Funny jokes-The Switchman

A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad, and undergoes weeks of training. The supervisor then takes him into the switch booth to test his readiness. The following exchange takes place:

Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track. What would you do?"

Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track."

Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"

Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switch lever there, putting one train on the other track."

Supervisor: "And what if that switch lever didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains."

Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone."

Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe."

Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?"

Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."

Hilarious jokes-Disqualified

Have you heard about the Irish tug-of-war team?

They were disqualified for pushing.

One line jokes-Problem with Golf

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

Adult jokes-Alcohol taster

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
"It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blond, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"

Really funny jokes-Trial in Court

Trial in Court

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

SMS jokes-Laughing helps

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Funny jokes-Identify the Italian

How can you identify the Italian at the Cock fight?

He's the one who bets on the duck.

Really funny jokes-The Old hotel

As a history buff, I was looking forward to staying in a hotel in Salisbury, England, that dated back to the 13th century. But when I arrived, the hotel clerk gave me some bad news--my room was in the new section. Disappointed, I asked when the 'new' section had been built.

"In the 1600s," she replied apologetically.

Clean jokes-Even more excuses for skipping out of work

Even more excuses for skipping out of work

1. I have to renew my driver’s license.

2. I have to get new license plates.

3. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver’s license and get new license plates.

4. I’ve got an urgent session with my therapist.

5. I’ve got a really urgent session with my therapist.

6. I’ve … I … I’m not … I don’t … I CAN’T COPE WITH THIS!!

7. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.

8. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.

9. I have to get my big toe calibrated.

10. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.

11. My rheumatism is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible tornado.

12. My arthritis is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible blizzard.

13. The pharaoh is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible rain of frogs.

14. I need to give blood.

15. I need to give evidence.

16. I need to give up.

17. I’m going to my best friend’s engagement party.

18. I’m going to my best friend’s wedding.

19. I’m going to my best friend’s divorce. (We all knew it wouldn’t last. At the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)

20. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.

Funny jokes-Lions

A young missionary on his first trip to Africa is away from camp having devotions in a quiet clearing, as was his custom. This one particular day, while reading his Bible, a lion comes and lays down right beside him; so close that the hot warm smell of his breath is wafting over him.

He is, as you would suppose, exceedingly uneasy. He closes his eyes, praying... but when he opens them he sees another approach from the brush, which proceeds to lie down on the other side of him.

Convinced as he is that this is a test of his faith, he determines to return to his Bible reading. As soon as he does so, the two lions pounce upon and devour him.

Moral of the story: Don't read between the "lions."

Hilarious jokes-Mr. Bean at the Drug Store

Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.

Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?

Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

Really funny jokes-Still more Excuses for skipping out of work

Still more Excuses for skipping out of work

1. I have to take my mother to the doctor.

2. I have to take my minister to the doctor.

3. I have to take my doctor to my minister.

4. I think I left the iron on.

5. I think I left the water on.

6. I think I left the refrigerator on.

7. I’m getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.

8. I’m getting married, and I have to take a blood test.

9. I’m getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.

10. I have to have my waistband let out.

11. I have to have my watchband let out.

12. I have to have my son’s rock band let out.

13. I’m having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.

14. I’m having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.

15. I’m having my hats checked this noon, and I’ll be having a drop or two so I won’t be able to work afterwards.

16. I’m having a root canal.

17. I’m having a tax audit.

18. I’m going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that beating a dead horse?)

19. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution.

20. I need to break into my kid’s piggy bank while he’s not home.

Little Johnny jokes-Play House

"Would you like to play house with us Johnny," asked the bravest of several girls.

"Sure," replied Little Johnny. "Which one of you is going to be the madam?"

Office jokes-More Excuses for skipping out of work

More Excuses for skipping out of work

1. I’m arranging financing for a car.

2. I’m arranging financing for a beef roast.

3. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.

4. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.

5. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it’s being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can’t be used by just anybody. But if it’s close to accurate, it’s extremely effective.

6. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.

7. I’m being sent to the moon by NASA.

8. It’s Dayton’s Warehouse Sale.

9. My back aches.

10. My stomach aches.

11. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than “I have a hangover,” especially if offered in the early afternoon.)

12. My biological clock is ticking.

13. I have to take my biological clock in for service.

14. My furnace won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.

15. My central air conditioning won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.

16. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won’t stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.

17. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.

18. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.

19. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister’s mother.

20. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.