Short funny jokes-David Becham and Ferero Roche

Q. What have David Becham and Ferero Roche got in common?

A. They both come in posh boxes!

Really funny jokes-Life in prison vs. Life in office

A comparison of life in prison vs. a full time job

In prison, they spend the majority of their time in a 8' x 10' cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' cubicle.

In prison, they get three meals a day.
At work, I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.

In prison, you get time off for good behavior.
At work, I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison, they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn on to the clothes.
At work, I must wear an ID badge at all times.

In prison, there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work, there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes.

In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.
At work, I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself.

In prison, they can watch TV and play games.
At work, I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison, they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it.
At work, they will pay for my education, but I must do it on my own time.

In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want.
At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.

In prison, I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my action.
At work, if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next bullet list.

In prison, they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
At work, you are just ball and chained.

In prison, you have full free medical coverage .
At work, you get partial coverage and your BUPA payments are deducted

In prison, all expenses are paid by the tax payer.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

Funny jokes-Senior management

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Senior Manager ID badge and a dull grey suit.

"Well" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Senior Manager."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

POOF The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

POOF The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

POOF He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?
If a Senior Manager offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Really funny jokes-Directions to City hospital

A lady standing in the middle of a busy street asked a traffic constable: “Can you guide me how to go to the city hospital?”

Constable: “Lady, just keep standing here and you will be there in no time.”

Hilarious jokes-Three legionnaires

There were three legionnaires walking through the desert under a baking sun. They were fully equipped with enough water for days, and had food aplenty. On the shimmering horizon mirages came and went and came again, visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens, stalls full of ice-cream, sorbets, freshly-whipped smoothies of every conceivable flavour. But all to no avail, as the legionnaires did not crack, but kept marching solidly on. Suddenly one of them froze, "Psssst" said he. His companions halted, and strained their eyes to where the first legionnaire was pointing.

"Le voila", said he, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon?"

And sure enough, there it stood, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they crept forward towards the mystery object far off, inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they were within a stone's throw of the bacon tree. Even nearer they crept, and suddenly, a shot rang out, dropping one of the legionnaires in his tracks.

The other legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thudded into the sand around them. The other two returned fire, and gave first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandaged him, and poured water over his face, they could hear his faint voice:
"Zat was no bacon tree," he gasped, "Zat was an 'ham bush."

Funny jokes-Married a gorilla

Two explorers are at their London club. One says to the other, ‘Did you hear about Old Chumley? On his last expedition to Africa he married a gorilla!’

‘Good God,’ says the other. ‘That’s a bit queer.’

‘Oh no,’ replies the first explorer. ‘It was a female gorilla.’

Really funny jokes-Maths class

The math teacher saw that Daphne wasn't paying attention in class. She called on her and said, 'Daphne! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Daphne quickly replied, 'ABC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!'

Hilarious jokes-Mother of Six

Peter had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife, Sara, "Mother of Six," in spite of her regular objections.

One evening, in their retirement years, they go to a party. It is late and Peter is ready to go home and wants to find out if Sara is ready to leave as well.

Pater bellows at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home, Mother of Six?'

Sara, greatly irritated by Pater's lack of discretion over so many years, yells back at him, 'Anytime you're ready, "Father of Four".'

Short funny jokes-Cinderella's photos

What did Cinderella say while she was waiting for her photos?

Some day my prints will come.

Really funny jokes-Drink Whisky

Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.

She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one.

"Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by loose women all the way to America than
drink whisky!"

Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"

Funny jokes-Mountain climbing

Hans and Fritz went mountain climbing with their mother. She slipped and fell a thousand feet and Fritz hollered, ‘Look, Hans! No ma!’

Animal jokes-So lazy

My dog is so lazy he won’t even bark, he just waits for another dog to bark, then nods.

Hilarious jokes-Rhubarb

A little boy goes up to Old Tom the gardener and says, ‘What do you put on your rhubarb?’

‘Well, usually rotted horse manure,’ replies Old Ned.

‘We have custard.’ says the little boy.

Funny jokes-The new tribe

An explorer is telling his friends about a new tribe he’s discovered in Africa – the Fukawe.

‘They’re pygmies,’ explains the explorer. ‘But unlike most pygmies, who live in the forests, these fellows live in the tall grasses of the plains.’

‘And what does the name of the tribe mean?’ asks one of his friends.

‘I’m not sure,’ replies the explorer. ‘But when I found them wandering through the six-foot grass virtually the first thing they said to me was, “We’re the Fukawe.”’