Office jokes-More Excuses for skipping out of work

More Excuses for skipping out of work

1. I’m arranging financing for a car.

2. I’m arranging financing for a beef roast.

3. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.

4. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.

5. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it’s being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can’t be used by just anybody. But if it’s close to accurate, it’s extremely effective.

6. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.

7. I’m being sent to the moon by NASA.

8. It’s Dayton’s Warehouse Sale.

9. My back aches.

10. My stomach aches.

11. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than “I have a hangover,” especially if offered in the early afternoon.)

12. My biological clock is ticking.

13. I have to take my biological clock in for service.

14. My furnace won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.

15. My central air conditioning won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.

16. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won’t stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.

17. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.

18. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.

19. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister’s mother.

20. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.

Funny jokes-Identify the Pole

How can you identify the Pole at a Cock fight?

He's the one who brought the duck.

Office jokes-Excuses for skipping out of work

Excuses for skipping out of work

1. My kids are locked outside.

2. My kids are locked inside.

3. My kids are stuck in the door.

4. I have to pick on my kids.

5. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.

6. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies. She’s much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.

7. The water company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.

8. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.

9. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.

10. My daughter is graduating from high school and I’d like to go to the ceremony.

11. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I’d like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).

12. I have to pick up my car at the shop. If I don’t get there in half an hour it’ll be locked up all weekend.

13. I have to get my car to the shop. If I don’t get it there in half an hour it’ll be locked out all weekend. (Don’t use if boss seems wide awake).

14. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

15. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

16. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

17. My truss snapped.

18. My support hose popped.

19. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.

20. I’m arranging financing for a house.

Really funny jokes-Involved in voodoo

Trial in Court

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Hilarious jokes-Meaning of Fear

Q. Why don't men know the meaning of fear?

A. They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.

Funny jokes-You're Still drinking too much Coffee when:

You're Still Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

*You channel surf faster without a remote.
*You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
*You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
*Your Thermos is on wheels.
*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
*You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
*You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
*You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
*Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter Scale.
*You can't even remember your second cup.
*You help your dog chase its tail.
*You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Yo Mama jokes-Like Shaquille O'Neal

Yo mama's so stank, she's like Shaquille O'Neal, she don't fake the funk!!

One line jokes-Poles

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Funny jokes-Mr. Bean on marriage

Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?

Mr. Bean: 16

Friend: Why?

Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.

Adult jokes-Middle aged couples

Two middle-aged couples go on a camping trip. The men stay in one tent and the women stay in the other.

At about two in the morning one man wakes up and says, "Oh my gosh!"

The other guy wakes up and asks, "What's wrong?"

The man says, "I gotta go find my wife, I just woke up with the biggest erection I've ever had!!!"

"Want me to come with you?" asks the other guy.

"Why would you do that?"

"Because you're holding my dick."

Really funny jokes-Two Yuppettes

Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,

"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."

Animal jokes-Lady and Dog

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rot's butt, and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.

The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!"

Funny jokes-Disorder in Court

Judge to lady

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Doctor jokes-Not my table

A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.

Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!"

"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."