Yo Mama jokes-M&M

Yo momma is so stupid. She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

Insurance jokes-Actuary and the Farmer

An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1248 sheep out there."

The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?"

The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four."

Funny jokes-The Laws of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" or else invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

Hilarious jokes-What not to put on a resume

These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume.

-- "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

-- "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

-- "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

-- "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

-- "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

-- "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

-- "I am a rabid typist."

-- "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

-- "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

-- "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

-- "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

-- "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

-- "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

-- "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

-- "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."

-- "Qualifications: No education or experience."

-- "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

-- Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Really funny jokes-Statistician's theory

A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was 1 in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds. One day a colleague met him at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"

"No, I flew"

"What about your theory on the possibility of a bomb?"

"Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of TWO bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So, now I bring my own bomb along!"

One line jokes-Middle age

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Funny jokes-Behaving oddly

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

Animal jokes-So fast

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

Really funny jokes-Water the lawn

Will - Why do you water your lawn with whisky?

Guy - So that it comes up half-cut.

Doctor jokes-Huge heart

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

Funny jokes-Baby powder

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,

"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unnoticed.

The next morning the husband took a pair of his underwear out of his drawer.

"What the heck is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "Maria!," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put baby powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a giggle..."It's not baby powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'!"

Really funny jokes-At the old folks home

An elderly couple were sitting in the old folks home when the bloke turns to the woman next to him and says, "How about a bit of nookie?" The woman agrees and they go along to his room.

After the act is done the guy turns to the woman and says, "If I had known you were still a virgin I would have asked you to make love sooner."

The woman replies, "And if I had known that you could get such a big one I would have taken my tights off."

Funny joke-Airbag

Q. What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel?

A. An airbag.

Funny jokes-Insurance agent

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:

"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."