Signs you Smoke too much

Top 10 Signs you Smoke too much

10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break."

9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.

8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bringdown."

7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.

6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap.

5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying. "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts...".

4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.

3. You smoke during making out.

2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys."

1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung.

Short funny jokes-Raw cookie dough

The USFDA (U.S. Food and Drug Administration warned people not to eat raw cookie dough last Christmas. Is that how fat we're getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now?

Funny jokes-Baby pigeon

Dovey, the baby pigeon was nervous about flying long distance with its mother and grumbled, 'I don't think I can make it, it will be too tiring for me.'

Mama pigeon tried to pacify Dovey and said, 'You have nothing to worry about. I'll tie a piece of thread to one of your legs and the other end to mine.'

On hearing this, Dovey began to cry.

'Why are you crying baby?' asked the worried mother.

Dovey replied, 'You don't want me to be pigeon towed, do you?'

Hilarious jokes-If there were Computers in 1776

If there were Computers in 1776

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential that we complete this declaration of independence.

Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.

Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?

Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication problems.

Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy.

Mr. Sherman: Thanks. Saaaaay, nice font.

Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week.

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out.

Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.stinks last night.

Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^$# General Protection Fault!

Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that problem for me.

Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text?

Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've spilled candle wax on my keyboard again.

Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd buy an active-matrix screen.

Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!

Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My spell checker recommends "unassailable".

Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?

Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't compatible.

Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the floppy drive buzzes? OK, I'll hold.....

Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in 72 point Helvetica?

Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can't save the file.

Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my quill pen....

Really funny jokes-After 15 years in Prison

Two women were sentenced to fifteen years in jail for their respective crimes. They shared the same cell. After completion of their sentence they were released on the same day.

After their exit, they bid good bye to each other and said: “OK, rest we will talk on phone.”

Funny jokes-Lazy manager

A lazy manager of a firm in his forties was advised by his doctor to play some sport, preferably tennis for some exercise. So he took up tennis. A month later his secretary asked: “Well sir, how is it going?”

Manager: "I am doing fine. On the court when I see a ball coming to me at speed, my brain instantly reacts and says: ‘To the net or smash or take the corner’ like that. I don’t believe it. "

Secretary: “Then what happens?”

Manager: “Then my body reacts and says ‘Who? Me? You must be joking.”

Really funny jokes-Welfare Applications

Welfare Applications

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.


* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

* I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

* Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

* I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

* I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

* This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

* Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

* I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

* In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

* My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

* Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

* You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

* I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

* I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

* In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Funny jokes-Official endorsement

On a pleasantly cold day a few friends gathered around a table to enjoy a few rounds of rum. After several pegs the discussion turned around to the existence of God. The group automatically parted in two - atheists and believers - and the arguments got fierce. Our friend William was a staunch atheist and insisted that God doesn’t exist. In a fit of drunken stupor, William wrote a letter to God, put it in an envelope and addressed it: “To, The God Almighty, Omnipresent.” and asked his opponent to post it. By next morning everything was forgotten.

Out of the blue, after a month the same letter was returned with remarks: “Address not found.”

He gathered the same group the same evening and proudly displayed the envelope: “Look, this is official now with government endorsement.”

Clean jokes-Toothache

Laura and Nancy were chatting at the coffee-shop.

Laura: "I had a toothache, so I went to the dentist this morning."

Nancy: "Does your tooth still hurt?"

Laura: "I have no idea - the dentist kept it."

Hilarious jokes-Submarine School

The new Ensign was trying to impress everybody with what he'd learned in Submarine School when the Master Chief cut him off.

"Listen, Sir, it's simple," he said. "Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Then divide by two. If it doesn't come out even, DON'T OPEN THE HATCH!"

Kids jokes-Candies for Valentine's Day

Four-year-old Joe loved candy almost as much as his mom Linda did. He, along with his Dad had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day.

A few days later Joe was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, his mom said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?"

"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."

Clean jokes-A dog's tale

Lawrence noticed this board on the gate of a house. “Talking dog for sale”

Intrigued, he knocked the door to inquire. The owner took Lawrence to the back of the house where a dog was casually sitting on the ground and left them alone.

Lawrence: “Is it true?”

Dog: “Sure.”

Lawrence: “So what’s behind all this? And why does he want to sell you?”

Dog: “I was born with this gift. My previous owner sold me to CBI and I helped them uncover biggest secrets because they let me loose on the job and nobody suspected that a dog could eves drop. But they made me travel a lot. So I left them and got myself employed with a minister who did not know my virtue. I discovered many scandals by this minister and informed the government. They gave me many awards for my services. I have aged now and finally I am leading a peaceful life with my family.”

Lawrence went back to the owner and asked the price. The owner said twelve dollars.

Lawrence paid the price without hesitation and asked: “This is a marvelous dog with amazing talent. Why do you want to get rid of him?”

Owner: “The SOB never speaks the truth, he always tells lies.”

Football jokes-Buffalo Bills

Q: What's the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?

A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

Really funny jokes-The obvious choice

A few people died on a certain day which God had decided to celebrate and to give the celebration some legitimacy, He decided to call it His birthday. Among the dead, were a husband and wife who were considered an ideal pair and ‘made-for-each–other’ on earth. God made this announcement: “All ye mortals of earth, all are sinners so there is no place for you in heaven. However, today being my birth day, I will give you a little choice. Either you go to hell or you go back to earth for five more years. Each individual will make his or her choice. Please stand in queue. My assistant will take down your choice and do the needful.”

There was big queue. The couple stood together and the wife said: “Wow Mike, like on earth we will stick together and make the same choice and be happy for five more years, what bliss.”

Mike: “Sure honey, you stand here and I am right behind you.”

The first person opted for five years on earth and woooooosh vanished immediately. The line progressed and everybody made the obvious choice. After awhile it was the wife’s turn.

The Assistant asked: “Your choice?” The wife turned, looked at her husband with a twinkle in her eyes and replied “Five years on earth.” She vanished. Now it was Mike’s turn.

Assistant: “Your choice?”

Mike: “Hell and pronto.”