Heart beat

Rita: What can you do to increase the heart beat of my 65-year-old husband?

Anita:Tell him he looks handsome.

Dealing with unwanted calls

Tina says to her friend, Mick, "I am tired of these marketing calls and promotional offers that I keep getting on my cellphone."

Mick says, "You should follow my idea. Every time I get such a call, I answer 'This is the local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?'"

A very embarrassing moment

Jim and Clara had invited an old friend to their home for dinner.

When dessert was served to the guest, Clara apologized for not having any cheese to go with the apple pie.

Hearing this, their little son, Jack slipped down from his chair and disappeared, then returned in a minute with a small piece of cheese. He shyly placed on the guest’s plate.

“Thank you, young man,” said the guest as he popped the cheese in his mouth, “That must be the last piece you found. Where did you find it?”

Flushing with pride, little Jack answered, "Oh it was in the mousetrap."

Not that far!

Class teacher: “Children, we going to have a lesson on the sun tomorrow. Everyone must attend.”

One small boy: “Miss, I can’t.”

Teacher: “Why is that?”

The little boy: “I am sure my mother will not allow me to go that far without her.”

Skipping helps!

Tina and Carla are discussing weight loss.

Looking at her overweight friend, Tina comments, "You know the best way way to lose weight is by skipping..........................fried snacks and dessert."

Buzzer for the blind

Tina was walking down the street with her boyfriend. When the stoplight on the corner buzzed indicating it was safe to cross the street, while crossing the road she asked her boyfriend, "What is the buzzer for?"

Her boyfriend explained, "Well, it signals blind people when the light is red."

Horrified, she responded, "Why the heck would blind people drive??"

Grandpa's learnings

Grandpa's learnings

#*# I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

#*# I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

#*# I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

#*# I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

Praise the Almighty

Mrs. Smith, an old lady who lived in the countryside, had a peculiar habit. She would step onto her front porch every morning, raise her arms to the sky, and yell, "Praise the Almighty!"

Her new neighbor, Mr. Fowler who had just moved in, happened to be an atheist. Mr. Fowler didn't like Mrs. Smith's morning ritual. So, he would retaliate by stepping onto his front porch after her and shouting: "There's no Almighty!".

Time passed with the two of them carrying on the same way every day.

One morning, when it was bitter cold, Mrs. Smith stepped onto her front porch and yelled: "Praise the Almighty! I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Almighty!"

The next morning when she stepped out onto her porch, she saw a big bag of groceries lying there.

"Praise the Almighty!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"

Her atheist neighbor, Mr. Fowler jumped out of the bushes and shouted: "There is no Almighty. I bought those groceries!"

Mrs. Smith threw her arms into the air and shouted: "Praise the Almighty! He has provided groceries for me and made the Devil pay for it!!!"

Baby tomato

Tom: What did the father tomato ask the baby tomato to do while on a family jog?

Jerry : He asked the baby tomato to Ketchup.

One line jokes-Engineer

You have the right to call yourself an engineer if you can use coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

Really funny jokes-Leo's plans

Leo, a patient in a mental hospital was being interviewed by a reviewing committee to determine whether he could be released.

Leo was asked what he would do if they let him go. He answered, "I plan to make a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place."

He was not allowed to go.

A few months later, the committee was again considering Leo's release and again he was asked the same question. There was no change in his reply "I plan to make a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place."

Again, Leo was sent back to his confinement.

Leo happened to talk to another patient and told him his story. The other patient gave him a piece of advise. He said, "If you continue to give the same answer, you'll never get released. You need to tell them what they want to hear." With that, the other patient whispered something into Leo's ears.

Leo was now ready to be reviewed again.
So, in the third review meeting, Leo was asked again what he would do if he was allowed to go.

Leo was prepared this time. He said, "The first thing I'm going to do is find myself a job and a decent house to live" he said.

"Very good," a committee member commented. "and then what?"

"I want to meet a nice girl and start dating her." he replied.

The committee felt that Leo was making good progress. "And then what?" they asked.

"Well, when we have some privacy, I would like to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I will take her dress off, remove her bra, then gently slide her panties off her legs."

Now the committees were really getting excited. "Then what are you going to do?" they asked.

"Then," he replied, "I'm going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!"

In bunches

Tom : The bananas never seem to be lonely. Why?

Jerry: Don't you know they always come in bunches!

Some more reasons not to buy a Used Sofa

You may not want to buy a used sofa when you make any of the following observations:

1. There's a large red tag on it marked "Evidence".

2. The cushions begin crawling away.

3. The fabric on the back has been repaired with a "Rebel And Proud" bumper sticker.

4. The owner asks you to sign a waiver.

5. What you thought was powdered sugar from a doughnut appears to be moving.

6. It appears to have reached its present location by being dragged several miles on its side.

7. The owner appears to be scratching himself rather frequently.

8. The owner seems reluctant to actually sit on or touch it himself.

9. A tag on the back says "Property of Blessed Hope Mission".

10. It has its own nickname.

11. More than a dozen people know its nickname.

12. More than a hundred people know its nickname from a story in the local paper.

13. Someone appears to have constructed a drink holder on the armrest with a hacksaw, a torch, and a glue-gun.

14. There are mushrooms growing on the back.

15. It seems to generate its own heat.

16. Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes.

17. There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the cushions.

18. It growls when you sit on it.

19. It has a faint smell of ammonia.

20. Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a garden hoe, a flasher barricade, and the drop gate from a railroad crossing.

21. The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw.

22. There's a coin slot on the armrest.

23. There are labels in various spots that say "No Step".

24. The owner occasionally pauses to pick things off of it and taste them.

25. It appears to have been spray-painted its present color.

26. You hear scampering noises inside.

27. The owner offers to throw in a free:
+ can of Lysol
+ can of Raid
+ flyswatter
+ flea collar
+ ant trap
+ vial of penicillin

28. Under the cushions you find:
+ half a bottle of ketchup
+ empty shotgun shells
+ an entire squirrel skeleton
+ Jimmy Hoffa's wallet
+ a glass eye
+ ticket stubs from the 1939 World's Fair
+ used prophylactics
+ the muffler from a '72 Dodge

22 Reasons not to buy a used sofa

You do not want to buy a used sofa when the owner says:

1. "That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made."

2. "Have you had your shots?"

3. "If you find any fingers in there, pack 'em in ice and give us a call."

4. "It's almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions out."

5. "It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder surgery."

6. "It only smells this way when it's humid."

7. "You can have those Fritos."

8. "I once spent ten days tied to this couch."

9. "It's non-flammable, unless you really try."

10. "It should be clean, we hosed it off."

11. "Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars."

12. "It can even float for nearly an hour."

13. "You like the smell of beer, don't you?"

14. "It's not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard enough."

15. "I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then."

16. "It used to be a lot longer."

17. "You'll need the brick to keep it level, unless you've got a saw."

18. "AmVets and GoodWill wouldn't take it."

19. "Don't smoke near it."

20. "You can hardly tell where they hurled."

21. "The fire hardly touched this side."

22. "It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we found it by the highway."