Adult jokes-Cold hands

A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place.

He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood.

He came in after another 5 minutes and said honey my hands are cold again. So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.

5 minutes have passed and he went in again and said, honey my hands are cold again. She then said, Damn don't your ears ever get cold?

Hilarious jokes-A little accident

I was on my way home to Klerksdorp when a woman driving an old Peugeot 505 in front of me brushed a young girl driving a very clean Honda Accord. This young girl got out of the car and started insulting the woman, who was old enough to at least be her mother or Aunt.

All efforts by passers-by to pacify her proved abortive as she said the car was bought by her boyfriend... I just watched and sympathized with the woman. She told the girl she'd fix the car but it was already evening, getting late and she had no money on her unless the girl followed her home if her hubby could help. The girl kept screaming as people tried to beg on behalf of the woman.

The girl blatantly refused and decided to call her boyfriend saying: Baby, a stupid woman just hit my car". The car you bought me. The man appeared in no minute ready to please his girlfriend by raining insult on the woman. On getting there, he started shouting, "Where is the stupid woman that hit your car", only to realise the woman was his wife.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Clean jokes-BMW

Ann: I'm told you have BMW.
Liza: Yes, it is true.
Ann: How much did it cost you?
Liza: Ten meals a day.
Ann: Do you mean ten million dollars?
Liza: No. I mean what I say. It is ten meals a day, literally.
Ann: What are talking about?
Liza: About my BMW – Body-Mass Weight!

One line jokes-Road to success

The road to success is marked with many tempting parking places.

Funny jokes-Rotten day

It's Going To Be A Rotten Day When...

*You wake up face down on the pavement.
*You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
*You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.
*Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
*You want to put the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
*You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
*Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
*Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angles onto the freeway.
*Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your hat.
*The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
*You wake up and your braces are locked together.
*You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
*Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
*Your income check bounces.
*You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
*Your pet rock snaps at you.
*Your wife says "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

Practical jokes-Robbing a bank

A true story out of San Francisco...

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Teacher jokes-Puns

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

Good jokes-Exotic and psychotic

What's the difference between exotic and psychotic?

Exotic is wearing a French tickler, psychotic is wearing French toast.

Nasty jokes-Yo Mama

Yo mama's so nasty, she pours salt water in her drawers to keep the crabs alive.
Yo mama's so nasty, she puts ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh.
Yo mama's so nasty, when she did the splits, she stuck to the floor.
Yo mama's so nasty, she has more crabs then Red Lobster.
Yo mama's so nasty, her crabs use her tampon string as a bungee cord.

Really funny jokes-Golfing Priest

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church when we pray we keep our heads down."

Funny jokes-Sorority girl and elephant

What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.

How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.

Clean jokes-Threatening letter

A wholesale dealer who had a lot of trouble in getting a certain retailer to pay his bills finally lost patience and wrote the merchant a threatening letter.

He received the following reply:

"Dear Sir: What do you mean by writing me a letter like that? Every month I place all my bills in a hat and then figure out how much money I have to pay on my accounts. Then I have my bookkeeper draw as many bills out of the hat as I have money to pay. If you don't like my way of doing business, I won't even put your bills in the hat."

Redneck jokes-Maturity

Question: What is the redneck definition of redneck maturity?

Answer: An eight year old girl who can run faster than her brothers.

Funny jokes-My stupid brother

My Stupid Brother

I wouldn't say my brother is stupid, but.......

...He keeps forgetting I'm an only child!


...He's depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

...He puts a bucket under the pipe when there's a gas leak.

...He has an intellect that is rivaled only by Egg plants.

...We have to make introductions around the breakfast table every morning.

...He stayed up all last night studying for his blood test.

...He sure makes my dog look smart!

...He studied all weekend for a urine test.

...He can't convert 0 feet to meters.

...He was supposed to try out for a part in Dumb and Dumber but forgot to turn up.

...He still checks the inside of his hands to see if "it" really will cause hair to grow!!

...He keeps forgetting he's my sister

...When my parents said they'd send him abroad, he asked how old she was

...But he had a battle of wits with a doorknob and lost.

...But he looked hard at the orange juice container because it said concentrate

...He forgotten that he's been dead for the last five years

...He got drunk, walked into the wall four times and said "Hey, I'm bricked in!"

...He stole a free cookie!

...He couldn't count his testicles and come up with the same number twice!

...He thinks a Toadstool is a well endowed frog

...When he got on the bus, he asked for a return. When the driver asked him
"Where to?" He replied "Back here!"

...It takes him an hour and a half to watch "60 Minutes"

...After joining the I.R.A. and being told to blow up a bus, he burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe

...He saw a sign that said "wet floor"... so he did.

...When mum said to take butter out from the fridge, he took the butter outdoors!

...He thinks Sherlock Holmes is a block of flats

...In his first airplane travel was astonished to see he was not becoming smaller in size

...I've seen bread dough with more intelligence.

...When they tested his I.Q., the score began with Minus.

...When they were handing out brains, he couldn't even find the line.

...But if you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change back.

...He thinks a woman with crabs is a seafood delicacy.

...If he had one more IQ he'd be a pot plant.

...He had just learned to count to 21 when he got arrested for indecent exposure.

...Last night, when I turned of the lights he wrote a letter to God, asking him why he didn't pay his electric bill.

...He has to pull down his pants to count to 11

...He couldn't empty water from a boot if the instructions were written on the heel

...But then, I'm a blonde

...But I would give him a dollar for every thought he had, and still have from five dollars.

...He's trying to teach "sit up & beg" to his pet rock?