Dreadful wrath

Old man Gary prays to god - "How can I escape that dreadful wrath of these old age wrinkles?"

A voice booms from the heavens: "Take off your glasses".

Strict daddy

Dean had a very hard day at office and when he returned home his five-year-old pestered him to play games. Finally it was bed time and Dean was real tired.

Dean said sternly to the boy: “Sonny, no more games. You change into your night suit, brush your teeth and go straight to bed.”

The little boy gave him a tight hug and whispered: “Dad, I learned about small kids in orphanages who don’t have their daddies.”

Dean was moved that the little kid appreciated having his father with him.

The little one again whispered: “Is it possible for you to go and be their dad?”

Short funny jokes-Snow caps

Jim: How do mountains bear the cold in December?

Tim : They keep warm with snow caps.

Mother's broom

On a pleasant evening, a small boy was playing in the backyard of his house with his mother’s broom. He pretended to be a witch flying on the broom. By the time he finished his play, it was quite dark.

Unable to locate the broom in its usual place, the boy’s mother asked the little one about it. The boy confessed that he had left it in the backyard. The mother asked him to fetch it immediately upon which the boy said it was quite dark in the backyard and he was scared to step out to get the broom.

The mother patted him kindly and said: “God is everywhere. He is out there too. So don’t be afraid and ask for his help.”

The boy went and opened the back door a crack and shouted: “Oh god, my mother says you are out there. Can you please bring me my mother’s broom please.”

Animal testing

John is a PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) member and is discussing animal welfare with his friend Ludwik.

John says, "Animal testing is such a cruel and bad practice."

Ludvick comments, "Yeah, they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."

A die-hard cyclist

You are a die-hard cyclist if:

# You learn someone had a crash and your first concern is "Hope the bike's okay."

# You sympathize with the roadkill.

# Biker chick does not mean leather, but spandex, and not Harley, but a Marinoni.

# You have spent more money on your bike clothes than the rest of your combined wardrobe.

# Wax is used on your chain, but not on your car.

# Your car's odometer has less miles compared to the miles your bike has covered.

# Your bike jerseys outnumber your dress shirts.

# You make it a practice to carry your bike along when you shop for a car - to ensure the bike will fit inside.

# You buy a mini-van and straight away remove the rear seats to allow your bikes to fit.

Free your mind

Adam, a Jewish rabbi was good friends with Daniel, a Catholic priest. They spent many a afternoon in the park, watching the ducks play in the pond. On one such outing, Daniel was eating a ham sandwich.

"You know," he said to his Jewish friend, "there's nothing as tasty as a ham sandwich. I know you're not allowed to eat ham, but why are you denying yourself this delicious treat. When will you free your mind and try it?"

Adam, the rabbi simply replied, "At your engagement."

No sleep walking!

It was bedtime for Little Ted and he insisted on taking his bicycle to bed with him.

His mother, a little surprised by the strange request, asked him why he wanted to do that.

Ted replied, "Mom, I don't want to walk in my sleep!"

One line jokes-Reached a point

Just when you thought your earnings have reached a point where ration prices don't matter, calories do.

The strange invitation

Lewis was tired of the city life and decided to take a sabbatical. He rented out a place in the remote countryside and moved in with his dog, wanting to enjoy the peace and the quiet. He would make fortnightly visits to the local grocery store for all that he needed for himself and his dog.

After four months of seclusion, he heard a knock on the door. When he opened it, he saw a funny-looking guy with a big mustache standing there. The guy said, "The name's Swen. I am your neighbor from six miles down the creek. I am having a party this weekend..thought you would like to join in."

"Sure," replied Lewis. "It's been long since I socialized with anyone, would love to meet the town folks. Thanks for the invitation."

Swen said, "Lemme warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem." said Lewis. "Guess I can handle that."

Swen warned, "And some fightin' too."

Lewis said, "I do manage to get along with people. No worries."

Swen was about to leave and then he turned again to say, "You can expect some wild love making too."

"I don't have a problem with that!" Lewis says. "I've been alone for a long time. I will certainly come. Thank you." Then adds, "By the way, what should I wear?"

Swen replies casually,"Anything you like. It's gonna be just the two of us, unless you want to bring your dog along."

Memory storage

My grandpa, 86 years of age, went to see the doctor and asked, "Is it normal at my age to have problems with short term memory storage?"

The doctor replied, "Mr. Asher, storing memory is not the problem, retrieving it is."

Won't let it happen again!

Sita's funeral was attended by family and a number of friends. When the funeral service ended, the pallbearers carried the coffin out. They accidentally banged the coffin into a wall and heard a faint moan coming from within the coffin. They opened the coffin and lo and behold, Sita was alive!

Eleven years later, Sita actually dies. The service is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony, the pallbearers again life the casket.

As they are taking a bend, Joe, the husband yells, "Mind the wall!"

Running in circles

John: I don't know why but my Dalmatian keeps running in circles.

Jose: I am sure he finds it difficult to run in rectangles!

Hilarious jokes-The wrestling match

There was this wrestling event between Russia and Britain. Before the match, the British wrestler's trainer gave him some advise. He said, "We have done a lot of research on the Russian and it is found that he is an expert with the 'pretzel' grip. Once he gets his grip, it is nearly impossible to beat him. Just don't let him get you in that grip. If he does, you are a goner."

The British wrestler acknowledged his understanding. The match commenced. Now, to the match: The Briton and the Russian went around in circles, both looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian pounced, capturing the Briton the dreaded pretzel grip!

A crowd went silent, and the trainer shut his eyes for he knew all was lost. He couldn't bear to watch the proceedings.

Suddenly there was a blood curdling scream, and a resounding cheer from the spectators. The trainer opened his eye just in time to see the Russian jumping up in the air. The Russian hit the floor with a thud, and the Briton weakly dropped on top of him, thus winning the match.

The trainer couldn't believe what was happening! He took the British wrestler aside, he asked, "How did you manage to get out of that hold? No one has escaped it before!"

The Briton answered, "I was about to give up when he got me in that grip, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I will give it a try, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit them just as hard as I could. You have no idea how strong you can get when you bite your own balls!"