Funny jokes-Behaving oddly

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

Animal jokes-So fast

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

Really funny jokes-Water the lawn

Will - Why do you water your lawn with whisky?

Guy - So that it comes up half-cut.

Doctor jokes-Huge heart

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

Funny jokes-Baby powder

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,

"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unnoticed.

The next morning the husband took a pair of his underwear out of his drawer.

"What the heck is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "Maria!," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put baby powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a giggle..."It's not baby powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'!"

Really funny jokes-At the old folks home

An elderly couple were sitting in the old folks home when the bloke turns to the woman next to him and says, "How about a bit of nookie?" The woman agrees and they go along to his room.

After the act is done the guy turns to the woman and says, "If I had known you were still a virgin I would have asked you to make love sooner."

The woman replies, "And if I had known that you could get such a big one I would have taken my tights off."

Funny joke-Airbag

Q. What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel?

A. An airbag.

Funny jokes-Insurance agent

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:

"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."

Doctor jokes-Well constructed miss

During her annual checkup, the well constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly,

"I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness:

"Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

Really funny stuff-A Healthy Valentine

Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You're such a Tomato,
Will you Peas to me belong?

You've been the Apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together,
We'd make a perfect Pear.

Now, something's sure to Turnip,
To prove you can't be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me
Let's let our tulips meet.

Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now,
Bee my Honey, dear;
Or tears will fill Potato's eyes,
While Sweet Corn lends an ear.

I'll Cauliflower shop and say
Your dreams are Parsley mine.
I'll work and share my Celery,
So be my valentine.

Adult jokes-Eat you

The newly wed wife wakes up her husband and says,"Breakfast is ready. You need to eat something before going outdoors to work on the barn."

He says, "All I want to eat is you." And he does.

She throws away his breakfast.

He come in at noontime and she says, "I fixed you a nice lunch to eat, since you didn't have breakfast."

He says, "All I want to eat is you." And he does.

She throws away his lunch.

When he comes in late in the evening he finds his wife is naked and sliding down the bannister, running back up the stairs, and sliding down again. In total bewilderment he ask what she is doing.

She says, "For breakfast you ate me. For lunch you ate me. I'm just warming up your dinner."

Funny jokes-Goes in dry

Q. What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

A. A tea bag.

Yo Mama jokes-High heels

Yo momma is so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.

Really funny jokes-Throw out of window

Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way. On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it. He is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core. He asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window.

After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said he had looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit him in the eye. So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says that he was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head! Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach laughing his head off! The three ask him what's so funny? The man replies, I farted and that building exploded!