Really funny jokes-Best excuse

My colleague Jordan is overweight and all of us in the office have been pushing him since a very long time to shed his excess weight. So one day, Jordan decided to start dieting and he took his new resolution seriously. He even changed his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work with a box of doughnuts from the Peter Pan Bakery. Everybody scolded him, even the boss reprimanded him but Jordan was ready with his justification.

"These are very special doughnuts," declared Jordan. "I accidentally drove by the Peter Pan bakery this morning and could see a lot of goodies in the window. I thought this was no coincidence, there was certainly some divine intervention, so I prayed, 'Oh God, if you want me to have one of those yummy doughnuts, let me have a parking place right in front of the bakery.' And sure enough," he continued, "the seventh time around the block, there it was!"

Hilarious jokes-The violent intruder

John and his wife were sleeping when they heard some sounds coming from downstairs. They called 911 and reported that someone had probably broken into their house.

But before the cops could arrive, a nasty serial killer entered their bedroom. The intruder put a knife to the neck of John's wife and growled, "I always ask my victims their names before I murder them - so tell me your name?"

"Rosemary," the woman sobbed. The criminal said, "You remind me of my sister whose name was the same as yours, so I shall spare your life."

The criminal then turned to John and demanded his name.

Sweating profusely, he replied, "John.......but my friends call me Rosemary!"

Realization of becoming a Mother

My daughter Maureen, realized she had finally turned into a mother, due to the following observations:

- She developed a habit of automatically double-knotting everything she tied.

- She found herself humming the Barney song as she did the dishes.

- The moment she would hear a baby cry in the grocery store, she would start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth, even though the children were at school!

- She actually began to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

- She wept through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to her.

- She got so involved with crafts that she was considering writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

- She would spend an hour looking for her glares only to have her little kid comment, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

- She would be dining in a fine restaurant with her husband, when suddenly she would realize that she had reached over and started to cut up his steak!

Funny jokes-Parting with Name

A beautiful girl called Rita was driving around in her yellow sports car when she noticed in the rear-view mirror that a policeman on motorcycle was following her.

The policeman finally pulled her over, and holding a ticket ready, said to her, "Ma'am, do you realize you have crossed the speed limit. Give me your name please."

Rita, not the brightest of women, replied in an irritated tone, "That's just great......and what am I going to be called then?"

Hilarious jokes-Father's in a fight!

Little Tony runs down the street looking for a policeman. When he finds one sipping his coffee, he says to the officer, "Sir, can you please come with me to the bar. My father is involved in a big fight."

The policeman follows him the the bar and finds three men exchanging blows and fisticuffs.

The policeman turns to Little Tony and asks, "Now, which one is your father?"

Little Tony looks up at the cop and says, "I have no idea sir, that's what they're fighting about."

Off target

Jeremy, who joined the army, was considered slow by all his army colleagues. When he was taken to the indoor firing range for training, his trainer gave him some instructions, handed him a rifle and some bullets.

Jeremy fired several shots at the target and when the report arrived, it revealed that he had missed the target completely in all the attempts.

Jeremy looked at his rifle and then at the target. He looked again at the rifle, and then at the target. He put his finger over the end of the gun barrel and pressed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, and he shouted toward the target area: "It's starting from here just fine. The problem seems to be at your end!"

Funny jokes-Horrible accident

Did you hear about the horrible accident last evening involving a guy?

The guy was driving his pickup truck with his motorcycle in the back, when the truck lost control, ran off the road and plunged into the lake.

The guy died trying to get his motorcycle out of the back of the pickup. He drowned attempting to get the tailgate open.

Good jokes-Just one instance

Jim was getting drunk at a pub with his old chum, Bob. Having had a rum too many, Jim started complaining about his mother-in-law, how he found her disgusting, bossy, pompous, intrusive, and unbearable.

Suddenly, Jim leaned over and confessed that he had to give the old gal credit for one thing. There was one instance in his life when he would have cut his throat if it weren't for her.

Bob, surprised by the sudden change of heart, asked "Really? What happened?"

Jim said, "She was using my razor."

Differences in expressions

It's really entertaining to watch the differences in expressions on the faces of guys and girls when the word "facial" is spoken.

Hilarious jokes-What kind of pepper?

Monsieur Pierre was staying in a hotel in Mexico.

He called room service and said, "I need pepper."

The attendant asked, "Black pepper, or chilli pepper?"

Monsieur Pierre yelled, "Toilette pepper!"

Elevator jobs

Bubba, an electrical technician, was out of work.

His friend suggested he take up some elevator jobs in new constructions close by.

Bubba said, "Nope, I don't do elevator jobs."

"Why??" the friend asked.

Bubba replied, "I don't know the route."

The smart carpenter

Andy, a carpenter by profession, had witnessed an accident and was summoned to court to give evidence.

The defendant's lawyer tried to discredit him by asking several tricky questions. One of the questions was, "How far were you from the accident site?"

Andy replied, "Thirty one feet, three and a half inches."

The lawyer asked, "What???! How can you be so sure and precise about that distance?"

Andy said, "Well, I knew sooner or later someone stupid would ask me. So I measured it!"

A busy MBA student

Betty, who was pursuing her MBA in Finance at Harvard, had become too busy with her studies, classes, projects and part-time job.

She realized how long she had been out of touch with her parents when she received the following e-mail from her mother:

"Dear Betty, your father and I enjoyed your last e-mail. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Mom."

Funny jokes-Unique birthday gift

Joe, a billionaire, was in a dilemma. His wife's birthday was approaching and he didn't have a clue what to gift her. There was nothing that she didn't already have.

So, when he shared his problem with a friend, the friend suggested, "I have a great idea. You can prepare a certificate for her which declares she can have three hours of great love making, and in any manner she likes. She should be delighted!"

Joe followed his friend's advise. The next day, when Joe met his friend, his buddy asked, "So, did you take my advice? How did it go? Did you have fun?"

Joe replied, "Oh, she loved it. She was ecstatic, couldn't thank me enough - she kissed me, and ran out of the house, shouting, "I will be back in three hours!"