Future plans

Nine-year-old Derick's parents were chatting with him regarding his future plans. Derick said he would like to go to Harvard just like his parents and other family members had done. Happy that their child was being sensible about his future, they pressed on.

"And what would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked Derick.

Pondering over it for some time, and glancing around the living room, he replied, "The TV, if you don't mind me taking it."

Short funny jokes-Hide cash

Q. If you need to hide cash from a Harley Davidson rider, where should you keep it?

A. That's not difficult, just put it in the bathroom, below the soap.

Short funny jokes-The workshop

Tina was gossiping with her friend Sara.

Tina : Can you tell the Secret for a successful marriage?

Sara: You tell.

Tina: It's "The Work-Shop". The husband works while the wife shops!

How things work at the Pearly Gates

An old man dies and goes to the Pearly Gates where he is greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter says to the old man, "I'll explain the rules to you. You need 100 points to enter heaven. You can start telling me all the good deeds that you have done and I will allot you points. If you score a hundred, you will be given entry."

The old man begins, "I was happily married to the same woman for 63 years. I never as much as looked at another woman in my life. I loved my wife and took care of all her needs."

"That's good," says St. Peter. "I'll give you 3 points."

"Oh," says the man. "This is going to be tougher than I thought. Well, I was regular at church regularly, volunteered my time and prayed faithfully."

"Fine," says St. Peter, "That will be another 2 points."

"Just 2 points?" says the old man. "All right, I was also involved with a prison ministry for twenty years. I went into the prison, every month and shared prayers with them."

"Great!" says St. Peter. "Another 3 points for you!"

"Only three points!" says the man. "At the rate we are going, it will be only by the grace of God that I will ever get into this place."

"Bingo!" says St. Peter. "That's a hundred points! Come on in."

Baby ghost

When the Mother ghost had to take the Baby ghost out for a walk in the garden, she said : Put your boos and shocks on!

Teaching a teacher a lesson

Two female teachers at a high school had a routine of sharing their coffee and snacks together during their morning break in the teacher's room. Each would bring a favorite snack and it would be shared between them.

The problem was a male teacher who would pass by while the ladies were taking their morning break. He would see the spread on the table and utter something like, "Wow, cookies!".

Then he would help himself without an invitation and would keep taking one snack after the other. This habit of his really irritated the two lady teachers as the male teacher never had the decency to offer anything nor had he ever asked if he could help himself.

Finally the lady teachers decided enough was enough, and they came up with a plan. One of them bought a doughnut, took out the custard and substituted it with mustard. When the male teacher came in the teacher's room that day, he helped himself to the only doughnut left on the plate as was his habit and left. He never said anything about the mustard, but never went to the teacher's room again when the female teachers were taking their snack break.

Funny jokes-The mop threat

Jerry got into a brawl with the class bully. The big bully, in a threatening tone, growled, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

Jerry, mustering enough courage, replied back, "You will regret it."

The bully said, "Really? And do you mind explaining why?"

Jerry replied, "I don't think you will be able to get into the corners very well."

Chemistry puns

Q: Do you want to hear a joke about sodium?

A: Na

~~~~~~~

That was a bad chemistry joke because all the good ones Argon.

Really funny jokes-Counting trick

Dean was sitting in his drawing room having a cup of coffee, quite at ease with himself. In comes his son with a plate in his hands containing two pastries. He sits opposite Dean and says: “Dad, tell me, how many pastries are there in my plate?”

Dean: “I can see two.”

Son: “No, there are three, I can prove it.”

Dean: “How?”

Son: “This one is one.” He then proceeded to point to the other and said: “This is two, right? And one plus two is three, isn’t it?”

Dean: “How clever of you, son? I am impressed. Now let’s see.”

He picked up one from the plate and said: “This one is for me,” picked up the second one and said: “This for your sister. You can have the third one for yourself.”

Little Johnny jokes-Maths problem

Little Johnny was in Maths class when the teacher asked the class to solve a problem. The problem was like this:

A rich man worth twenty million dollars dies. One fourth of his wealth goes to his wife, one third to his daughter, and one fifth to his nephew, and the rest is donated to old people's home. Now, what does each party get?"

Little Johnny, sitting on the last bench replied, "A lawyer!"

No chances with Mother-in-law

Martin took his wife and mother-in-law on a pilgrimage to a holy land. The mother-in-law suddenly had a heart attack and died there. The undertaker told Martin that they can ship the body to their home for five thousand dollars. Alternatively, they could bury her there itself for five hundred. What would it be?

Martin said without any hesitation to ship the dead body home. The undertaker was mighty impressed: “Well now, what can I say? You must love your ma-in-law dearly. You are prepared to throw five thousand to take her back home where as you could have done it much cheaper and that too, at a holy place like this. I am really moved.”

Martin: “It’s not that. Ages ago a man died and was buried here. I heard that three days later he rose from the dead because of some miracle in this holy place. I certainly don’t want to take that chance in this case.”

Really funny jokes-College graduate

A young guy got a job of a trainee in a supermarket.

On his first day at work, he reached in time, eager to make a fresh beginning. The manager welcomed him with a warm smile and giving him a broom, said, "Your first job will be to sweep the floor."

The young guy protested,"But I'm a college graduate"

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, hand me the broom, I will show you how to sweep the floor."

The richest man in the World

When Bill Gates was a young boy, he had a pet crow. He tried to teach the bird how to speak, introducing a new word every day.

It was disappointing for him as the crow would not make any sound, until one day the crow uttered the words, "Bill, someday you will become the richest man in the world".

Bill was amazed. He wanted to learn more but the crow became quiet and would not utter another word. So, he decided to go to a gypsy fortune-teller. The old lady looked into her crystal ball and said, "You are destined to be the richest man in the world, but you need to perform a simple task."

When she told Bill what is to be done, he ran home, full of excitement. Bill's mother found him cooking something in the kitchen the next morning.

She asked him what he was doing and he replied, "Mother, do you remember what the crow said to me the other day?"

His mother said, "Right Bill, but what are you cooking?"

"Well," said Bill, "I went to see the Gypsy fortune-teller and she confirmed what the crow had to say!"

"Wow, that's wonderful!" said his mother, "But what is it that you are cooking in the pot?"

"Well, the gypsy woman told me that I needed to do a simple thing to get my fortune!"

His mother said impatiently, "Yes Bill, now will you tell me what are you cooking?"

His eyes gleaming, Bill Gates replied "Well, she asked me to make MY CROW SOFT!!"

Complicated name

One early morning, Rehan’s wife died after a long illness. Rehan called for an ambulance from the funeral service. He said: “My wife is no more. She died this morning.”

The operator said, “I am sorry to hear that. I will arrange to send an ambulance right away. And what is the name of the street, sir?”

Rehan replied, “It’s Chincholi Bunder road.”

The Operator asked: “Err….. will you spell it for me, sir? “

Rehan replied, “No I will just haul her down to your place.”