Cat's birthday

It was my cat, Toby's 3rd birthday and I was worrying about buying a birthday present for her.

My wife commented, "Why don't you look something up in the CAT-ALOGUE".

Really funny jokes-First parachute jump

Dean was trying his first parachute jump. The trainer said: “You count slowly up to ten, than pull the first cord. If it doesn’t open, you have the option of the second cord. That’s it. When you reach down a car will be there for you.”

Off Dean jumped, counted ten and pulled the cord. Nothing happened. Unmoved, he pulled the second cord. That too failed. Now in panic, as he went down he thought: “Just my luck, I know that car won’t be there either.”

Funny jokes-In the country

Rita, a city girl was on her way to Arizona. Midway through her car broke down. She was in a soup and didn’t know what to do. Out of the blue, an Indian came on his horse. He asked Rita if he could help. She told him it would help if he took her to the nearest town where she could find a mechanic. The Indian agreed and Rita climbed up and settled behind him on the horse. The ride was smooth but every now and then the Indian would exclaim: “Aaaaa……ha” and took a big sigh. This happened a few times.

Finally when they reached town, the rider found a mechanic and dropped her there. Rita narrated the incident to the mechanic. Surprised, the mechanic asked what Rita had done to the Indian.

Rita said: “I did nothing except sit behind him, put my hands around him and hold the saddle horn for support to steady myself.”

The mechanic said, “Ma'am, just for record, Indians don’t use saddles.”

Attacked!

Jeremy answers a knock at the door late one night. He opens the door to find a seven-foot tall centipede at the doorstep.

Without a warning, the centipede kicks him on the chest and walks away. The following night, he finds the same centipede back again at his front door. This time the centipede kicks him between the legs and runs away.

Jeremy is in pain and somehow manages to climb his bed and go to sleep.

He goes to see a doctor next morning. The doctor asks what happened and, Jeremy narrates the happenings of the previous 2 nights.

"Ah" says the doc. "There is a nasty bug going around."

Really funny jokes-Birthday resolution

It's Joe's 65th birthday and he makes a resolution to get his body back into shape.

He gets his physician's approval to join a gym and takes up an aerobics class for the elderly.

He bends, twists, gyrates, hops and perspires for an hour. But, by the time Joe got his leotards on, he realized the class is over.

Funny jokes-Military life

William Jones joined the military but soon realized it's not going to be easy for him. He jumped every time he heard the phrase 'Fire at will'.

The firecracker factory explosion

A firecracker factory is rocked by a huge explosion, and several people are injured. The injured are taken to the hospital, but not everyone survives.

An inquiry begins and several survivors are approached to make statements.

One such survivor, Sven, is asked by the investigator, "You were close to where the explosion happened, right? Tell me about it."

Sven replied, "Well, old Felix was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

The investigator is shocked. He says, "You sure he was smoking in the mixing room? How long had he been working for the company?"

Sven replied, "Yes. About 25 years, sir"

The investigator says, "He works 25 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

Short humor jokes-Bank tellers

Tom: Do you know why bank tellers are advised not to ride motorcycles?

Jerry: Why is that?

Tom: Because they are likely to lose their balance.

Funny jokes-Diet plan

My wife is overweight and has taken up a diet plan. Though I try and avoid desserts myself, I could not resist an ice-cream I saw in the refrigerator on a Sunday evening.

My wife retorted, "You know what is the most difficult part of my diet plan? It is not watching what I eat, it's watching what you eat."

Three knots

Gordon, an old and retired sailor, had been feeling the urge to see a woman. So, putting on his coat, he headed for the house of ill-repute. He found a woman to satisfy his needs for the night. She took him up to her room, and Gordon was having a go at it as best as he could for a guy his age.
Suddenly, he stopped and asked, "How am I doing?"

The woman replied, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.

She replied, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"

Photographer with a dog

Mark the photographer has a dog with one leg missing. You know what he calls his dog?

Tripod.

Really funny jokes-A philosopher's dream

A philosopher once had the following dream.

First Aristotle appeared, and the philosopher said to him, "Could you give me a fifteen-minute capsule sketch of your entire philosophy?" To the philosopher's surprise, Aristotle gave him an excellent exposition in which he compressed an enormous amount of material into a mere fifteen minutes. But then the philosopher raised a certain objection which Aristotle couldn't answer. Confounded, Aristotle disappeared.

Then Plato appeared. The same thing happened again, and the philosophers' objection to Plato was the same as his objection to Aristotle. Plato also couldn't answer it and disappeared.

Then all the famous philosophers of history appeared one-by-one and our philosopher refuted every one with the same objection.

After the last philosopher vanished, our philosopher said to himself, "I know I'm asleep and dreaming all this. Yet I've found a universal refutation for all philosophical systems! Tomorrow when I wake up, I will probably have forgotten it, and the world will really miss something!" With an iron effort, the philosopher forced himself to wake up, rush over to his desk, and write down his universal refutation. Then he jumped back into bed with a sigh of relief.

The next morning when he awoke, he went over to the desk to see what he had written. It was, "That's what you say."

Grandfather's remark

Whenever I take my grandfather to an antique shop, I always get to hear him make the same remark, "Ohmigod, I've seen them before!"

Really funny jokes-Indecent exposure

Mary calls the police and informs them that her next door neighbor was indulging in indecent exposure.

When a cop arrived at her place, she told him, "This guy is taking a shower with the window wide open. You can see for yourself from my bedroom window."

Mary points toward the neighbors bathroom window.

The cop take s a good look and says, "Well, I can only see the top of his shampooed head."

Mary yells, "If you just put a chair on that dresser and stand on that, you will see the whole of him!"