Redneck jokes

You might be a redneck if...
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper ...

Funny jokes-Apple pie and coffee

A man had trouble with his English, so his friend taught him how to say, "Apple pie and coffee," so when on the job, he could order some food at the local restaurant during his lunch hour.
This was fine with our man, and he was grateful to his friend, but after several months he wanted a little more variety in his fare. His friend was glad to oblige and taught him how to say,
"Ham and cheese sandwich."
The man proudly walked into the restaurant the next day and said to the waitress, "Ham and cheese sandwich."
To which the waitress responded, "White, whole wheat, or rye?"
With shoulders sagging and the smile gone from his face, he answered back, "Apple pie and coffee."

Short funny jokes-New fifty cent coin

A spokesperson for the U. S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots.
On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.
Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call,
'Ted's or Hale's'."

Really funny jokes-Husbands

Several women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to hell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."
Another one said, "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it."
So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?"
She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to hell!"
They were shocked and asked why.
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you?"

Hilarious short jokes-Form filling

An actress was filling up a form.
There was a column in the form where one was required to state martial status.
Married/ Unmarried.
And she wrote: Occasionally Married.

Really funny jokes-Annual physical

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

Funny jokes-Correctional facility

Jimmy was sent to prison for his crimes, but upon arrival at the correctional facility, he told the warden he wasn't at all worried about his future. He knew he wouldn't have to serve the full term of his penalty.
"Why's that, Jimmy?" the warden asked "Sure of your appeal, are you?"
"No, sir." Jimmy replied.
"Already making plans to escape, then?"
"Not a one, Warden."
"Then why are you so sure you'll be out of here before your time is up?"
"Well, Warden," says Jimmy, "it's like this. In the entire time I've been married; my wife has yet to let me finish a sentence!"

Short funny jokes-Australian zoo

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and a English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe.."

Blonde jokes-Green golf balls

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

Funny jokes-Wolf Man

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

Really funny jokes-Retired judge

A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at his local library branch.
A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office.
She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers. And you carry that with you to your new job, which is very commendable. But when someone owes an overdue fine, you can't just - "
"I had to throw the book at him," said the judge.
"I know," said the librarian, "but the Entire Encyclopedia Britannica?"

Clean jokes funny-Playing Golf

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money"
The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls"
The Aussie mused, "Why can't they play at night?"

Really funny jokes-Top ten things you don't want to hear in a Departmental store

10. "You want to use the fitting room or try this on at my place?"

9. "Check it out -- this one's good for hiding body parts"

8. "You know how we can offer such low prices? We're connected to the mafia"

7. "Try our new scent -- it makes you smell just like Regis"

6. "Last night after work I got lucky on this couch"

5. "Can I take a picture of your feet for my web site?"

4. "I live in a dark, greasy space under the escalator"

3. "For today only, you can pay for your purchases with hugs"

2. "Have you seen a chimp in boys' overalls?"

1. "If you're interested, I sell the same junk out of my van, half-price"

Doctor jokes-Knock

The doctor knocked at the hospital door before entering ManMohan's room.
ManMohan called out to come in.
The doctor then proceeded to tell ManMohan to remove all of his clothing after which he gave him a thorough, from top to bottom, front to back, leaving no part of his body untouched.
When he had finished, ManMohan looked the doctor straight in the eye and asked, "Doctor, can I ask you a question?"
"Of course," he replied.
ManMohan asks, "Why did you even bother to knock?"