Pun-Catch up

I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Bank robbery-Funny joke

There was a bank robbery and the Chief of Police ordered the sergeant to cover all exit points so that none of the robbers could get away.

When the Sergent reported to the Chief that all the robbers had escaped, the Chief went mad with anger & shouted, "Didn't I tell you to cover all the exit points??"

"I did," defended the sergeant, "but they managed to escape through the entrance."

Indian Premier League

A man enters a pub with his dog. The Indian Premier League Cricket match is on between the Mumbai Indians & the Delhi Daredevils. He settles himself & asks the bartender how the star performer Sachin Tendulkar is doing. The bartender says Sachin hit a half century. The dog jumps up, and runs around the bar-stool 50 times.

After another half an hour, the bartender reports that Sachin hit a century. The dog reacts by jumping up again and running around the bar-stool a hundred times.

The bartender is amazed & says, "That dog of yours is something! What does he do if Sachin Tendulkar's team wins?

"I don't know", says the man, "I've only had him for 3 years!"

Smartness

Smartness is like your knickers. It is important to have it, but not essential to show it off!

Green vegetables

Sandy said to his friend Ron, 'My wife sent me to the greengrocer's to buy some green vegetables."

'So were you able to find some?" asked Ron.

'Well, when I reached the shop, I asked the manager, 'My wife wants some green vegetables. Have they been sprayed with any harmful chemicals?''

Sandy continued, 'The shopkeeper told me, 'No, why don't you do it yourself.'

Really funny jokes-Hunting Statisticians

There were three statisticians who went out for hunting together. They saw a deer and immediately the first statistician fired, but missed, by an inch to the left. The second statistician fired, and he too missed, by an inch to the right. The third statistician did not fire, but declared enthusiastically, "On an average, we made it!"

Statistics joke-One in a million

My statistical view of the Chinese is that even if you are someone who is a one in a billion, there will still be a million more just like you.

Puns-Not of concern

Are things that do not concern an elephant irrelephant?

Hilarious jokes-Things not to say to a cop

Top 10 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Clean jokes-Choke

Bob and Robbie were riding their snow bikes across the lake. All of a sudden Bob broke through the ice and sank with his bike.

Robbie went to the edge of the ice hole and saw Bob desperately pulling the starting rope.

Robbie shouted: “Hey Bob, open the choke and then pull.

Really funny jokes-Oh No!

The shy, young man is thinking about asking his girl to marry him, but he doesn't know how to say it, so he asks his father, "Dad, what did you say to mum so she married you?"

"I only said 'OH NO!!!' and then we got married the next day."

Funny jokes-Pencil

Rob and Bill both went to work for a lumber mill. They both worked on the band saw. One day while working and talking to Bill, Rob bent too close to saw and the blade sliced one of his ears off. Bill immediately picked up the sliced ear with intention of being helpful to Rob.

He said: “Rob, don’t panic. See I have your ear here. It may be possible for the doctor to sew it back.”

Rob: “You fool, that’s not mine. My ear had a pencil behind it.”

Good jokes-Difference between Heaven and Hell

In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

Short funny jokes-Pit bull and hockey mom

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom?

A: One nurtures its children, the other sends them out to play on a frozen lake.