Short funny jokes-Positive

Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Really funny jokes-Two mexicans on a bike

Two Mexicans are on a bike along U.S. Hwy 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA The bike's tires go flat, and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying eggs.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town, and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back, and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time, he is really late and so puts the hammer down. Sure enough, 'Old Smokey' pulls him over for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly replies, "Mexican eggs."

The Cop obviously doesn't believe this; so he wants to take a look in the trailer. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible, plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a tractor-trailer
stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've managed to steal a bike already.
I need help!"

Clean jokes funny-Warm beer

A crop-duster was asked by a friend how his day had gone.

"It was the worst day of my life," replied the man. "This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing of the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out. On my way home, I stopped off at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, 'Don't you have any cold beers?'"

The bartender said, "Sorry, but we've been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road."

"What could I say to that?"

Short funny jokes-Average age

Q. What was the average age of a cave man?
A. Stone Age!

Hillbilly jokes-Possum

How many hillbillies does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

Really funny jokes-Fresh auditor

A bright, young, fresh-out-of- school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders; like the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and the taxes were pretty straight forward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the
Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on in his obnoxious way.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? "
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."
"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi,"the I.R.S....and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

Light bulb jokes-New age gurus

Q: How many New Age gurus does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - Change must come from within.

Kids jokes-Left handed

Little Johnny was spending the weekend with his grand-mother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.
His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning.
It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked..." doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Johnny said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Johnny, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

Clean jokes-Ticket collector

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off; the woman falls from the bus and is killed.
At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder, and seeing as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well," says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes," answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch, sending hundreds of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive.
The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks.
"I suppose so," says the executioner, "That's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Yet again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed.
The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time, so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.
"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana.
The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair, blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears, the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
The bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.
The executioner rigs up all the world's electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Well," says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included.
The executioner pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up," says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?" He strokes his chin. "Its something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asks.
"Nah," says the bloke, "I'm just a bad conductor."

Really funny jokes-Other line

My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.

Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.

Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

Office jokes-Notorious

Fellow employees at the international company where I work know I'm a notary public and they have me certify personal documents.

One day, two Swedish men asked me to witness signatures on an automobile title. "I'm selling my car to this man," one of them explained. "We came here, because we heard you were notorious."

Really funny jokes-Letter from camp

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dove into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it probably was just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything.


Love, Jimmie

Hilarious jokes-Here's "The Rest of the Story"

Here's "The Rest of the Story"

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago , Roosevelt said "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."
Now Obama is going to steal your shovel kick your asses, raise the price of camels, and mortgage the Promised Land.

Ultimate jokes-Compilation of Mexican words

Compilation of Mexican words

'Heater' - My little sister started to choke, perro my mom told me to heater in the back.

'Juicy' - Hey Vato, I will roll a joint and ju tell me if juicy the cops!

'Sodas' - My vieja looks good and sodas her sister.

'Cheese' - Maria likes me pero cheese too fat.

'Chile ' - When my wife and I were dating, she was fine, but since we got married chile herself go.

'Juarez ' - My vieja slapped me and I said, juarez your *uckin problem! Bish!

'Chicken' - My wife wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go herself.

'Harrassment' - Orale vato my old lady caught me n bed wit my sancha pero harrasment nothing to me!!!

'Water' - My vieja gets mad and I dont even know water problem is.

'Brief' - My homie farted gacho bad, and I could not brief.

'Mushroom' - Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, there is not mushroom.

'Frito' - After arguing with the pinche policia he told me i wuz frito go.

'Wafer' - I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, pero los mensos didn't wafer me.

'July' - You told me you were going to the store and July to me! Julyer!

'Liver and Cheese' - Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca, I told him 'orale loco liver alone, cheese mines.'