Really funny jokes-Welfare Applications

Welfare Applications

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.


* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

* I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

* Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

* I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

* I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

* This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

* Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

* I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

* In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

* My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

* Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

* You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

* I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

* I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

* In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Funny jokes-Official endorsement

On a pleasantly cold day a few friends gathered around a table to enjoy a few rounds of rum. After several pegs the discussion turned around to the existence of God. The group automatically parted in two - atheists and believers - and the arguments got fierce. Our friend William was a staunch atheist and insisted that God doesn’t exist. In a fit of drunken stupor, William wrote a letter to God, put it in an envelope and addressed it: “To, The God Almighty, Omnipresent.” and asked his opponent to post it. By next morning everything was forgotten.

Out of the blue, after a month the same letter was returned with remarks: “Address not found.”

He gathered the same group the same evening and proudly displayed the envelope: “Look, this is official now with government endorsement.”

Clean jokes-Toothache

Laura and Nancy were chatting at the coffee-shop.

Laura: "I had a toothache, so I went to the dentist this morning."

Nancy: "Does your tooth still hurt?"

Laura: "I have no idea - the dentist kept it."

Hilarious jokes-Submarine School

The new Ensign was trying to impress everybody with what he'd learned in Submarine School when the Master Chief cut him off.

"Listen, Sir, it's simple," he said. "Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Then divide by two. If it doesn't come out even, DON'T OPEN THE HATCH!"

Kids jokes-Candies for Valentine's Day

Four-year-old Joe loved candy almost as much as his mom Linda did. He, along with his Dad had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day.

A few days later Joe was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, his mom said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?"

"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."

Clean jokes-A dog's tale

Lawrence noticed this board on the gate of a house. “Talking dog for sale”

Intrigued, he knocked the door to inquire. The owner took Lawrence to the back of the house where a dog was casually sitting on the ground and left them alone.

Lawrence: “Is it true?”

Dog: “Sure.”

Lawrence: “So what’s behind all this? And why does he want to sell you?”

Dog: “I was born with this gift. My previous owner sold me to CBI and I helped them uncover biggest secrets because they let me loose on the job and nobody suspected that a dog could eves drop. But they made me travel a lot. So I left them and got myself employed with a minister who did not know my virtue. I discovered many scandals by this minister and informed the government. They gave me many awards for my services. I have aged now and finally I am leading a peaceful life with my family.”

Lawrence went back to the owner and asked the price. The owner said twelve dollars.

Lawrence paid the price without hesitation and asked: “This is a marvelous dog with amazing talent. Why do you want to get rid of him?”

Owner: “The SOB never speaks the truth, he always tells lies.”

Football jokes-Buffalo Bills

Q: What's the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?

A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

Really funny jokes-The obvious choice

A few people died on a certain day which God had decided to celebrate and to give the celebration some legitimacy, He decided to call it His birthday. Among the dead, were a husband and wife who were considered an ideal pair and ‘made-for-each–other’ on earth. God made this announcement: “All ye mortals of earth, all are sinners so there is no place for you in heaven. However, today being my birth day, I will give you a little choice. Either you go to hell or you go back to earth for five more years. Each individual will make his or her choice. Please stand in queue. My assistant will take down your choice and do the needful.”

There was big queue. The couple stood together and the wife said: “Wow Mike, like on earth we will stick together and make the same choice and be happy for five more years, what bliss.”

Mike: “Sure honey, you stand here and I am right behind you.”

The first person opted for five years on earth and woooooosh vanished immediately. The line progressed and everybody made the obvious choice. After awhile it was the wife’s turn.

The Assistant asked: “Your choice?” The wife turned, looked at her husband with a twinkle in her eyes and replied “Five years on earth.” She vanished. Now it was Mike’s turn.

Assistant: “Your choice?”

Mike: “Hell and pronto.”

Short funny jokes-Franglais Phrases

Franglais (French and English) Phrases

Coup de grace - A lawn mower.
La deviation pour chauffeur de camion - My driver likes camels.

Moi aussi - I am an Australian.
Pas de deux? - Father of twins?
Mange tout - You're pretty mangy yourself.

Pain prune - I cut myself with the secateurs.
Chaussee deformer? - Are you a contortionist?

Parke le char - My tea is cold.
Suivez la piste - Never mind, follow that drunk!

You might be a Schoolteacher if

You might be a Schoolteacher if...

you have no time for a life from August to June.

you want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"

when out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

you refer to adults as "boys and girls."

you encourage your spouse by telling them they are a "good helper."

you've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.

meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

you believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.

you know hundred good reasons for being late.

you don't want children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.

One line jokes-When things go wrong

The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.

Adult jokes-Impotency clinic

Q: Why does everyone want to work at the impotency clinic?

A: It's a soft job.

Funny jokes-Secret to good health

Brittany and Lisa were discussing their busy schedules.

Lisa said, "Brittany, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know what's your secret?"

"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."

"You wake up at six o'clock?"

"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."

Good jokes-Chemistry formula

Chemistry formula

Teacher : What happens when Carbon Monoxide reacts with 2 Molecules of Iron??

Student : COFFEE !!

Teacher : How ?

Student : CO + 2Fe = COFFEE !!