Really funny jokes-Things to remember during War

War jokes

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

My money

Rahul and Jany were checking out their new villa.

Rahul had paid for the house and he felt the urge to keep reminding his wife about it.

As they went to each room, he said to her, "Jany, if it were not for my money, we would not be here."

Jany kept quiet. 

That evening, their new furniture was delivered, furniture which Rahul had paid for. After the furniture was set, they took another look at the house. As they saw the gloriously decorated house, Rahul reminded Jany,
"If it were not for my money, this furniture would not be here."

Jany maintained her silence.

Later that evening, another vehicle delivered a state-of-the-art electronics system with home theatre.

Again, Rahul could not help himself but remind Jany, "Sweetheart, it it were not for my money, this system would not be here."

Jany was not quiet this time. She replied, "Sweetheart, I don't want to make you feel bad, but...if it were not for your money, I wouldn't be here either!"

The trick side

Peter and Paul were talking about their wives.

"Have you ever done it doggie style with your wife?" asked Peter.

"Well, I don't think it qualifies," replied Paul, "She likes the trick side of it."

"Sounds like kinky stuff, huh?" said Peter.

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead!"

Born Irish

A really funny joke to share with you.

A British dude asked a Scottish guy, "What would you have been born as, had you not been born a Scot?"

The Scottish guy replied, "Maybe English!"

Then the British dude asked an Irish guy, "And what would you have been born as, had you not been born Irish?"

The Irish guy replied, "I would be ashamed of myself!"

Imaginative creativity!

Dan is talking to his buddy Aaron over some drinks at the local watering hole.
Dan says, "What kind of women wear clothes that expose?"

Aaron, finishing his drink, replied, "Those who do not trust the imaginative creativity of men!"

one liner jokes

Q. What's the difference between an Puerto Rican and a computer?
A. You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q. What do you call a field full of Puerto Rican?
A. A vacant lot.

Funny jokes-Last name

When I reached office late one morning, I got the message that someone called "Robert" had called for me from the bank regarding my company's current account. 

Returning the call to my bank, the operator asked what Robert's last name was. I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

Then the operator asked for his department, and I said that I had no idea.

"There are 1250 employees in this building, sir," the operator informed me rather sharply.

So I asked her for her name.

"Bridgette," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "it's company policy not to give last names."

Golf , naturally

Jim, who was about to retire from work, was gifted a set of golf clubs by his colleagues.

Wanting to the game, he approached a professional for guidance, clarifying that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The professional showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

Jim, the trainee teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?", Jim asked the dumbfounded professional.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the professional finally managed to mutter.

Jim replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"

Good jokes-Weather girl

"You never get anything right," scolded Mrs. Jacob, the science teacher. "What kind of job do you think you'll get when you leave school ?"

Suzie said, "Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV."

Hilarious jokes-Watson Woods

Lisa checked in at the Gates of Heaven and requested to join her former husband, Watson Woods. 

Saint Peter said, "We have a million Watson Woods. Give us a little hint."
 

Lisa said, "My Watson is handsome, has a mole on his cheek, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he would turn over in his grave."

Saint Peter instructed an angel, "Take her to Whirling Watson!"

Really funny jokes-Until the last moment

Minister Reeves was waiting in line at the gas station to have his car filled. There were several cars ahead of him and though the attendant hurried with his job, it took quite some time before it was minister's turn to get his car refueled. 

The attendant, while  motioning him toward a vacant pump, said, "Reverend, sorry for the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

Minister Reeves laughed, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

The pizza delivery boy

Danny, a college student, also worked as a part-time pizza delivery boy.

One day he arrived at Mr. Thompson's residence to deliver pizza.

After taking the pizza, Mr. Thompson asked Danny, "How much tip do you get normally?"

"Well," replied Danny, "this is my first trip to your place, but the other boys say if I can manage to get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing just fine."

"Is that so?" said an offended Mr. Thompson, "Well, just to prove them wrong, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied Danny, "I'll put this in my college fund."

"What are you studying in college?" asked Mr. Thompson.
 

Danny gave a quick smile and said, "Applied psychology."

Teacher jokes-Spell wrong

Teacher : How do you spell "wrong"?

Bobby : R-O-N-G.

Teacher: That's wrong.

Bobby: That's what you asked for, isn't it?

Funny jokes-False teeth

Paul, the priest got himself a set of false teeth at the dental clinic.

The first Sunday after he got his new teeth, he spoke for only five minutes.

The next Sunday, he spoke for only ten minutes.

The Sunday after that, he spoke for three hours.

The congregation had to fight him to get him down from the pulpit and they were curious to know what made him talk so much.

Priest Paul explained the first Sunday his gums hurt real bad, so he couldn't talk for more than five minutes.

The second Sunday was no better and he managed to speak for just about ten minutes.

But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and found it impossible to shut up.