The old machine

Alex Wagner, a wealthy 82 year old businessman, marries Elie, a 24 year old girl from the country.

A year goes by and Elie delivers a baby. Dr. Johnson comes out of the delivery room and congratulates Alex telling him that his wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

The old man says proudly, "The old machine is still up and running!"

A year later, Elie gives birth to another child. Dr. Johnson comes out of the delivery room and congratulates the old man telling him that his wife gave birth to a healthy baby girl. Old Alex says proudly, "The old machine is still up and running!"

Another year goes by and Elie delivers a third baby. Dr. Johnson again greets and congratulates the old businessman for a son that his wife had delivered again. Alex is elated and announces once again, "The old
machine is still up and running!"

The good doctor can't take it any more, so he blurts out, "I know, but I suggest you get the oil changed because this one is black!"

Jovie's wits

David asks his little son Jovie, "Tell me Jovie, whom do you love more, Mom or Dad?"

Jovie had learnt to be diplomatic at an early age. So he replied, "I love you both the same."

David said, "Son, you need to choose between one of us."

Jovie replied, "My answer is BOTH!"

So, David decides to test him further and asks, "Ok, if I go to London and your mother decides to go to Rome, where will you go?"

Jovie says, "I will go to Rome."

David says to his son, "That means you love your mother more than you love me."

Jovie replies, "No. I want to go to Rome because it is more beautiful than London."

David tests his son again, "Fine, if I go to Rome and your mother goes to London, who will you go with?"

Jovie replies, "I will go to London."

David says, "Why? You just said Rome is better."

Jovie chuckles and says,"But I have just visited Rome, right?"

Blondie's troubles

Blondie was at Marvin's Door & Windows showroom having an argument with the salesman.

She said, "Just six months back, I converted into a green home by replacing all my windows with those pricey energy efficient ones that you convinced me to take. And now, I receive a notice from you that I have not paid for the windows!!"

The salesman said, "That's absolutely right, mam."

Blondie said, "Do you think I am stupid? Didn't you claim that the windows would pay for themselves in 6 months."

You need proof!

Ronnie goes to his lawyer, Mr. Shark and complains, "My neighbor Bonnie owes me $300 but does not intend to return it. Is there something I can do to recover it?"

Mr. Shark asks Ronnie, "Do you have any proof of the transaction?"

"No", replies Ronnie.

Mr. Shark advises, "Well then, write a mail to Bonnie asking him for the $600 he owes you."

Ronnie says, "But he owes me only $300!"

Mr. Shark replies, "I know. That's what he will write back to you and that will give us the evidence we need."

Bubba's call

Bubba calls Dr. Sobers in the middle of the night and says, "Dr. Sobers, the missus is experiencing severe pain in the stomach. Think it's her appendix."

Doctor Sobers, obviously upset for being disturbed at 1 am, growls, "What the hell are you talking? I removed your wife's appendix just a year back! Get off the phone

and let me sleep!"

After about 10 minutes, Bubba calls again and says, "Dr Sobers, I am mighty sure it's her appendix."

Dr. Sobers yells, "Good lord, have I not told you already I removed her appendix. Do you know of anyone having a second appendix?"

Bubba replies, "No. I have not. But I can bet you know of someone having a second wife!!"

Love in the modern times

Madonna says to her father, "Daddy, I am head over heals in love with a guy, but he is so far away from me. I am in the US, he lives in India. We found each other on a dating site, got to be friends on Fb, chatted in Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Google Hangouts and we built our relationship on Snapchat. Daddy dear, please don't preach. Just need your love and support."

Madonna's dad says, "That's something! Why don't you marry on Twitter, have a good time on Tango, purchase your kids on Amazon and send them through Paypal.  And if your husband is giving you a tough time, sell him on Ebay."
            

Worn out!

The elderly Mrs. Caroll walked into Dr. O Brien's clinic.

Dr. O Brien, a renowned gynac, asked Mrs. Caroll to lie down for a check up.

The good doctor switched on his goose-neck lamp and was having trouble holding the lamp in one place to be able to see properly.

Dr O Brien commented to the nurse, "It seems to have worn out."

Mrs. Caroll sat up and exclaimed, "I am 77. What do you expect, doc?"

It's a fine day

Jacob says to his wife Geena, "Isn't today a fine day?"

Geena replies, "Yes, it is."

The next day, Jacob says to Geena again, "Isn't today a fine day?"

Geena reples, "It is, dear."

