Hilarious jokes-Writing a telegram

An owl went to send a telegram and wrote "Hoot Hoot, Hoot Hoot, Hoot Hoot."

The clerk looked at the form and said "You've only six words here, you can have three more for the same fee".

The owl looked at the clerk and said dismissively "But that wouldn't make any sense if I did that".

SMS jokes-Where are you?

Bf: Babe, What r u doing?

Gf: Nothing! Tired...just going 2 sleep now Honey! What about u Sweetheart?

Bf: In d Club, standing behind u.

Kick the habit

When my mother came to visit, she noticed I hadn't once lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."

"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."

Hilarious jokes-The Butcher Dance

Richard Attenborough has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."
"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"

"I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head Northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year."


"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.

Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.

They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon. "The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"

"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the moment himself. This is it. He now realises beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,
He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about"

Short funny jokes-Sumo wrestlers

Sandy: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

Mandy: So no one confuses them with feminists.

Funny jokes-Swimming competition

There was a swimming competition between a few girls one summer morning. The style decided was breast-stroke. The event started with the call five…….four…… three…… two…… one…….go.

All the girls reached the finish line more or less the same time except Marie. They all sportingly waited for Marie to arrive. It was almost forty minutes later that Marie reached the finish line. She was totally exhausted and on the verge of collapse. Other girls helped her asked what went wrong.

After regaining her breath Marie said: “My word, you all must have used your arms, otherwise how could you reach so fast? That’s cheating.”

Pythagorean theorem

A Native American chief has three wives living in three wigwams and one day he offers them new bed covers.

The first asks for a buffalo-skin hide as a cover, and this is duly delivered.

The second wife asks for a bear-skin hide and, although this is more dangerous to catch, one is eventually bought to her.

The third wife is the youngest and prettiest and she asks for a hippopotamus-skin hide as a bed cover.

This proves extremely difficult to find, but eventually she has her wish. Nine months later the first wife gives birth to a boy, the second wife gives birth to a girl, and the third wife has twins – a boy and a girl.

Which goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the squaw on the other two hides.

In PUN we believe!

Short funny jokes-Reunions

Tina is very fond of attending her class reunions, reason?

According to Tina, it is real fun and excitement to see all those old faces and new teeth.

Heaven and Hell

It was a Sunday and the preacher was addressing a mass in the church. During his sermon, the preacher broached the subject of Heaven and Hell, how good deeds allow you a place in Heaven and how bad deeds make you suffer in Hell. Finally done, the preacher commanded: “Raise your hands - those of you who want to go to heaven.”

Every one raised his hand except Dean and Martin. Father asked them: “What’s wrong with the two of you? Don’t you fancy heaven?”

Dean: “We do, we do. But we thought like you are taking us there right now and we are not ready yet.”

Very funny jokes-First Twitter Date

Brad: That was a great show. So.. did you want to come up to my place and check out my TweetDeck?

Betty: ummm... I don't think so.

Brad: Well then how about my Twhirl pool?

Betty: Look.. you’re a cute guy, but after seeing your Fail Whale this just isn’t going to work!

Really funny jokes-Don't want to go to Church

Irina went to wake up her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, "I'm not going!"

"Why not?" asked Irina.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me. Two, I don't like them."

Irina replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you're 47 years old. Two, you're the pastor!"

Really funny jokes-Car dents

POSH takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The garage man, knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides to play a joke on her.

"You don't need me to take those dents out," he says. "Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place."

So she takes the car home and tries it. David spots her from the house, opens a window and shouts: "You daft girl! You have to wind the windows up first!"

Office jokes-Meetings

Are you Lonely?
Don't like working on your own?
Hate making decisions?

Then call a MEETING!!

You can:-

SEE people,
DRAW flowcharts,
FEEL important,
IMPRESS your colleagues
(and all on company time)

MEETINGS....
The practical alternative to work!

Hilarious jokes-Health warning

Aramco Health Department

Large scale outbreak of Texanitus hits Saudi Arabia

During the last 30 years there have been occasional outbreaks of Texanitus, but this last one appears to have reached epidemic proportions. Consequently the Health Department consider it necessary to ease the panic that is sweeping the country by issuing this advice.

Texanitus can be divided into two forms:

Acute
Chronic

Acute Texanitus is the mild form of the disease and can usually be cured by a complete rest for 5 years with the Gorra Gorra Tribe in the Amazon rain forest. Children who catch acute Texanitus usually end up as chronic cases as the disease appears to be hereditary. Some children do seem to have a natural resistance but unfortunately they seem very rare.

Chronic sufferers can sometimes be recognized by large hats that they wear to hide their enormously swollen heads. Likewise others wear large boots or belt buckles to compensate for their thin legs and distended stomachs. Other symptoms include shouts of YIPEEEE or GODAMIT, which just shows how painful this disease can be in the terminal stages.

WARNING :

Never corner chronic sufferers in a confined space and ask them questions, as most sufferers tend to spray rumours in all directions. Whether this bull is contagious we not yet know, so take precautions.

As a safeguard we are giving anti Texanitus shots to anyone that wants one, so if you are worried go along to your nearest clinic and get one.

Yours truly

Mustaffa Phart

Aramco Surgeon General