Really funny stuff-A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword

A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword

* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

* A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

* Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

* Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

* Banning the bra was a big flop.

* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

* Alarms: What an octopus is.

* Dockyard: A physician's garden.

* Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

* Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

* Oboe: An English tramp.

* Pasteurize: Too far to see.

* Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.

* Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.

Really funny jokes-When it's okay to fart in public

When It's Okay To Fart In Public

~^~ In your boss' office as you are turning to leave. Tip- Make sure it's a silent one.

~^~ In a bathroom.

~^~ In a cashier's line - it might help to speed up things.

~^~ In an empty elevator before you get off.

~^~ Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become unoccupied.

~^~ In someone else's unoccupied cubicle at work.

~^~ While parachuting.

~^~ While scuba diving.

~^~ In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested.

~^~ During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated.

~^~ In your car if you've been carjacked.

~^~ In the changing room when you're sure someone else is waiting his/her turn.

~^~ In your car once you've been pulled over… the cop may let you go quicker.

~^~ During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.

~^~ While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know whom to

Adult jokes | Private part

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity. "And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife."I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

Short funny jokes-How many professors

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Funny jokes-Identifying bacteria

A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope.

But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.

"Those are sperm cells", replied the Professor.

Good jokes-Driving permit

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.
They again went to the father’s study where his father said, "Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair…."
To which his father replied… "Yes, you’re right…
and they also WALKED every where they went!"

Halloween jokes-Why Pumpkins are better than Men!

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

Adult jokes | Husband & wife talking in bed

Husband: I won't be able to sleep after wards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

Really funny jokes-Camouflage

Gordon, an occasional hunter, visits a gentleman's outfitters and asks,
'Do you sell camouflage jackets?'

'Yes, indeed,' replies the salesman, unfortunately we can't find them.'

Clean jokes-Study Jesus

Richard, my friend's little grandson came home from Sunday School and I asked him what they had studied.

His reply was, 'Nothing.'

So I asked him, 'Didn't you study Jesus?'

Richard's reply was, 'No, he wasn't even there.'

Short funny jokes-Snowman in haunted house

What do you get when you put a snowman in a haunted house?

Ice screams!

Hilarious jokes-Picture in the refrigerator

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

Short adult jokes | Struggling with English

The young Swedish pair had been working for the Schmitt's for more than a year. While hardworking and efficient, she still struggled with English. One day, she told Mrs. Schmitt that she had received good news from her boyfriend Sven. "He is coming to visit me from army next week!" "That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How long is his furlough?" "Oh," the young woman said, blushing, "About as long as Mr. Schmitt's. Just a little thicker."

Really funny jokes-More important

Martin arrived at Sunday school late. Miss Walter, his teacher, knew that Martin was usually very punctual so she asked him if anything was wrong.

Martin replied no, that he had been going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.

Miss Walter was very impressed and asked the lad if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?

Martin replied, 'Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.'