Funny jokes-Signs You are Addicted to the Internet

Signs You are Addicted to the Internet

* You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.

* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.

* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

* All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...

* And even your night dreams are in HTML.

French jokes

Which ghost was president of France?
Charles de Ghoul'

What is the Guillotine?
A French chopping centre.

Really funny jokes-Obama at the Bank

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America !!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque"

Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

Lawyer jokes-Contingent fee

When asked, "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."

Animal jokes-Warm in winter

How do sheep keep warm in winter ?

Central bleating !

Really funny jokes-Baseball fan

There was this man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the Baseball World Series final. He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was way up there. He couldn't see the game, so he began looking around.

Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there. He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was seating there.

The man replied, 'No.' So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation.

'Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?'

The man answers, 'Oh, that was my wife's seat.'

'Where is she?' the guy replied.

'She died.'

'Oh, I'm sorry ... don't you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or friend?'

'No, they couldn't come.'

'Why?'

'Because they are at her funeral.'

Good jokes-The borrowing neighbour

Every time, Peter, the man next door headed toward Paul's house, Paul knew he was coming to borrow something, he was always doing so and it was driving him nuts.

"Peter won't get away with it this time," muttered Paul to Liz, his wife, "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your hedge trimmer this morning?" asked Paul the neighbour.

"Crikey, I'm terribly sorry," said Paul with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," smiled Peter, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?

Short funny jokes-Hurricanes and tornadoes

Why do hurricanes travel so fast?
Because if they travelled slowly, we'd have to call them slow-i-canes.

What is a tornado ?
Mother nature doing the twist !

Really funny jokes-Welcoming the neighbour

Archie, a successful business man becomes fed up with all the stress of big city life and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and buys a large ranch in the middle of the outback, just north of Barossa Valley in South Australia.

After a couple of months of enjoying the quietness and solitude he hears the drumming of hoofs outside his home. Seizing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse, "G’day neighbour, hold it right there.”

The rider says, "I'm your neighbour, I have a ranch only 20 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting..… we'll have a great time."

Not wanting to be unfriendly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?"

"Blimey, mate, it don't matter," replied the neighbour, "There’s only gonna be the two of us."

Obama jokes-Smart daughters

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.”
–Jay Leno

One line jokes-Meetings

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

Really funny jokes-Ski Season Training

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

1. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

2. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

3. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

4. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

5. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

6. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

7. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

8. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

9. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

10. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

11. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

12. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

13. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

14. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

15. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

16. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

Hilarious jokes-Raising rabbits

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook, Jean Luc, decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.

Jean Luc searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found.

Finally, an old priest, Father Pierre, at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. Jean Luc successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them.

One restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. Jean Luc replied with a smile, 'I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.'

Short funny jokes-I'm beside myself

People who say, "I'm beside myself," are often mistaken; with the notable exception of time travellers and Siamese twins.