Short humor jokes-Green dollars

Q: Why are Yankee dollars green?

A: Because the Jews pick them before they're ripe.

Redneck Sayings

Redneck Sayings

1. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

2. "Have a cup of coffee, it’s already been ‘saucered and blowed.’"

3. "She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm."

4. "It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

5. "My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull."

6. "He’s as country as cornflakes."

Really funny jokes-Live in maid

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.

She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.

"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."

Good jokes-Tractors

What do you call someone who used to like tractors?

An extractor fan.

Short funny jokes-Garbage

Q. Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?

A. "t'da dump, t'da dump, t'da dump dump dump."

Hilarious jokes-Not a pleasant way to wake up

One night at about 3 am, my wife was getting up from the toilet to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her. She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders.

After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again! She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.

This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg!

That was, of course, too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.

This is not a pleasant way to wake up. Scrambling into consciousness, now scared half to death myself, I managed to get the light on.

The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to the bathroom.

Funny jokes-Handy Hints

*A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent you from going back to sleep.

*Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

*An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

*Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Really funny jokes-Regular Man

When a fellow piano tuner was ill, I took over his assignment of tuning a piano in a girls' boarding house. While I was at work, several of the girls strolled casually through the room in various states of undress.

The climax came when a young lady, barely covered with a small towel, appeared to pay the bill. As I was writing the receipt, she suddenly gave me a bewildered look, then fled, screaming, "That's not our regular man!"

Their regular man is blind.

Yo Mama jokes-In traffic

* Yo Mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and she started ducking through traffic.

* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got locked out of a convertible car with the top down.

Adult jokes-Had it

An old man walked into a brothel one day and said to the madam, "I would really like a young girl for the night"

"How old are you then sir?" asked the madam.

"I am 98 years old and still going strong, cough, cough!"

"Ninety Eight?!" said the madam, "Don't you realise that you've had it?"

"Oh, really?" replied the old man, "How much do I owe you?"

Really funny jokes-Better Judge

When the famous politician and orator William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925) was a young man, he went to the home of the father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.”

Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul: “So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.” (1 Corinthians 7:38)

Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: “Yes, but Paul had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon ought to be the better judge as to marriage.”

Good jokes-Going out!

I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me.

“Going out?” I called to them hopefully.

“No,” said the man. “Just friends.”

Short funny jokes-Arrested in the coal fields

Q: Did you hear about the hooker who got arrested in the coal fields?

A: She was charged with contributing to the delinquency of a miner.

Clean jokes-Little known Chocolate tidbits..

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done!