Redneck jokes-You might be one if

You Might Be a Redneck If......

* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
* You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
* You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
* You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
* Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

Yo Mama jokes-Hunchbacked

Yo mama's so hunchbacked, she has to wear goggles to wash dishes.

Adult jokes | Name after soda pop

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?" The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime." The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up." The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels." The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"

Good jokes-Use my landmower

My neighbour Bill asked if he could use my lawnmower.

I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Funny jokes-Actual writings on Hospital Charts

Actual writings on Hospital Charts

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.


Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Skin: somewhat pall, but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room·

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

One line jokes - Mother's opinion

Mother's opinion about 2 days old baby : He is like his father, whenever I talk to him, he goes to sleep.

Really funny jokes-Marriage secret

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids...."

Clean jokes-Golf Meditations

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Short funny jokes-Wnd beneath my wings

Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?

A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Hilarious jokes-Sharing the bed

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.

That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

Really funny jokes-Rude readhead

The rude redhead was on a blind date set up by a friend. She was disgusted by him - he had bad teeth, and was fairly dirty.

"Wow," he said, "when I was told that you were fiery, I didn't realize they meant you were a redhead."

"Wow," she replied tartly, "I didn't realize that when they said you were under six feet, they meant that's where they dug you up from."

Nursery rhymes children might have missed

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
Then died of electric shock.


GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

Doctor jokes-Epidural

My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth. Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.

Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot!"

Really good stuff-About Women.Part 2

* Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

* Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

* Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

* Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

* Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.

* Women think all beer is the same.

* Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

* Women don't understand the appeal of sports.

* Women brush their hair before bed.

* Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

* Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

* Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?