Puns-Not of concern

Are things that do not concern an elephant irrelephant?

Hilarious jokes-Things not to say to a cop

Top 10 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Clean jokes-Choke

Bob and Robbie were riding their snow bikes across the lake. All of a sudden Bob broke through the ice and sank with his bike.

Robbie went to the edge of the ice hole and saw Bob desperately pulling the starting rope.

Robbie shouted: “Hey Bob, open the choke and then pull.

Really funny jokes-Oh No!

The shy, young man is thinking about asking his girl to marry him, but he doesn't know how to say it, so he asks his father, "Dad, what did you say to mum so she married you?"

"I only said 'OH NO!!!' and then we got married the next day."

Funny jokes-Pencil

Rob and Bill both went to work for a lumber mill. They both worked on the band saw. One day while working and talking to Bill, Rob bent too close to saw and the blade sliced one of his ears off. Bill immediately picked up the sliced ear with intention of being helpful to Rob.

He said: “Rob, don’t panic. See I have your ear here. It may be possible for the doctor to sew it back.”

Rob: “You fool, that’s not mine. My ear had a pencil behind it.”

Good jokes-Difference between Heaven and Hell

In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

Short funny jokes-Pit bull and hockey mom

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom?

A: One nurtures its children, the other sends them out to play on a frozen lake.

Obama jokes-Hip hop fan

In an interview, President Obama said he prefers Jay-Z to Kanye. Did you know Obama was a fan of hip-hop? In fact, he has his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficit.

Really funny jokes-Three pregnant women chatting

Three pregnant women were knitting sweaters for their soon-to-arrive babies, and chatting.

The first one said to the others, "I'm taking folic acid, so my baby will be healthy and have a robust immune system."

The second said, "Oh, I'm taking lots of calcium so my baby will be strong and grow tall."

The third said, "I'm taking Thalidomide."

The others reacted, of course, with horror. "Thalidomide! Why would you take that?"

"Because I don't know how to knit sleeves."

Light bulb jokes-How many cops

How many cops does it take to change light bulb?

Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

Only one, but he has to see an officer do it first.

Three, one to do it, one to direct traffic and one to say "Show's over, nothing left to see here, folks, move along."

Funny jokes-How cops do it

How cops do it...

Cops do it by the book.
Cops do it with handcuffs.
Detectives do it under cover.
Policemen do it without a break for 12 hours.

Funny jokes-Obnoxious kid

In London there's a new service that delivers the morning-after pill to your home by bicycle messenger. And to make sure you don't regret your decision, the pills will be delivered by a kid who is an obnoxious jerk.

Hilarious jokes-Philosophy of Life

A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came out, he went into the street and met an old colleague, who asked him where in heaven's name he had been all those years.

"In a closet," he replied. "I wanted to know what life really is."

"And have you found an answer?"

"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge."

"That's all well and good," replied the colleague, "but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?"

"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right; perhaps life is not like a bridge."

Funny jokes-Toughest flight of stairs

Dean and Martin, both completely drunk, were going home one late night walking on railway tracks.

Dean: “This is the toughest flight of stairs I have ever taken.”

Martin: “Yeah, even the railings are so low.”