

She draped herself in a large coat to hide the seat. At the doctor's clinic, Dan lifted the coat to show the doctor what had happened and said, "I bet you have never seen something like this before."

"I have" replied the doctor, "but never in a casing."

Problem solved

Joe Garner goes to see his doctor but is shy to share his problem. Dr. Xarsis helps him relax and then asks him to talk freely about his problem.

Joe hesitates for a moment, then says, "Err...I have trouble performing in bed. My wife is always complaining. Is there something that you can do for me?"

Dr Xarsis says to him cheerfully, "Your problems are a thing of the past, Joe. Haven't you heard about Viagra? It will put to rest all your worries and you will be performing like a tiger!"

The good doctor gives some pills to Joe whose leaves the doctor's clinic with fresh hopes.

A couple of days later, Joe has a chance meeting with Dr. Xarsis at a coffee shop. Joe whispers into the doctor's ears, "That drug is fantastic! I can't thank you enough!"

Dr. Xarsis asks him with a smile, "I am happy for you. What does your wife have to say?"

"Wife?" says Joe, "Uhh...I have not been home yet."

Saving up

Troy Hogan, at the advance age of 72, got married and the marriage was the talk of the town. More so, because his bride was only 26. They checked into a beach resort in Maldives for their honeymoon and the resort was abuzz with gossip.

Next morning, Troy walks into the resort's dining area looking ever so fresh. He ordered a big breakfast and joked with everyone. When his young bride walked into the dining hall after some time, she looked pale and tired. She ordered some tea and that's all she had. She hardly spoke to anyone.

Old Troy left  the dining room, and the waitress, not wanting to miss the opportunity asked her, "The old man looks so refreshed while you look so fatigued. Is everything all right?"

The young girl said, "This man took me for a ride. Before our wedding, he told me he had saved up for 40 years. You can't blame me for thinking it was money he meant,"

Chinese story

Li Hong, a desperate Chinese guy decides to hire the services of a woman of the night. As soon as they are in the room, they undress and get on with it.

When done, Li Hong gets down from the bed, does 5 sit-ups, runs to the window, rotates his head clockwise in circular motion, crawls under the bed, comes out from the other side, jumps into the bed and performs another session with the woman.

The woman is impressed with the energy of Li Hong. When done, the Chinese guy gets down from the bed, does 5 sit-ups, runs to the window, rotates his head clockwise in circular motion, crawls under the bed, comes out from the other side, jumps into the bed and performs a third session with the woman.

This happens 3 more times. The woman can't help but wonder how this guy rejuvenates himself after such rigorous sessions. So she decides to try it out, gets down from the bed, does 5 sit-ups, runs to the window, rotates her head clockwise in circular motion, crawls under the bed, only to find 5 Chinese men.

Stronger

Tommy and Johnny were having an argument.

Tommy said, "My Dad is stronger than your Dad."

To this, Johnny argued, "Oh yeah? But my Momma is better than your Momma."

Tommy replied, "I suppose so. Even my Dad says the same thing."

A joke on musicians

At the Gates of Heaven, all entrants were being checked to confirm their identity before they were let in.

The angel asked the first man in line, who was a tycoon from Chicago."What have you achieved in your life?"

The tycoon replied, "I made it big in the steel business. I didn't keep everything to myself. I distributed my money among my entire family, so the next 4 generations will not have to worry."

The angel invited him in.

He asked the next man in line about his achievements.

It was a stock broker from New York. He said, "I made millions at NYSE. But I was not selfish like the Chicago guy to keep all my wealth in the family. I donated a few millions to orphanages around the world."

"That's good" said the angel and invited him in.

The next man in line was trying not to make eye contact. When the angel asked him, he replied, "I made only seven thousand dollars in my whole life."

"Good Lord", said the angel. "Which instrument did you play?"

Civilized talk

When Antonio learnt about his wife, Mary's having an extra-marital affair, he availed the services of a private detective to get proof. The private detective followed Mary and gathered enough evidence about her affair with a banker.

Antonio was convinced that he could still save his marriage if he could get the banker out of the way.

