Adult jokes | Woodpecker

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'I'm-peckable' (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'I'm-peckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Funny blonde jokes-Pronunciation

A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

Adult jokes | Brothel Arrest

A young woman was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, didn’t want her grandmother to know. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young woman. The police had the all the prostitutes line up in a straight line on the sidewalk, just as grandma was passing by. As soon as she noticed her granddaughter, she stopped and asked her what she was lining up for. Not wanting her grandmother to know the truth, the granddaughter told grandma that someone was passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some. “That sounds good. I think I’ll have some too,” Grandma said, as she made her way to the back of the line. A policeman went down the line, questioning all the prostitutes, until he reached grandma. Looking very bewildered, he said to her, “You’re so old, how do you do it?”“It’s easy,” replied Grandma. “I just remove my dentures and suck them dry!”

Really funny jokes-Seenus

Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died.

The first man said "I died of cancer."

The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis" .

The third man said "I died of seenus".

The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus."

The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"

Good jokes-Cheap perfume

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.

“That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. “That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. “What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”

The clerk handed him a mirror.

Short funny jokes-California raisins

Q. Did you hear the sad news that all of the California raisins are dead?

A. All the police know so far is that it is a cereal killer...

Hilarious jokes-Father O'Malley

Father O'Malley was driving down to Boston when got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said, 'Father, have you been drinking?'

'Only water', replied Father O'Malley.

The policeman asked, 'Then how come I can smell wine?'

The priest looked at the bottle and said, 'Good Lord! He's done it again.'

Adult jokes | Castrated

"Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement?
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Arthur.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor.
"It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, O.K.," says the doctor. "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Arthur, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised. "
Arthur stared at him in horror. "Damn! THAT'S the word!!!"

Funny jokes-Good traits

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

Clean jokes-Family Feet Business

I heard once of story of a family firm who cornered the feet market. One brother sold shoes, each shoe had a hidden fatal flaw. As a direct result the victim's feet needed treatment with the second brother, who was the only Chiropodist in town.

Legend had it that the chiropodist was so incompetent that the only way the victim could get home was in a taxi. You're ahead of me now, the third brother had the only taxi firm for miles around.

Adult jokes | $600 rebate!

Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2010) with the following: ''The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part.''

Kids jokes-Wrong feet

Greg, the three year old, put his shoes on by himself. His father, Barry, noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot and vice-versa. He sat Greg down on a chair and said quietly, 'Greg, your shoes are on the wrong feet.'

He looked up at his father with a quizzical expression and replied, 'Don't mess me about, Dad, I know they're my feet.'

Good jokes-You Know You're Getting Older (Part 4)

- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
- Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.
- You start video taping daytime game shows.
- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

Office jokes-Unintentional yet funny

Unintentional yet funny gaffs from real job application forms

1. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

2. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

3. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."

4. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

5. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

6. "Marital status: often. Children: various."

7. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."

8. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

9. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."

10. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."