Really funny jokes-Two Yuppettes

Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,

"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."

Animal jokes-Lady and Dog

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rot's butt, and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.

The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!"

Funny jokes-Disorder in Court

Judge to lady

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Doctor jokes-Not my table

A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.

Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!"

"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."

Hilarious jokes-Men you may meet in the Urinal

20 TYPES OF MEN YOU MAY MEET IN THE MEN'S URINAL

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips his shorts.

SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.

CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is hung.

TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.

INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the sink.

CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.

WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection.

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in his pants.

CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man in the next stall will get blamed.

PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both.

FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes.

LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.

Really funny jokes-Glass of Cider

A little girls came running into the house with tears streaming down her face.
"Quick, Mummy!" she screamed. "I need a big glass of cider. Quick!"

"Why do you want a glass of cider, dear?" asked the mother.

"Because," replied the girl, "I cut my hand on a thorn and I want the pain to go away."

Confused, but weary of the child's noise, the mother poured a glass of cider and the girl dunked her hand in it.

"It still hurts," whined the girl. "The cider doesn't work."

"What are you on about? Just tell me!" the mum said, raising her voice.

"Well," replied the girl, "I overheard my big sister saying that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

One line jokes-Tennessee Titans

Ok, so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

Funny jokes-Smell out of the fish

God created Adam and Eve and left them alone to get to know each other. After a week He came back. "How's it going Adam?" He asked.

"Great!" says Adam.

"Eve's just down at the river, cleaning herself up a bit - we've been at it all week."

God looked up at the sky in dismay and exclaimed, "Hell! Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish."

Redneck jokes-Some phrases

Redneck Sayings

1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

2. "It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch."

3. "Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining."

4. "This is gooder’n grits."

Yo Mama jokes-So funky

Yo mama's drawers are so funky, the roaches check in but they don't check out.

Funny jokes-You are really drinking too much Coffee when

You are really drinking too much Coffee when

*You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
*You can jump-start your car without cables.
*All your kids are named "Joe".
*You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
*Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low".
*You don't sweat, you percolate.
*You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
*Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
*People get dizzy just watching you.
*When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup".
*The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
*Starbucks own the mortgage on your house.
*You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
*People can test their batteries in your ears.
*Instant coffee takes too long.

Hilarious jokes-Purifying water

Science exam

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Really funny jokes-Headstone

After his wife died, the uncle of one of my friends decided to plan ahead and order a grave-site marker for himself. A week or so later, he came home to find a message on his answering machine. It was from a young woman at the company where he’d placed his order.

“I don’t know if it’s good news or bad,” she said, “but your headstone is ready.”

Mr. Bean jokes-Five plus four

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9

Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!