Being a man of the 21st century, he decided to handle the matter in a professional and refined manner. So he sent a mail to Mary's banker boyfriend. It read:

Sir

It has been brought to my notice that you are dating my wife.
In order to settle this matter amicably and in a civilized manner, I propose that you come and visit me at my office at 5 pm on Thursday evening.

Rgds


The banker was amused to gat a formal letter in such a case. So, he mailed the following reply:
 

Sir
 

I acknowledge receipt of your group mail. I hereby confirm my attendance at the seminar in your office lecture hall.
 

Rgds

Dress code

Nancy was employed in the Human Resources department of a large multinational. Having graduated recently from college, her job was to impart training to employees in corporate dress code and conduct.

She was stepping into the elevator one day when a man sporting a french beard, and dressed casually in cargoes and t-shirt, entered with her.

Reminded of her responsibilities, Nancy taunted, "Dressed a little too casually for a Thursday, aren't we?"

The man with the french beard replied, "Just one of the perks of owing the company!"

Ring Bearer

Little Neil was very excited to attend his uncle's wedding. Stepping down the aisle, he would take a step, stop, face the crowd, twist his fingers like claws, and make a growling noise.

At every step he would repeat it. He would take turns to be on the groom's side, the groom being his uncle, and do his act. And then he would go to the bride's side and repeat the clawing, growling. The crowd was amused by these dramatics and everyone started laughing.

Little Niel, however, was getting upset by all the attention & laughing and would have cried had his mother not consoled him.

When his mother asked him what he was doing, Little Niel replied, "I played the Ring Bear."

First time

Genelia went to the gynec for a check up and was told she is pregnant.

A little concerned, Genelia confided in the doc that she was going to be a mom for the first time and she did not know anything about childbirth.

The gynec, reassuring her, said, "Don't worry, it's not too different from how it started in the first place."

Genelia was visible surprised and said, "You mean 3 rounds of the park with my legs hanging out of the pick up van?"

Poor memory

Lisa asked her husband Jack, "Do you know who scored the maximum goals in the 1990 Football World cup?"

Jack replied, "Yes, it was Salvatore Schillaci of Italy.6 goals.Why did you ask?"

Lisa says, "And you didn't remember our marriage anniversary was yesterday!!!"

Later, Jack says to his friends at the bar, "I couldn't even tell her I suffer from a poor memory!"

Black sheep

Nixon, a social worker volunteers to go deep into one of Africa's under-developed north-east regions to live with a tribe there and educate them. He spends many years with them and teaches them to read, write and helps them inculcate socially acceptable behavior.

Nixon stressed on them to avoid extra marital relationships, or experimenting outside marriage.

One fine day, a white child is born to the wife of one of the tribesmen. The entire village is shocked by this. The Chief summons Nixon and says to him, All this time that you have been here, you have taught us not to be promiscuous, to be faithful to our spouses, and yet we find a black woman giving birth to a white child. No other white man than yourself has even come to this village. It is obvious that you are responsible."

Nixon tried to calm down the chief and said, "My dear fellow, you are misunderstanding the situation. What you have witnessed here is an act of nature. Its a phenomenon that we call an albino. Look around yourself, amongst the white sheep, you will find a black one. In the jungles, you will find a white tiger, there are even albino crocodiles. Phenomenons like these occur once in a while."

The chief thinks about this for a moment and then says, "I have a proposal. You keep quiet about the black sheer and I will keep quiet about the white child."

About time!

Old Mr. McPherson felt the need to be with a woman again. His wife had died 10 years back and he would feel very lonely at times. So he decides to have a good time before he dies of old age. He gets dressed in his best jacket and heads to the town bar. He finds a pretty young thing whom he wines and dines. They end up at her place and have an action-packed night.

After 10 days, he finds a discharge from his manhood. He rushes to the doctor to find out what it is. The doc examines him and asks him about any adventures that he had in the past couple of weeks. Old McPherson tells the doc about his night out.

The doc asks him, "Do you remember her name?"

"Yup" replies old McPherson.

The doc then asked, "Do you remember where she lives?"

"Yup" replies old McPherson.

"Okay then", said the doc, "My advice is...run back to her...I have reason to believe you are about to come."