Saturday, August 17, 2013

One line jokes-Economist

An economist is a person who doesn't know what he's talking about - and make you feel guilty about it.

Morning news at Training camp

In an army training camp, the drill sergeant made his morning announcement to the fresh recruits: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news to share with you. First, the good news- Private Brian will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

Hearing this, the platoon cheered, as Private Brian was overweight and very slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Brian will be driving a truck."

Friday, August 16, 2013

Hilarious jokes-Choice of Wine

Dennis is a rich playboy who often dates beautiful women. At a party, he meets a good looking brunette and soon they are lost in conversation. He takes her to his majestic bungalow and he soon finds out that she hails from a good family, is well groomed and is quite intelligent.

In order to impress her, Dennis shows off his collection of expensive paintings and sculptures, and offers her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Red or White wine and she answered,
"Oh, White wine by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a n amazing sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the dazzling liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. Red wine, on the other hand, makes me fart."

Short joke-Banana

Little Johnny: Tell me what made the banana go to the doctor?

Little Bobby: Did it have fever?

Little Johnny: No, it went cos it wasn’t peeling well!

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Keep it simple

Three cobblers arrived in a town to try their luck and opened shop in the same lane.

John, the first cobbler, put a notice outside his door, “The best cobbler in the city”.

Not to be outdone, the second cobbler, Danny, hung a bigger notice that said,“The best cobbler in the world.”

The third cobbler, Michael, was wondering what to do and how to beat the best cobbler in the city and the best cobbler in the world.

An idea struck him. The next morning, he found quite a few customers waiting when he opened his shop. The notice on his door simply said, “The best cobbler in the lane.”

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Sardar jokes-Buried at Sea

Well, there was this Sardar who wanted to be buried at sea after he died.

Guess what, four other Sardars drowned digging his grave.

Doctor jokes-Bird hunting

Three buddies, a General Practitioner, a physician and a Surgeon go shooting in the weekend. They see a flying bird and the General Practitioner says, "Looks like a Crane Hawk to me, but I am not sure."

The Physician says, "Well, it's wingspan seems to be that of a Crane Hawk, I am almost certain it is a Crane Hawk. But I couldn't exclude it being a Norther Goshawk.."

The Surgeon shoots the bird and waits for it to drop to the ground.

Holding the bird up, the Surgeon comments, "It was a Crane Hawk!"

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Cat's birthday

It was my cat, Toby's 3rd birthday and I was worrying about buying a birthday present for her.

My wife commented, "Why don't you look something up in the CAT-ALOGUE".

Really funny jokes-First parachute jump

Dean was trying his first parachute jump. The trainer said: “You count slowly up to ten, than pull the first cord. If it doesn’t open, you have the option of the second cord. That’s it. When you reach down a car will be there for you.”

Off Dean jumped, counted ten and pulled the cord. Nothing happened. Unmoved, he pulled the second cord. That too failed. Now in panic, as he went down he thought: “Just my luck, I know that car won’t be there either.”

Monday, August 12, 2013

Funny jokes-In the country

Rita, a city girl was on her way to Arizona. Midway through her car broke down. She was in a soup and didn’t know what to do. Out of the blue, an Indian came on his horse. He asked Rita if he could help. She told him it would help if he took her to the nearest town where she could find a mechanic. The Indian agreed and Rita climbed up and settled behind him on the horse. The ride was smooth but every now and then the Indian would exclaim: “Aaaaa……ha” and took a big sigh. This happened a few times.

Finally when they reached town, the rider found a mechanic and dropped her there. Rita narrated the incident to the mechanic. Surprised, the mechanic asked what Rita had done to the Indian.

Rita said: “I did nothing except sit behind him, put my hands around him and hold the saddle horn for support to steady myself.”

The mechanic said, “Ma'am, just for record, Indians don’t use saddles.”

Attacked!

Jeremy answers a knock at the door late one night. He opens the door to find a seven-foot tall centipede at the doorstep.

Without a warning, the centipede kicks him on the chest and walks away. The following night, he finds the same centipede back again at his front door. This time the centipede kicks him between the legs and runs away.

Jeremy is in pain and somehow manages to climb his bed and go to sleep.

He goes to see a doctor next morning. The doctor asks what happened and, Jeremy narrates the happenings of the previous 2 nights.

"Ah" says the doc. "There is a nasty bug going around."

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Really funny jokes-Birthday resolution

It's Joe's 65th birthday and he makes a resolution to get his body back into shape.

He gets his physician's approval to join a gym and takes up an aerobics class for the elderly.

He bends, twists, gyrates, hops and perspires for an hour. But, by the time Joe got his leotards on, he realized the class is over.

Funny jokes-Military life

William Jones joined the military but soon realized it's not going to be easy for him. He jumped every time he heard the phrase 'Fire at will'.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

The firecracker factory explosion

A firecracker factory is rocked by a huge explosion, and several people are injured. The injured are taken to the hospital, but not everyone survives.

An inquiry begins and several survivors are approached to make statements.

One such survivor, Sven, is asked by the investigator, "You were close to where the explosion happened, right? Tell me about it."

Sven replied, "Well, old Felix was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

The investigator is shocked. He says, "You sure he was smoking in the mixing room? How long had he been working for the company?"

Sven replied, "Yes. About 25 years, sir"

The investigator says, "He works 25 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."