Light bulb jokes-New age gurus

Q: How many New Age gurus does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - Change must come from within.

Kids jokes-Left handed

Little Johnny was spending the weekend with his grand-mother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.
His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning.
It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked..." doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Johnny said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Johnny, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

Clean jokes-Ticket collector

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off; the woman falls from the bus and is killed.
At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder, and seeing as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well," says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes," answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch, sending hundreds of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive.
The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks.
"I suppose so," says the executioner, "That's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Yet again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed.
The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time, so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.
"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana.
The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair, blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears, the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
The bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.
The executioner rigs up all the world's electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Well," says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included.
The executioner pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up," says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?" He strokes his chin. "Its something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asks.
"Nah," says the bloke, "I'm just a bad conductor."

Really funny jokes-Other line

My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.

Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.

Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

Office jokes-Notorious

Fellow employees at the international company where I work know I'm a notary public and they have me certify personal documents.

One day, two Swedish men asked me to witness signatures on an automobile title. "I'm selling my car to this man," one of them explained. "We came here, because we heard you were notorious."

Really funny jokes-Letter from camp

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dove into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it probably was just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything.


Love, Jimmie

Hilarious jokes-Here's "The Rest of the Story"

Here's "The Rest of the Story"

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago , Roosevelt said "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."
Now Obama is going to steal your shovel kick your asses, raise the price of camels, and mortgage the Promised Land.

Ultimate jokes-Compilation of Mexican words

Compilation of Mexican words

'Heater' - My little sister started to choke, perro my mom told me to heater in the back.

'Juicy' - Hey Vato, I will roll a joint and ju tell me if juicy the cops!

'Sodas' - My vieja looks good and sodas her sister.

'Cheese' - Maria likes me pero cheese too fat.

'Chile ' - When my wife and I were dating, she was fine, but since we got married chile herself go.

'Juarez ' - My vieja slapped me and I said, juarez your *uckin problem! Bish!

'Chicken' - My wife wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go herself.

'Harrassment' - Orale vato my old lady caught me n bed wit my sancha pero harrasment nothing to me!!!

'Water' - My vieja gets mad and I dont even know water problem is.

'Brief' - My homie farted gacho bad, and I could not brief.

'Mushroom' - Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, there is not mushroom.

'Frito' - After arguing with the pinche policia he told me i wuz frito go.

'Wafer' - I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, pero los mensos didn't wafer me.

'July' - You told me you were going to the store and July to me! Julyer!

'Liver and Cheese' - Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca, I told him 'orale loco liver alone, cheese mines.'

Short funny jokes-Harley and Hoover

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Really funny jokes-Courteous old lady

A little old lady owned a home beside the fifth fairway, and stray golf balls were always landing in her back yard.
Instead of getting angry, she removed the fence along the boundary, invited the golfers onto her property, showed them where their ball was located, and encouraged them to take their next shot from that spot.
Even when they missed and dug deep divots in her lawn, she would tell them to go ahead and take another swing.
A visitor, after witnessing her overly courteous behavior, couldn't help but comment. "How come you let them tear up your yard like that?" the visitor asked, "and not only that, you encourage them."
"I'm not as courteous as you think," the old lady replied. "I'm planning on turning my yard into a garden, and I figure within another month they'll have it plowed for me."

Redneck jokes-On a patch

"Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What?," asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"

Short funny jokes-Gasping for breath

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Sardar jokes--Swallowed a key

Santa: I have swallowed a Key.
Doctor: When?
Santa: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.

Really funny jokes-Office dog

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying waste-baskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible! " exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it. Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he make me answer the phone too!"