Praise the Almighty

Mrs. Smith, an old lady who lived in the countryside, had a peculiar habit. She would step onto her front porch every morning, raise her arms to the sky, and yell, "Praise the Almighty!"

Her new neighbor, Mr. Fowler who had just moved in, happened to be an atheist. Mr. Fowler didn't like Mrs. Smith's morning ritual. So, he would retaliate by stepping onto his front porch after her and shouting: "There's no Almighty!".

Time passed with the two of them carrying on the same way every day.

One morning, when it was bitter cold, Mrs. Smith stepped onto her front porch and yelled: "Praise the Almighty! I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Almighty!"

The next morning when she stepped out onto her porch, she saw a big bag of groceries lying there.

"Praise the Almighty!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"

Her atheist neighbor, Mr. Fowler jumped out of the bushes and shouted: "There is no Almighty. I bought those groceries!"

Mrs. Smith threw her arms into the air and shouted: "Praise the Almighty! He has provided groceries for me and made the Devil pay for it!!!"

Baby tomato

Tom: What did the father tomato ask the baby tomato to do while on a family jog?

Jerry : He asked the baby tomato to Ketchup.

One line jokes-Engineer

You have the right to call yourself an engineer if you can use coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

Really funny jokes-Leo's plans

Leo, a patient in a mental hospital was being interviewed by a reviewing committee to determine whether he could be released.

Leo was asked what he would do if they let him go. He answered, "I plan to make a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place."

He was not allowed to go.

A few months later, the committee was again considering Leo's release and again he was asked the same question. There was no change in his reply "I plan to make a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place."

Again, Leo was sent back to his confinement.

Leo happened to talk to another patient and told him his story. The other patient gave him a piece of advise. He said, "If you continue to give the same answer, you'll never get released. You need to tell them what they want to hear." With that, the other patient whispered something into Leo's ears.

Leo was now ready to be reviewed again.
So, in the third review meeting, Leo was asked again what he would do if he was allowed to go.

Leo was prepared this time. He said, "The first thing I'm going to do is find myself a job and a decent house to live" he said.

"Very good," a committee member commented. "and then what?"

"I want to meet a nice girl and start dating her." he replied.

The committee felt that Leo was making good progress. "And then what?" they asked.

"Well, when we have some privacy, I would like to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I will take her dress off, remove her bra, then gently slide her panties off her legs."

Now the committees were really getting excited. "Then what are you going to do?" they asked.

"Then," he replied, "I'm going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!"

In bunches

Tom : The bananas never seem to be lonely. Why?

Jerry: Don't you know they always come in bunches!

Some more reasons not to buy a Used Sofa

You may not want to buy a used sofa when you make any of the following observations:

1. There's a large red tag on it marked "Evidence".

2. The cushions begin crawling away.

3. The fabric on the back has been repaired with a "Rebel And Proud" bumper sticker.

4. The owner asks you to sign a waiver.

5. What you thought was powdered sugar from a doughnut appears to be moving.

6. It appears to have reached its present location by being dragged several miles on its side.

7. The owner appears to be scratching himself rather frequently.

8. The owner seems reluctant to actually sit on or touch it himself.

9. A tag on the back says "Property of Blessed Hope Mission".

10. It has its own nickname.

11. More than a dozen people know its nickname.

12. More than a hundred people know its nickname from a story in the local paper.

13. Someone appears to have constructed a drink holder on the armrest with a hacksaw, a torch, and a glue-gun.

14. There are mushrooms growing on the back.

15. It seems to generate its own heat.

16. Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes.

17. There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the cushions.

18. It growls when you sit on it.

19. It has a faint smell of ammonia.

20. Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a garden hoe, a flasher barricade, and the drop gate from a railroad crossing.

