Adult jokes - Doctor's wife

A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table.

The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either" as he storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends.

He calls his wife and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone.

Again irritated the doctor says "what took you so long to answer the phone"?

She says, "I was in bed". "In bed this late in the day, doing what"?

"I was getting a second opinion" she replied.

Doctor jokes-Three bottles of pills

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

Thanksgiving jokes-You might be a Redneck if

You Might Be A Redneck If:

* You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

* Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

* You've ever re-used a paper plate.

* If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

* If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

* On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Short funny jokes-Lifesaving tool

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped in the car. She keeps it in the trunk.

Lawyer jokes-Satisfactory title

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory TITLE to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, the Lawyer received the following response.

(Actual reply from FHA) :

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property only back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to establish clear the title of the property back to its ORIGIN."

Truly annoyed, the Lawyer responded as follows :

(Actual response):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have the title search extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the properties department, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin as identified in our original application.

For edification of apparently ignorant FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from the Royal Monarchy of Spain .

The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the exclusive privilege of seeking a new route to India by the ruling Spanish Monarch, Her Highness Queen Isabella of Spain.

The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessings of His Eminence, The Pope, before she sold her precious crown jewels to finance Columbus's expedition - thus establishing payment of price for acquisition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you ( or someone in the FHA ) may possibly know, is the official acknowledged emissary of Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of GOD, ... and GOD, as it is commonly accepted, created this World.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made this part of the world called Louisiana. GOD, therefore, would be the ORIGINAL rightful Owner and His origins date back to before the beginning of Time, the World as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original title to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have that *@#+~%* Loan ?"

The loan was immediately approved.

Really funny jokes-Toilet paper

Two Norwegians were talking in the park when a bird splattered one of them on the head. Eyeing the mess, the victim's companion offered to go get some toilet paper.

"Won't do no good," said the messed-up one, "by the time you get back, that bird will be four miles away."

Good jokes-Watch for birthday

A wife says to husband, "Today is your son's birthday. We still need to get him a present. What should we get?"

The husband says to his wife, "Well, what does he want?"

The wife replies, "He wants a watch!"

"OK, tell him tonight we'll let him."

Hilarious jokes-GI insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?”

Kids jokes-Cheat

You know that Mary Jane that lives down the road is a cheat", declared Jenni's little boy.

"Why do you say that?", Jenni asked.

The boy reported, "Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine- but it turned out she hasn't got one!

Really funny jokes-Final Wishes

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!"

Clean jokes-Rattlesnakes

Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

Funny jokes-Dealing with customers

Young Mwangi was appointed sales person at a local General Dealer's store in Kampala .

While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had peach jam to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock." At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.

It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Mwangi aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on."

Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Mwangi politely replied, "I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try carbon paper, manila paper or sand paper!

Blonde jokes-Instant lottery

What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?

All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

Really funny jokes-Beef tongue

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

" Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"