Hilarious jokes-Substitute

Martin was working in a small town as branch manager of a financial institution. The rule stipulated that if a branch manager of a small branch needed leave for some reason, he had to inform the nearest city office which would send a substitute to take charge of the town office.

Martin’s wife got sick and he needed leave for a few days. The city office received a cable which read: “Wife sick, send substitute for a week.”

Football jokes-Possum

Why the Arizona Cardinals are like a possum?

Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Really funny stuff-The Chocolate rules for Dieting

The chocolate rules

- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

– Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

– The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the shop in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the car park.

– Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It will take the edge off your appetite and you will eat less.

– A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

– If you cant eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you cant eat all your chocolate, whats wrong with you?

– If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

– Money talks. Chocolate sings.

- Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

- If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top tights. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

– Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Really funny jokes-Pass the ball

A big boned, burly college student decided to try his hand at football so he approached the coach. The coach wanted the boy to tackle the football. The boy ran smack into an electric pole and shattered it. The coach, now impressed asked him to run and the boy ran zigzag like a deer runs for its life.

“That’s really nice. But can you pass the ball? That’s what counts.” said the coach.

The boy was thoughtful while the coach was waiting. Finally he said: “It’s like this sir. If I can swallow it, I guess I can pass it too.”

Funny jokes-Four food groups

All my life, I have struggled to break free from each of the four food groups:

the chocolate group,
the fried snack group,
the caffeine group,
and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is group.

Ode to a Cat

Ode To A Cat

I think that I shall never see
A cat that sheds as much as thee
Thy fur that sticks is all around
On chairs, on mats in little mounds
I sweep the floor, you shed some more
I wash the rug and you just shrug
You should give thanks I tolerate that
Or you would be a crew cut cat.

Clearer instructions

I had unintentionally become the center of attraction at the supermarket this afternoon.  I was standing in the queue to make payment. When it was my turn to pay, the cashier made the strangest request - he said to me, "Strip down, facing me."

Well, I needed the groceries, so I did as told. But not before I had made a mental note to file a complaint with the management.

There was some screaming and shrieking and I finally realized that he was referring to my credit card.

I have been debarred from entering the supermarket premises.

Don't you think we seniors deserve clearer instructions?

Really funny jokes-Things to remember during War

War jokes

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

My money

Rahul and Jany were checking out their new villa.

Rahul had paid for the house and he felt the urge to keep reminding his wife about it.

As they went to each room, he said to her, "Jany, if it were not for my money, we would not be here."

Jany kept quiet. 

That evening, their new furniture was delivered, furniture which Rahul had paid for. After the furniture was set, they took another look at the house. As they saw the gloriously decorated house, Rahul reminded Jany,
"If it were not for my money, this furniture would not be here."

Jany maintained her silence.

Later that evening, another vehicle delivered a state-of-the-art electronics system with home theatre.

Again, Rahul could not help himself but remind Jany, "Sweetheart, it it were not for my money, this system would not be here."

Jany was not quiet this time. She replied, "Sweetheart, I don't want to make you feel bad, but...if it were not for your money, I wouldn't be here either!"

The trick side

Peter and Paul were talking about their wives.

"Have you ever done it doggie style with your wife?" asked Peter.

"Well, I don't think it qualifies," replied Paul, "She likes the trick side of it."

"Sounds like kinky stuff, huh?" said Peter.

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead!"

Born Irish

A really funny joke to share with you.

A British dude asked a Scottish guy, "What would you have been born as, had you not been born a Scot?"

The Scottish guy replied, "Maybe English!"

Then the British dude asked an Irish guy, "And what would you have been born as, had you not been born Irish?"

The Irish guy replied, "I would be ashamed of myself!"

Imaginative creativity!

Dan is talking to his buddy Aaron over some drinks at the local watering hole.
Dan says, "What kind of women wear clothes that expose?"

Aaron, finishing his drink, replied, "Those who do not trust the imaginative creativity of men!"

one liner jokes

Q. What's the difference between an Puerto Rican and a computer?
A. You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q. What do you call a field full of Puerto Rican?
A. A vacant lot.

Funny jokes-Last name

When I reached office late one morning, I got the message that someone called "Robert" had called for me from the bank regarding my company's current account. 

Returning the call to my bank, the operator asked what Robert's last name was. I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

Then the operator asked for his department, and I said that I had no idea.

"There are 1250 employees in this building, sir," the operator informed me rather sharply.

So I asked her for her name.

"Bridgette," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "it's company policy not to give last names."