21. The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw.

22. There's a coin slot on the armrest.

23. There are labels in various spots that say "No Step".

24. The owner occasionally pauses to pick things off of it and taste them.

25. It appears to have been spray-painted its present color.

26. You hear scampering noises inside.

27. The owner offers to throw in a free:
+ can of Lysol
+ can of Raid
+ flyswatter
+ flea collar
+ ant trap
+ vial of penicillin

28. Under the cushions you find:
+ half a bottle of ketchup
+ empty shotgun shells
+ an entire squirrel skeleton
+ Jimmy Hoffa's wallet
+ a glass eye
+ ticket stubs from the 1939 World's Fair
+ used prophylactics
+ the muffler from a '72 Dodge

22 Reasons not to buy a used sofa

You do not want to buy a used sofa when the owner says:

1. "That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made."

2. "Have you had your shots?"

3. "If you find any fingers in there, pack 'em in ice and give us a call."

4. "It's almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions out."

5. "It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder surgery."

6. "It only smells this way when it's humid."

7. "You can have those Fritos."

8. "I once spent ten days tied to this couch."

9. "It's non-flammable, unless you really try."

10. "It should be clean, we hosed it off."

11. "Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars."

12. "It can even float for nearly an hour."

13. "You like the smell of beer, don't you?"

14. "It's not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard enough."

15. "I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then."

16. "It used to be a lot longer."

17. "You'll need the brick to keep it level, unless you've got a saw."

18. "AmVets and GoodWill wouldn't take it."

19. "Don't smoke near it."

20. "You can hardly tell where they hurled."

21. "The fire hardly touched this side."

22. "It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we found it by the highway."

Funny conversation with Technical support

Customer: I get an "Access Denied" message every time I log in.

Tech Support: Did you type the Username and password correctly?

Customer: Yes I did.

Tech Support: Did you type in Capital letters?

Customer: Yes I did.

Tech Support: That's the problem. Now let's try once more, but use lower case letters.

Customer: But my keyboard has only capital letters. What should I do?

Kids jokes-Politics

An English teacher said in class, "Students, can anyone of you give me a sentence with politics in it."

Suzie raised her hand and answered, "My Cat Poly ate a clock, and now, polytics."

Hilarious jokes-An embarrassing moment

There was a dinner party at the Smith residence. While all the guests were were involved in animated conversation, Mr. and Mrs. Smith's two little children, Billy and Ana, entered the dinning room stark naked and walked slowly around the table.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued with their conversations as if nothing strange was happening.

After making a complete round of the room, the two kids left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, when little Billy said to little Ana, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”

Bicycle busting

Little Bobby always wanted to own a Hercules bicycle, so when his dad bought him one, Bobby was overjoyed. He spent most of his summer vacations riding his brand new bike, ringing the bicycle's bell and waving at all the jealous kids in the neighborhood. One day, some bullies in the locality stopped him, then drew a circle in the dirt road and told him, "Stay inside this circle. If you step out, you will get the thrashing of your life."

Then they picked up some iron rods and started hitting his new Hercules bicycle with the rods. When they were finished busting the bicycle, they looked back at Little Bobby and saw him smiling. They hit the bicycle some more, and he was still smiling. They walked up to him and asked, "Why the grin on your face? Don't you realize we smashed your new bike!"

Bobby said, "I know, but you never noticed I stepped out of the circle 12 times."

Funny jokes-A pill a day

Paul had been to the doctor's and when he returned home, his wife Rita noticed he looked depressed.

Rita asked, "Hey, what's the problem? What did the Doctor say?"

Paul answered, "Dr. Mathews told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."

Rita commented, "That's not a big deal. Lots of people take medicines every day of their lives."

Paul said in an irritated tone, "I know, I know....but he only gave me five pills!"

A potato's nationality

Two Indian potatoes were sitting on the chopping table of a fast food joint.

One potato said to the other, "I’m about to change my nationality."

"How will you do that?" the other potato asked.

The first potato replied, "By becoming French fries!"

Kids jokes-Father's income

The Mathematics teacher, Mrs. Simpson, had a question for Little Bernie. She asked, "Tell me Bernie, if your Father's income was $ 100 and he gave half of it to your mother, what would she get?"

Little Bernie was quick to answer, "A heart attack!"