Clean jokes-Rattlesnakes

Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

Funny jokes-Dealing with customers

Young Mwangi was appointed sales person at a local General Dealer's store in Kampala .

While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had peach jam to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock." At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.

It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Mwangi aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on."

Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Mwangi politely replied, "I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try carbon paper, manila paper or sand paper!

Blonde jokes-Instant lottery

What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?

All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

Really funny jokes-Beef tongue

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

" Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"

Short funny jokes-Salary

An employer gave his new secretary a dress for her first week's salary.

The next week he raised her salary.

Good jokes-Operated for Appendicitis

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Really funny jokes-Government matchmaker

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my

leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied,
"I understand you need television."

Hilarious jokes-Very hot day

The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake.

He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.

Then one of the ladies said: 'You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

Office jokes-Angry secretary

A cute, good looking secretary came angrily out of the boss's cabin......

A colleague asked : "What happened? "

She replied : "He asked if I am free tonight?'"

I said: "Yes." .....

.... And the bugger gave me 50 pages to type !!!

Really funny jokes-Free Drinks

Early at 3 AM the hotel desk clerk gets a phone call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy again, sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, uncontrolled and blabbering, "What did you shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you in your room."

"No... I don't wanna git in the bar... Ah wanna git OUT of the bar!!!"

Short humor jokes-Green dollars

Q: Why are Yankee dollars green?

A: Because the Jews pick them before they're ripe.

Redneck Sayings

Redneck Sayings

1. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

2. "Have a cup of coffee, it’s already been ‘saucered and blowed.’"

3. "She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm."

4. "It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

5. "My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull."

6. "He’s as country as cornflakes."

Really funny jokes-Live in maid

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.

She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.

"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."

Good jokes-Tractors

What do you call someone who used to like tractors?

An extractor fan.