Short funny jokes-Whiskey diet

I'm on a whiskey diet.
I've lost three days already.

Valentine's Day joke-No sound

On their first date on Valentine's Day, Harry and Gina sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema’s concession stand. Harry and Gina realized that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued.

Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted, "Okay, who's got the remote control?"

Valentine's Day joke-Strict attention

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Hilarious jokes-Angry Birds application

A man in Maryland says a flashlight on his iPhone helped save his life after he got lost during a hike. If you think that's cool, this morning the "Angry Birds" app on my iPhone helped save me from three awkward conversations in the elevator.

Clean jokes-Two brothers

Two brothers, Rob and Bob, found themselves a job on a ship.
Rob had really large eyes and Bob had huge ears.

The captain of the ship asked them, "What can you do?"

"Well, I can be a lookout," said Rob, the fellow with the large eyes.

"What will he do?" asked the captain.

"Well, he's my brother, Can't leave him alone. He'll come with me." replied Rob

The captain agreed and said, "All right you can be lookout and take him with you to the crow's nest and keep him out of my face!"

They had been at sea for a fortnight when the whistle from the crow's nest sounded in the wheelhouse!
"Ship bearing port 10."

The captain looked at the radar, not an echo on the scope. "Are you sure?" he asked.

"Positive," replied Rob, "and what's more, its Chinese."

"How do you know that?" the captain asked.

Rob replied, "My brother Bob can hear them talking!"

Really funny jokes-Confronted

Two deliverymen were taking a large refrigerator to a local priest's home. With difficulty they had managed to get the fridge onto the porch, but struggled for over 20 minutes to make the 90-degree turn through the narrow door.

The priest, seeing their difficulty, asked what they usually did when confronted with such a situation.

Rubbing some badly skinned knuckles, one deliveryman replied, "Well, Father, at this point we usually start cursing."

"Well, gentlemen," the priest replied, "allow me time to move out of earshot so you can continue your work."

Funny jokes-Reasons for Divorce

Reasons for Divorce

A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2."

A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."

A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house."

A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate."

A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission."

Short funny jokes-Old divorced couple

A 93-year-old man filed for divorce from his 90-year-old wife, making them one of the world's oldest divorced couple. 

The divorce lawyer found it strange fighting for the couple's kids to get custody of the old couple.

Kids jokes-Turn seven

I asked my neighbor's kid when he would turn seven.

Pat came the reply, "When I'm tired of being six."

Really funny jokes-Crime scene

Two cops rush to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

"What happened?" asks the first cop.

"Male, about thirty, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Oh my God," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigarette, "this is the work of a cereal killer."

Clean jokes-The things that drive a sane person mad

The Things That Drive A Sane Person Mad

* You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

* The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

* The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

* There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

* You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

* There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

* You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

* Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

* A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

* There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

* You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

* The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

* A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces).

* You set the alarm on your digital clock for 6 pm instead of 6 am.

* The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

* You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

* People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

* Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

* You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

* You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

* You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

* You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Good jokes-Wife's opinion

When a married man says, 'I'll think about it'.....

What he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

Halloween Lessons from the Movie Theater

Halloween Lessons from the Movie Theater, in the order of drastic consequences. Please follow them!

17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.

16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!

10. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

9. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.

8. Do not take anything from the dead.

7. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

2. If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!

A husband

Ken, joking to his friend over a round of drinks, "Do you know why every woman needs a husband?"

Bud, "Why?"

Ken, "After all you can’t blame the government for every mistake."