SMS jokes-Laughing helps

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Funny jokes-Identify the Italian

How can you identify the Italian at the Cock fight?

He's the one who bets on the duck.

Really funny jokes-The Old hotel

As a history buff, I was looking forward to staying in a hotel in Salisbury, England, that dated back to the 13th century. But when I arrived, the hotel clerk gave me some bad news--my room was in the new section. Disappointed, I asked when the 'new' section had been built.

"In the 1600s," she replied apologetically.

Clean jokes-Even more excuses for skipping out of work

Even more excuses for skipping out of work

1. I have to renew my driver’s license.

2. I have to get new license plates.

3. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver’s license and get new license plates.

4. I’ve got an urgent session with my therapist.

5. I’ve got a really urgent session with my therapist.

6. I’ve … I … I’m not … I don’t … I CAN’T COPE WITH THIS!!

7. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.

8. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.

9. I have to get my big toe calibrated.

10. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.

11. My rheumatism is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible tornado.

12. My arthritis is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible blizzard.

13. The pharaoh is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible rain of frogs.

14. I need to give blood.

15. I need to give evidence.

16. I need to give up.

17. I’m going to my best friend’s engagement party.

18. I’m going to my best friend’s wedding.

19. I’m going to my best friend’s divorce. (We all knew it wouldn’t last. At the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)

20. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.

Funny jokes-Lions

A young missionary on his first trip to Africa is away from camp having devotions in a quiet clearing, as was his custom. This one particular day, while reading his Bible, a lion comes and lays down right beside him; so close that the hot warm smell of his breath is wafting over him.

He is, as you would suppose, exceedingly uneasy. He closes his eyes, praying... but when he opens them he sees another approach from the brush, which proceeds to lie down on the other side of him.

Convinced as he is that this is a test of his faith, he determines to return to his Bible reading. As soon as he does so, the two lions pounce upon and devour him.

Moral of the story: Don't read between the "lions."

Hilarious jokes-Mr. Bean at the Drug Store

Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.

Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?

Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

Really funny jokes-Still more Excuses for skipping out of work

Still more Excuses for skipping out of work

1. I have to take my mother to the doctor.

2. I have to take my minister to the doctor.

3. I have to take my doctor to my minister.

4. I think I left the iron on.

5. I think I left the water on.

6. I think I left the refrigerator on.

7. I’m getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.

8. I’m getting married, and I have to take a blood test.

9. I’m getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.

10. I have to have my waistband let out.

11. I have to have my watchband let out.

12. I have to have my son’s rock band let out.

13. I’m having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.

14. I’m having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.

15. I’m having my hats checked this noon, and I’ll be having a drop or two so I won’t be able to work afterwards.

16. I’m having a root canal.

17. I’m having a tax audit.

18. I’m going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that beating a dead horse?)

19. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution.

20. I need to break into my kid’s piggy bank while he’s not home.

Little Johnny jokes-Play House

"Would you like to play house with us Johnny," asked the bravest of several girls.

"Sure," replied Little Johnny. "Which one of you is going to be the madam?"

Office jokes-More Excuses for skipping out of work

More Excuses for skipping out of work

1. I’m arranging financing for a car.

2. I’m arranging financing for a beef roast.

3. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.

4. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.

5. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it’s being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can’t be used by just anybody. But if it’s close to accurate, it’s extremely effective.

6. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.

7. I’m being sent to the moon by NASA.

8. It’s Dayton’s Warehouse Sale.

9. My back aches.

10. My stomach aches.

11. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than “I have a hangover,” especially if offered in the early afternoon.)

12. My biological clock is ticking.

13. I have to take my biological clock in for service.

14. My furnace won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.

15. My central air conditioning won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.

16. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won’t stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.

17. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.

18. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.

19. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister’s mother.

20. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.

Funny jokes-Identify the Pole

How can you identify the Pole at a Cock fight?

He's the one who brought the duck.

Office jokes-Excuses for skipping out of work

Excuses for skipping out of work

1. My kids are locked outside.

2. My kids are locked inside.

3. My kids are stuck in the door.

4. I have to pick on my kids.

5. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.

6. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies. She’s much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.

7. The water company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.

8. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.

9. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.

10. My daughter is graduating from high school and I’d like to go to the ceremony.

11. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I’d like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).

12. I have to pick up my car at the shop. If I don’t get there in half an hour it’ll be locked up all weekend.

13. I have to get my car to the shop. If I don’t get it there in half an hour it’ll be locked out all weekend. (Don’t use if boss seems wide awake).

14. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

15. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

16. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

17. My truss snapped.

18. My support hose popped.

19. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.

20. I’m arranging financing for a house.

Really funny jokes-Involved in voodoo

Trial in Court

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Hilarious jokes-Meaning of Fear

Q. Why don't men know the meaning of fear?

A. They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.

Funny jokes-You're Still drinking too much Coffee when:

You're Still Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

*You channel surf faster without a remote.
*You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
*You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
*Your Thermos is on wheels.
*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
*You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
*You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
*You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
*Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter Scale.
*You can't even remember your second cup.
*You help your dog chase its tail.
*You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.