The next day Jacob asks the same thing to Geena. This goes on for a week till Geena can't take it any more and asks Jacob, "What's wrong with you, darling? I know the weather is good but why do you keep asking if its a fine day?"

Jacob shoots back, "Remember we quarreled last week and you had said you are going to leave me one fine day. well, all I was doing is remind you!"

Hunting expedition

Phil Sanders is about to leave for his hunting expedition when Tressa, his blonde wife, calls from behind.
"Honey", she says, "I want to join you. I am sure deer hunting is a lot of fun."

Attired in hunting clothes, she was already ready to go before Phil could say anything. Though reluctant, Phil gives in to her enthusiasm and they go together to the forest.

Phil sets her up on a tree stand and instructs her to take a good aim when she sees a deer and then shoot. He promises that he would run back to her when he hears the gun shot.

While walking away, Phil can't suppress a smile because he knows that Tressa will miss even an elephant, so hunting down a deer was out of the question.

Very soon, he hears a volley of gunshots and runs back to the tree stand. As he approaches the tree stand, he hears Tressa voice saying, "Just stay away from my damn deer!!"

Phil runs harder to get to the tree stand wondering what's wrong. As he gets closer, there is more gunfire and his wife's hoarse voice screaming, "I said stay away from that godforsaken deer!!"

When he reaches the tree stand, he sees a man with his hands raised and crying in desperation, "Ok madam, you can have your deer. Will you please allow me to get my saddle off it?"

That's life for you!

My friend Sahil was looking so down and depressed, I had to ask him what was wrong.

His reply was, "How worse can my luck get? You know Sara the nympho, I was hoping to have a good time with her and she said, let's just be friends."

Take another look

The Smith family was holidaying and they had taken their car along. They were speeding along when they noticed a big green frog in the middle of the road. Mr. Smith braked hard and the car screeched to a stop inches from the frog.

Mr. Smith got out, picked up the frog and took him to the side of the road to safety.

The frog spoke and told Mr. Smith that it was a magical frog and wanted to grant him a wish for saving its life.

Mr. Smith said, "I want my pet Bonnie to bag the first place in the dog race."

The frog said to Mr. Smith, "Ok, let me have a look at your dog."

Mr. Smith called out to Bonnie who limped out of the car. The frog had a look at the dog who had only three legs, was overweight, and just about managed to drag its body. The frog said with disgust, "You want that dog to win the race!! Don't you think it's impossible! Why don't you ask for another wish."

Mr. Smith said, "Ok, can you help my wife win the beauty pageant in the city."

The frog said, "All right, lets take a look at your wife."

Mrs. Smiths stormed out of the car.

The frog said to Mr. Smith, "I would like to take another look at that dog."

A Stroke

Sir Santa Singh ji came home early one day only to find strange sounds coming from the bedroom.
He ran to the bedroom and pushed open the door only to find his wife lying naked on the bed, sweating profusely and breathing heavily.

He asked her, "What's going on? Are you all right?"

His wife Billo cried aloud, "I'm having a stroke!"

He rushed out of the bedroom and ran for the phone. He called the family doc and was about to inform the the doc about his wife's condition, when his little son came running and said, "Papa, I just saw Uncle Banta hiding in your closet and he is not wearing any clothes!!"

Sir Santa Singh ji gets really mad. He rushes to the bedroom and forces the closet door open. And lo, he finds Banta Singh ji hiding in the closet, in his birthday suit.

Santa Singh ji screams at Banta Singh "You fool, my wife is having a stroke and here you are, running around and scaring the kids!"

What are you doing tonight?

Danny's doorbell was ringing and when he answered it, he found his pretty neighbour Sally, pacing restlessly at his door.

Sally, who had recently got a divorce, said to him, "Dan, I am feeling so lonely, I can't take it anymore. I want to let my hair down, get drunk & want to have a good time. What are you doing tonight?"

Danny replied quickly, "I am free!"

"Wonderful." Sally said. "Can you take care of my kids?"

Old Uncle Alec

Uncle Alec was taking his evening walk when he chanced upon a lady of the night, who was leaning against a lamp post.

The lady called out to Uncle Alec, "Hey old man, why don't you give it a try?"

Uncle Alec replied, "No, young lady, I don't think I can."

The woman persisted, "Oh come on, let's give it a try!"

Uncle Alec agreed and went with her into a seedy hotel room. He surprised her with the rigour with which he performed.

The woman said, "I can't believe you said you don't think you can! You performed like a young boy!"

Uncle Alec replied, "Oh that!! That's not a problem at all, what I can't do is pay!"