Clean jokes-Grouchy

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, “It’s okay. That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

Short funny jokes-Own sister

A small boy opens the door and looks at his sister's boy friend and asks innocently,
"Every day you come to meet my sister , don't you have your own sister"

Good jokes-Work in Heaven

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven.

When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area, which was about the size of Massachusetts. There were millions of people living in tents. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd.

Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, a staffer in his late teens approached him. The young man was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow letters.

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator."

Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him.

"No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese, in which case it's first name first."

"Gates, Bill."

Gabriel started searching through the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works.

"What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's St. Peter? Where are the pearly gates?"

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Well do the math! When this St. Peter business started, it was easy. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it by himself."

"But now there are over five billion people on earth. When God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' Ten thousand people die every hour, over a quarter-million a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"

"I guess not."

"You guess right. So he had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions."

Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course. Did you expect to spend eternity sitting on your bum and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!"

Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center no. 23 and meet up with your occupational coordinator. His name is Abraham--and no, he's not that Abraham."

Bill walked to induction center no. 23 and met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.

"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data-processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries. Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center."

"We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multisegment fiber-optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fault tolerant, distributed processing, the works."

Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"

"You bet!"

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workers were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed.

But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged nearly row-by-row, half a million...

Macintoshes... All running Linux software! All open source! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending eternity using products he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.

He exclaimed. "What about Windows??? Excel??? Word???"

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then you'll have to go elsewhere!"

Hilarious jokes-Sheriff and veterinarian

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet," the wife asked?

"Both," the caller replied. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

Practical jokes-Grandparent's answering machine

Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp ...

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money, dial 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

Really funny jokes-Hourly Rate

Sign seen in repair shop (directed at customers):

Hourly rate: $10.50

Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50

Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50

Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00

Short funny jokes-Height of flirting

What is the height of flirting ?
When your love letter starts with . . . .
"TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN"

Four funny wedding shorts

1) The five essential words for a good marriage: 'I apologize' and 'You are right.'

2) A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an equally good job of stopping circulation.

3) If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

4) My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

Adult jokes - Doctor's wife

A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table.

The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either" as he storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends.

He calls his wife and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone.

Again irritated the doctor says "what took you so long to answer the phone"?

She says, "I was in bed". "In bed this late in the day, doing what"?

"I was getting a second opinion" she replied.

Doctor jokes-Three bottles of pills

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

Thanksgiving jokes-You might be a Redneck if

You Might Be A Redneck If:

* You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

* Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

* You've ever re-used a paper plate.

* If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

* If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

* On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Short funny jokes-Lifesaving tool

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped in the car. She keeps it in the trunk.

Lawyer jokes-Satisfactory title

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory TITLE to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, the Lawyer received the following response.

(Actual reply from FHA) :

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property only back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to establish clear the title of the property back to its ORIGIN."

Truly annoyed, the Lawyer responded as follows :

(Actual response):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have the title search extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the properties department, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin as identified in our original application.

For edification of apparently ignorant FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from the Royal Monarchy of Spain .

The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the exclusive privilege of seeking a new route to India by the ruling Spanish Monarch, Her Highness Queen Isabella of Spain.

The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessings of His Eminence, The Pope, before she sold her precious crown jewels to finance Columbus's expedition - thus establishing payment of price for acquisition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you ( or someone in the FHA ) may possibly know, is the official acknowledged emissary of Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of GOD, ... and GOD, as it is commonly accepted, created this World.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made this part of the world called Louisiana. GOD, therefore, would be the ORIGINAL rightful Owner and His origins date back to before the beginning of Time, the World as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original title to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have that *@#+~%* Loan ?"

The loan was immediately approved.

Really funny jokes-Toilet paper

Two Norwegians were talking in the park when a bird splattered one of them on the head. Eyeing the mess, the victim's companion offered to go get some toilet paper.

"Won't do no good," said the messed-up one, "by the time you get back, that bird will be four miles away."